We were taught for a long time how to be obedient and well-mannered. But never — how to express emotions.
And now, most people suffer from this inability, from attempts to suppress their emotions and not show them, or from an inability to control them. In other words, they suffer from emotional immaturity.
The task of the present time is to emotionally mature, in order to be physiologically and psychologically healthy, to achieve harmony in one’s life and become happy.
Read in the article what emotional immaturity is, what impact it has on life and health, why you need to get to know your emotions, and how to manage them.
How emotional immaturity manifests in everyday communication
Emotional immaturity is the inability to act based on expediency, temporarily setting aside judgment.
We were taught to be smart, well-mannered; a cult of education and intelligence was instilled in us, along with how to look good in the eyes of others. But how to manage your emotions, how to learn to understand, accept, and express them — no.
A person constantly emotes, but shows some emotions while being ashamed of others. They reject certain emotions, considering them “bad” and their expression indecent.
Others, on the contrary, they try to recreate in order to please those around them.
It happens that you are provoked time and again, and out of a desire to be good, you hold back your reaction.
Due to emotional immaturity, you cannot express it, not understanding that sometimes it is necessary to preserve yourself and your personal boundaries (or it will destroy your health and comfort).
Or perhaps it is needed by another person so that they finally hear what they need to and reflect.
By denying your emotional reaction to a person, you deprive both them and yourself of acceptance and unconditional love.
See also Personal Boundaries — How Not to Lose Yourself
We offer a simple algorithm for defining and protecting your personal boundaries.
Beautiful expression of emotions does not exclude “bad” emotions.
Another person can behave however they want, but only you know what is acceptable to you and what is not.
And if their actions specifically concern you, then you have the right to stand up for yourself. And with all the beauty of emotion you are capable of, give them what you wish.
In such moments, the courage to express your authenticity is trained. You feel that this person is, as it were, deliberately drawing you into this reaction.
And after releasing the emotions, all that remains for you is to express immense gratitude to them for giving you the opportunity to show your true self, and therefore the opportunity to accept more of your facets.
This does not at all mean that you need to lash out at everyone indiscriminately — there are specific practices for that. (I will talk about them below.)
If you understand that this is your internal dissatisfaction, aggression, and imbalance, and the person is an innocent trigger (for example, our children), then your task here is to be able to change the habitual pattern of reaction and develop a new style of behavior, to be able to shift the focus of attention to your feelings.
It is normal to sort out relationships (even if it is stormy); it is much worse to accumulate grievances inside and wait for everything to change (life, circumstances, people) without changing yourself.
The longer you held back in a relationship with another person, trying to “save face” while internally seething, the more intensely these emotions will burst out during the first sincere contacts.
Gradually, such explosive moments and work on yourself will clear the field of your relationships, and you will be able to calmly express your thoughts when misunderstandings arise.
Read why some people annoy you for no reason.
How emotional immaturity affects your health
The entire science of psychosomatics is based on understanding the influence of emotions on human health.
The fear of looking bad in the eyes of others leads to a rejection of emotions and self-denial. We feel one thing – we show another.
This affects health through the appearance of headaches, heaviness and pain in the back of the head.
Gradually, suppressed emotions settle in different parts of the body (depending on the area where you did not express them), blocking the free flow of energy and destroying the body.
Our skin is a mirror of our attitude towards the world.
If we lie to others and, above all, to ourselves, the skin reflects this with dryness and flaking. If we are ashamed to express ourselves the way we truly would like, pigment spots and freckles appear on the skin.
See also Causes of diseases. The bodily mind speaks
Read about what the body signals when we get sick.
Suppressed emotions manifest as scabs on the skin. In all cases when you suppressed a reaction, the energy of that charge settled in the body.
And if the body is covered with scabs or rashes, it is actively trying to cleanse itself of suppressed emotions and dishonest attitudes towards oneself and the world.
If your body is clean, this may mean that you express yourself sincerely and honestly, without shame or deception. It may also mean that the cleansing process has not yet begun, and the body is accumulating internally until the limit of tolerance is reached.
The body can also be clean if you are not ashamed of the vigorous expression of your emotions and consider it normal.
But at the same time, there are problems in communication that tell you that by expressing emotions too violently, you harm harmonious social contact and pleasant communication.
That is, you deprive yourself and your loved ones of a harmonious environment, destroying your life. After all, who would want to be a constant receiver of someone else’s negativity.
Therefore, balance is important everywhere!
Stages of Emotional Maturation
This is similar to how a person grows. But not everyone achieves emotional maturity along with physical maturity.
To become emotionally mature, you need to go through these stages to get to know and understand yourself, and then learn to manage it.
When you move towards yourself, you first need to cleanse yourself of negative and suppressed feelings and emotions. This is the path of growing up.
First Stage. Allowing Yourself to Enter the Process of Growing Up
This is like the decision to be born.
At this stage, acknowledge and accept that you are emotionally immature, and make the choice to grow up, to know yourself.
Initially, you may not realize it, but you are already striving for it. Moreover, such a decision may come to you without understanding how emotionally immature you are.
You will simply want something different in life, or circumstances will develop in a way that pushes you toward a “new birth.”
You may be dissatisfied with your own reactions to events, the behavior of children, people, and you will want something qualitatively new.
Go through the meditation “Liberation from Pain.” Its goal is to help your body remove tightness and blocks to release negative emotions.
Second Stage. Recognizing Your Reactions
When you have been forced your entire life to hide negative reactions, raised to be a decent person, taught to suppress with all your might anything that might seem improper to someone, you grow up to be a person completely disconnected from your true self and unaware of your real emotions.
You do not know what you are capable of in anger or in joy. Like a small child who accidentally waves a hand near their own eyes and does not understand that it is their hand.
A child is only beginning to discover themselves, that these are their hands, their feet, and they move this way.
Understand and track within yourself whether you are hiding your emotions or, on the contrary, expressing them too violently.
At this stage, recognize your emotions, and to do this, react and show that reaction. Do not hide or suppress it, but display it.
At times, this may seem improper, shocking people who know you as a “balanced person.” And it will surprise even you that you are capable of this.
If you did not manage to do this in an eco-friendly way, then thank the situation, forgive yourself, apologize to your interlocutor (mentally, if you lack the courage to do it in person), and let the situation go.
After all, it returned a piece of yourself to you!
See also: How to turn on mindfulness in a stressful situation. A 3-step algorithm to help restore balance.
Third stage. Training emotion management skills
When you have learned how you can react, which situation triggers which emotions, the time comes for mastering the skills of managing your reactions.
Understanding comes of what caused this reaction, acceptance of the situation, and the ability to choose: whether to express it or not. Understanding comes of how it can be useful to you and those around you.
This is a mutual process – you will never react to a person who has no aggression in them, but if they do have it, then your aggression points it out to them.
Alternatively, understanding that this is your reaction to your own dissatisfaction with yourself, you may be able to restrain yourself and express your opinion in the gentlest form.
And then you will find a way to release this reaction from within yourself, based on what is expedient for the health of your body and relationships, maintaining balance, satisfying your need, and not offending the other person.
You will already be able to choose when to react and when it is worth working through it alone with yourself. Without judging yourself as «good» or «bad,» but accepting the fact that this exists within you and needs an outlet.
In this way, you preserve both your physical and psychological health.
Recommendations for Managing Emotions
To learn how to manage your emotions, determine which type of person you belong to:
- An emotional person – one who is not used to holding back.
Such people need to learn to release emotions not onto others, but through techniques (an angry letter – venting onto paper through writing; physical exertion – burning off the emotion through the body: running, squats, house cleaning, breathing exercises, and other intense activities).
- An unemotional person – one who is used to ignoring their emotions and suppressing them.
It is necessary to learn to feel and experience emotions without suppressing them. Allow them to manifest.
This is a step toward getting to know yourself, becoming acquainted with yourself, and acceptance. And then you can apply the methods described in the point above.
When you refuse to feel your emotions, considering them bad or, conversely, feeling ashamed that they are too intense, and you think that you will not be understood, you are rejecting yourself, not accepting yourself as a whole.
Here, understanding that the emergence of an emotion is a reflex of our body, it is the nature of our cells, a habit of reacting to a stimulus, will help you.
This is the level of animal instincts and impulses. And that is normal.
And your task, as a conscious being, is to learn to manage your reactions.
And to act not based on spontaneous reactions, but relying on your feelings and intuition, which are deeper and more fundamental, and therefore will provide more stability.
Try to turn to your feelings during an emotional outburst.
Feel how you love your daughter, son, husband, parents and do not want to cause them pain. Remember the warmth and tenderness you feel for them in blissful moments.
And now, this is just a temporary outburst due to some reasons.
If you understand that it is necessary to take disciplinary measures, then in a feeling-aware state it will be much more effective.
See also How to solve the problem of increased sensitivity
This is how the process of growing up, transformation, and restoration of vital energy occurs.
The difference between emotions and feelings — opinion of Alena Starovoitova
Watch this short video in which Alena Starovoitova explains what distinguishes feelings from emotions and why it is important to choose feelings.
When you choose to be honest with yourself, when you give your emotions the freedom to manifest, accept and forgive yourself, you release stagnant energy and give it new life in a new quality.
And what do you choose — to react while remaining in a victim state, or to feel while being the Creator of your life?