This is the second part of an article on why it’s so hard to be yourself.
In the first part, we looked at the reasons for this and figured out how to convey your truth without imposing your opinion.
In this article, we’ll talk about why, when you allow another person to be themselves, they don’t allow you to be yourself.
Let’s figure out why this happens.
What to do if it’s hard to be yourself with loved ones
A question from a listener of the project: “It’s so hard when you let another person be themselves, but they pressure you. Why?”
When you allow a person to be themselves, do they see it? This is the first question you should ask yourself.
And the second: do they value it? Maybe they don’t even need it?
If they both see it and value it, and this is determined through simple questions and communication, then that’s great.
It’s important to ask these questions without reproach or indignation. Because the person will immediately become defensive, or become aggressive, or simply shut down and stop listening to you.
If the person both sees and values it, then it’s important to learn to stand up for yourself and your personal space. For example: “Last time we did it your way. Now I want to do it my way. Do I have the right to do that?”
Usually, this phrase is followed by an acknowledgment that you also have the right to your own desire, but as a rule, this is followed by resentment or dissatisfaction from most people.
But if you want to express yourself, to be yourself, be prepared for this challenge.
The scales are very simple — you do what they want, or you allow yourself to be yourself, to do what you like. Often, to do this, you need to endure angry huffing several times, and for women, it’s resentment with hysterics and complete ignoring.
Weigh both options on the scales for yourself, realize that this is a challenge, and accept it.
For you, preserving yourself is always more valuable, especially for a woman. After all, most women, when they enter a relationship, begin to lose themselves. Women know how to dissolve. They can completely immerse themselves in work, seeing nothing else. The same goes for relationships.
And then, at some point, a sobering moment comes: “Where is my life? Where am I? Where are my interests? Where is what I want?”
The same happens with the arrival of children — everything for them, I’ll think about myself later.
So always choose yourself. Everything you do, you do for yourself, to change yourself and your life.
But at the same time, when you change yourself and you have a partner nearby, they may not like the changes that are happening to you. And a situation is possible where you outgrow them, and they simply disappear from your life. Unfortunately, there is that danger.
See also: Living for Yourself or Living for Others
Find out from the video how to put yourself first in your life, and why it’s so important
How to stand up for yourself with love
Another question is how to be yourself, to express your truth without hurting or traumatizing your loved ones. How to stand up for yourself with love?
It’s easier to set boundaries with strangers. But with a close person, like your husband or mom, you can’t do it. And you don’t even notice — it’s a blind spot. This has developed over the years; it’s your style of communication and interaction.
To a stranger, you can say, “Get out of here and don’t call me.” But when your mom calls, you get stuck on the phone, even though you need to run urgently, people are waiting for you, and you can’t tell her because she’ll get offended and start guilt-tripping you.
Your task is to learn to see yourself, your habitual behavior with loved ones in this communication. To do this, use one single catchphrase for all occasions: “Thank you, I saw it.” That’s it. You don’t need to do anything with it. Just track your behavior, your reactions to communicating with family, where you’re stepping on your own throat.
If your husband comes with some unclear phrase and asks some unclear question, and it unsettles you, you say the catchphrase: “Thank you, I saw it.” You say this not to him, but to yourself. One situation is enough. And then you create a small action plan for yourself about what you’ll do with it next.
When awareness comes to you, understanding where you’re shortchanging yourself in communication with loved ones, you’ll have a choice in how to act, how to respond to that same mom when she calls at a bad time. You’ll bring the situation into the light of awareness.
And here there’s no room for complaints, indignation, or resentment on your part, because you understand that loved ones are merely catalysts for your process of returning to yourself.
Looking from this perspective, the right decisions and answers appear.
See also Why it’s important to maintain personal space in relationships. Dependent and healthy relationship models
How do you find common ground with loved ones if they invade your personal space?
Article written based on materials from the group meditation Being Yourself. How to Express Your Truth with Love