If your relationship with your parents feels like a minefield — why and what to do

It’s not our parents who “terrorize” us—it’s us who allow them to terrorize us.
(c) Alena Starovoitova

Criticism, raised voices, constant remarks…

Why can you easily stand up to a rude stranger on the streetcar, but tolerate the same from your parents?

What makes you accept this treatment from your family as normal, and how to change the situation—read in the article and watch in Alena Starovoitova’s video.

Relationships with parents are one of the most painful topics for our readers.

If a conversation with your mom can throw you off balance and undo a week of meditation, this material is for you.

Check if you’re familiar with this kind of “terrorizing behavior” from your family:

• your parents criticize you and lecture you, even though you have your own children;
• they don’t support you, are skeptical about your practices, hobbies, and interests;
• they share your personal information, tell your secrets, complain and gossip about you with other relatives and acquaintances;
• they yell at you, insult you, humiliate your dignity;
• they demand solutions to their problems at the expense of your time and money;
• they violate the boundaries of your space and property—take your things, enter your home or room without asking;
• at the slightest pushback from you, they start manipulating family feelings, guilt-tripping you, etc.

Tell us, what terrorizing behavior from your family are you familiar with?

Do you exhibit any of this behavior toward your own children?

Why you tolerate “terrorizing” relationships with your parents

There are several serious reasons why such situations exist in your life. And they all concern not your parents, but you personally.

Remember: parents behave and will continue to behave the way they want and know how.

The real question is, why do you allow yourself to be treated this way?

Let’s look into this.

1. You are financially or housing-dependent on your parents

If you’re over 21 and still living with your parents or at their expense—it’s no surprise you have conflicts.

Tension and anger are natural signs of your need for separation and independence (even if you don’t realize it).

Metaphorically speaking, the worse your parents treat you, the better it is for you.

Maybe they’ll push you to the point where you finally take responsibility for your own life?

2. You uphold “social traditions”

In our society, there are unspoken rules—”Elders are always right, you must obey them” and “Children have an unpayable debt to their parents.”

This comes from ancient times and is reinforced by books, movies, religion, and social norms.

These beliefs are no longer relevant today, but for many, they are still programmed in the subconscious.

Here’s a mini-test. Your mom criticizes you in front of other relatives. Even though you’re a little offended, you think it’s generally normal. That means you definitely have an “elders are always right” mindset.

And if you operate from a paradigm of “unpayable debt,” you’ll constantly face financial problems and live with guilt.

See also: 5 reasons why you’ve lost your wholeness

We try to squeeze ourselves into the mold of other people’s stereotypes and socially imposed “rules.” External scripts of perfection are an endless trap.

3. Childhood mindsets are running the show

You can sort out social traditions, but it’s much harder to deal with the experiences of your childhood.

Back then, parents were seen as an unquestionable authority. Maybe your subconscious still sees them that way?

The hardest case is when you have the formula “parents always mean well” programmed inside you.

When you were a kid and they pulled you away from an electrical outlet, that might have been true.

But now this mindset has turned into you

• doubting your own decisions,
• putting up with criticism and even insults,
• being ready to give up your own truth for the sake of your parents’ opinion

– because they “mean well”…

4. You’re afraid of losing love and your relationship with your parents

At some point in childhood, you formed a logical chain: “If I upset mom/dad, they won’t love me or will abandon me.”

Unfortunately, your parents themselves may have said this (and still say it) to control your behavior and get what they want.

Working with this mindset is tough, but possible.

Remember this important rule: if there is love in your family, small conflicts and hurts can’t destroy it.

If there’s practically no love (that happens too, sadly) – no amount of your “perfect behavior” will make it appear.

5. You yourself judge and don’t accept your parents

Remember that people’s attitude toward you often reflects your attitude toward them.

Be honest with yourself:

• Do you judge your parents?
• Do you find their lifestyle and values silly or wrong?
• Maybe you still can’t forgive them for the past?
• Do you see yourself, as a “spiritual person,” as more knowledgeable and right than your “unawakened“ parents?

Even if you don’t express any of this openly, but only think it deep down – it still works.

And it’s no surprise that time and again you receive from your parents mirror-like behavior.

See also: A question that will turn your perception of yourself upside down

Everything that delights and irritates you in others exists within you

So what should you do?

How to preserve both yourself and your relationship with your parents

How to preserve both yourself and your relationship with your parents — watch in the video by Alena Starovoitova.

Participants of the live stream called it MEGA-relevant!