Whoever once finds themselves can lose nothing in this world. And whoever once understands the human within themselves understands all people.
Stefan Zweig
One of the most difficult problems people face on the path of transformation is misunderstanding from loved ones.
During spiritual practices and personal growth, you change radically, re-evaluating your values, goals, and ways of reacting in different situations. Your intellect and level of maturity grow.
And at some point, you encounter a serious problem that one of our readers described perfectly:
“I have this feeling that I’m speaking different languages with the people around me and my loved ones.
It’s constant misunderstanding, and in the end, I realized that I’m trying to tell them not my truth, not what I think and feel in my own language, but I’m adapting to them, to their worldview.
I often get overwhelmed by a state of losing my inner source.”
Alas. Misunderstanding from loved ones is familiar to so many of us. There are three typical behavioral scenarios here:
- Adapting. Wanting to preserve relationships with family and friends, you try to please them by keeping things that are important to you quiet.
Sometimes you downplay your level of knowledge and skills, sometimes you hide your honest opinion “so as not to offend anyone.”
Let me clarify: adapting is the appearance of understanding, but not understanding itself. Some people have to hold themselves back, and therefore feel compromised.
Read about how flexibility differs from adapting in the article Why It’s Important to Be Flexible and How to Learn It.
- Proving and rescuing. You know that you have finally found something truly valuable – practices and information that improve life.
And you really want to share these bright ideas with your loved ones. So why do they react irritably, sometimes even aggressively, or call you strange?
See also Forcing Goodness or The Danger of the Rescuer Role
- Enduring attacks. Sometimes you don’t push your truth on anyone, you just live by your own understanding of happiness. And you simply want to be left alone and have what’s dear to you left untouched.
But loved ones actively intrude into your space, trying to teach you “the right way” or judging your lifestyle.
When you try to explain that these are your values, it feels like playing an endless game of broken telephone.
This brings particular pain, because it’s from family and friends that we expect support and understanding – and often don’t receive it…
Which scenario in relationships with loved ones is especially familiar to you?
No matter what, going through something like this is difficult.
Resentments arise, mutual accusations, a desire to shut yourself off from everyone. And also, often – a crushing feeling that you’re doing something wrong, that you must be a bad friend (daughter, son, wife…)
This leads not only to a deterioration in relationships with family and friends, but, worse, to a feeling of inner oppression and loss of self.
In this article, we’ll explore what to do about this problem. How to restore your inner balance and achieve understanding with your loved ones?
1. Ground yourself and return to your body
This is the very first and most important thing!
The more precious a person is to you with whom a misunderstanding has arisen, the more strongly you experience it. During this time, all your energy is stirred up and scattered, you lose your footing, simply put, you are “not yourself.”
It’s impossible to establish any kind of contact with another person from this state.
As soon as something happens in your environment that emotionally rattles you – immediately perform grounding.
Stand firmly on the floor, take an exhale into the center of the Earth, breathe deeply, feeling your body and the support beneath your feet.
Move your body physically, drink some tea, engage in simple manual work.
This will help you return to yourself and not be destroyed by the force of your emotions.
The best grounding techniques here: 10 Ways to Ground Yourself
2. Establish your boundaries
There are people who can’t say no to their mom about anything. Or, for example, they allow friends to come over at 3 a.m. without an invitation.
Loved ones easily violate our personal physical or emotional space. “It’s okay for them, they’re family (or best friends).”
In reality, this isn’t true. Quite the opposite. Mature behavior is when a loved one values you and your boundaries, negotiating the limits of what’s acceptable.
Therefore, your task is to set your boundaries.
You yourself must know who, when, and for how long can come into your home (except in extreme cases – by the way, define what counts as an extreme case).
What topics you can discuss and for how long. What behavior towards you is unacceptable, regardless of the person’s degree of relation.
Which of your inner values no one is allowed to touch. What information is personal to you. To whom and in what cases you give money – in a way that doesn’t harm yourself.
If you clearly know your boundaries and respect them yourself, those around you will pick up on this and observe them almost automatically.
If you have no boundaries – be prepared, it’s precisely your loved ones who will “steamroll over you.”
See also Transformation of Hatred into Love. How to Heal This Destructive Feeling
Read how to cope with destructive emotions towards loved ones.
3. Be honest about your feelings and desires
A huge block of misunderstanding lies in the social restrictions on behavior towards loved ones.
“You can’t be angry at mom,” “You can’t refuse help to a relative,” “The elder is always right,” “You have an unpayable debt to your parents (or friends).”
All these restrictions close us off from sincere feelings, and ultimately, from understanding.
There is a simple exercise. Imagine that the close person who causes you the most tension is just a distant acquaintance.
How will your behavior and feelings toward him change?
Would you let a random acquaintance treat you this way? No? Then why do you allow a loved one to?
The same goes for “forced communication.” For example, having to meet or call a certain relative once a week.
Imagine this person is just an acquaintance. Would you choose to communicate with them? Are they interesting to you as a person?
If you would feel good with this person regardless of the family tie — wonderful.
But if nothing besides “family obligations” connects you… Then what is the point of this, let’s say, not entirely honest communication?
See also How to Overcome Dependence on Others’ Opinions
You will free yourself from the fear of judgment that holds back your potential.
4. Remove Vows and Oaths
Few people know this, but sometimes what forces us to tolerate inappropriate behavior from our relatives is… vows and oaths.
These can be childhood promises. For example, “I swear I will never upset Mommy.”
You may have forgotten it yourself, but for some reason you keep trying to please her, and your communication resembles a manipulative game… “Oh, you won’t do it… But I’ll be upset…”
Among spiritual practitioners, the vow to “save the Family” is common — hence your desire to “open your loved ones’ eyes to the truth” and the sharp disappointment if they don’t listen to you.
And if they also lead a destructive lifestyle (alcoholism, etc.) — oh, how much effort can go into trying to “save” them…
There is also the frequently encountered oath to “sacrifice yourself for the sake of the Family” or “serve the Family.” It manifests as endless rescuing of relatives, without regard for your own interests and health.
The only thing worse is the vow to “help all people.” The one who unconsciously operates under this can refuse no one. As a result, anyone and everyone takes advantage of your kindness, and sometimes they outright sit on your neck.
You may even understand the situation intellectually, but it’s as if you are unable to get rid of it. These are signs of an oath “stitched” into your subconscious.
Such oaths and vows absolutely must be found and removed.
5. Let Go of Expectations for Loved Ones
No matter how much you want your loved ones to understand you, share your values, and treat you “well” — acknowledge that you cannot influence this in any way.
Respect the right of another person to behave as they want and can.
Relatives are not obligated to meet your expectations. They have the right to be offended by you, to scold you, to not listen to your explanations, to ruin their own lives. This is their freedom of choice.
You can tell them about your rights and needs, and perhaps they will listen (or not). You can also reduce communication that is unpleasant for you.
This is all you can do — but it’s not so little!
Interestingly, when you let go of excessive expectations and demands, understanding with loved ones miraculously improves.
See also Relationships with Parents from a Spiritual Perspective. Acceptance as the Foundation of Relationships
6. Accept yourself and your right to choose
Hooray! You also don’t have to live up to the expectations of your loved ones.
You behave the way you know how; this is your vision of happiness and growth.
This is your free choice as a mature individual, and you have earned this right.
Of course, there will be people, even among your loved ones, who will judge you.
But. As soon as you accept your right to be yourself, their words stop affecting you. And, honestly, those attacks eventually just fade away on their own.
See also: “Good Girl” or the Woman Who Creates. Which one do you choose to be?
You need to listen to yourself. No one knows your life, circumstances, and the motives behind your choices better than you. There is not a single person in the world who knows “the right way” for you to act in your life, except for you.
These are the main tips to stop adapting to your loved ones and suffering from misunderstanding.
By going through all the points, you will finally understand yourself (see the epigraph). And that, perhaps, is the most important thing of all…