At the Keys of Mastery project, we view any question through the lens of spirituality. Divorce is a difficult topic.
It is easy to traumatize a child during a separation from a husband/wife. How to behave in such a situation so as not to betray yourself (not to stay with an unloved spouse solely for the sake of the child) and not to traumatize the child in connection with the divorce.
Read on to learn how to help a child cope with their parents’ divorce.
The Child and Parental Divorce. The Situation Through the Prism of Spirituality
If you have experienced your parents’ divorce in your life, which makes you feel traumatized, your task is to love and heal your inner child who is stuck in that childhood age.
As a rule, the divorce of mom and dad is an unpleasant phenomenon in itself, and often during and after the divorce, a woman begins to take revenge on her ex-husband by instilling in the child what a bad father he is.
This is categorically unacceptable, because the woman/mother, without realizing it, cuts off the child’s masculine part. If a mother acts this way, she condemns the child to problems in relationships with men, ailments on the right side of the body, and so on.
Some women simply refuse to talk to the child about the father. A small child, to fill the void, makes up their own stories about the father.
Since the father is not around, these stories, one way or another, turn out to be bad and traumatize the child themselves.
It is important to go through a divorce wisely — so that the child does not feel or imagine that dad and mom separated because of them.
The most short-sighted parents even stoop to placing all the responsibility for the divorce on the child’s shoulders, directly telling them, “this happened because of you.”
See also How a child’s soul chooses parents. Basics of raising children from a spiritual perspective
How to help a child survive parents’ divorce without traumatizing them
1. Maintain the father’s communication with the child after divorce
If parents divorce, the woman’s task is to ensure that the father maintains a relationship with the child.
As a rule, a man loves children “through a woman”.
When a man loves a woman, he loves the children they share. If a man no longer loves the woman, the children also lose attention and former love.
It is a rare case when a child comes to the father, and then the father loves the child “for everyone”.
After divorce, a woman needs to take the initiative and “guide” the father to maintain contact with the child.
The main condition is that you do this while excluding any claims against your ex-husband and the child’s father.
It is you, as a woman, who makes efforts in this direction (initiates, reminds, organizes) because it is important to you that your child grows up whole.
For a child to develop into a complete personality, they must maintain relationships with both dad and mom.
If the father is categorically against communicating with the child, find an opportunity to organize the child’s communication with the father’s parents.
A child’s lineage consists of two parts – the male line and the female line. It is important for the child to understand that both are present in their life. The volume and quality of presence, by and large, do not matter.
What matters is the understanding that it exists.
Be realistic. If you, as a woman, do not make an effort in this regard, the man is unlikely to do so.
You traumatize the child even more if you continue to sit in resentment and shift all the “obligation” onto the child’s father.
If a man invests in a woman, he will also invest in the child. If a man does not invest in a woman, he will not invest in the child.
It is a rare case when it happens differently. Such is the culture and mentality of our geo-space.
Moreover, women unconsciously support this trend.
For example, women are often against their husband’s communication with his children from a previous marriage, or against the husband financially supporting those children.
Women do not understand that by doing so they create a precedent: if a man treats his first child poorly, he will do the same to another.
2. Provide the child with contact with masculine energy
If it so happens that your child has never seen and does not know his father, still talk to him, tell him at least something about his father.
It is important for the child to know that the father was (exists).
If the male line does not take any part in the child’s life, this does not prevent you from having conversations with the child about his male lineage and acknowledging its presence.
A child needs masculine energy. A girl needs it, and a boy needs it even more.
Arrange it so that your child has the opportunity to regularly communicate with men from your circle (grandfathers, colleagues, friends, etc.).
Such communication can (partially) compensate for the presence of masculine energy in the child’s life.
3. Get rid of the “divorced woman” complex
If you get lost and do not know what to answer your child when he asks why there is no dad around, these are only your own complexes and fears.
The child mirrors the mother’s attitude.
If you, being divorced or without a partner, feel complete, normal, and not deprived in any way, your child will mirror that same balanced state.
The so-called “divorcee” complex lives only in your head. The child, as a rule, voices what is in your head.
However, you may not realize this or refuse to acknowledge it.
See also: How to realize your feminine value
These 10 tips will help you learn to respect and accept yourself.
4. Do not sort out relationships in front of the child
You should not put up with everything that happens, but you must not argue in front of the child.
Any sorting out of relationships with your husband or ex-husband should happen “off-screen,” not in the child’s presence. Otherwise, the child may believe they are to blame for the discord between the parents.
I did not think I was to blame for the arguments that happened between my parents, but I lost my connection with God, I became disillusioned.
I was little, I stood in the room on my knees and prayed to dear God to make them stop arguing, to make them stop sorting things out once again.
When this happened over and over, and there was no answer, I decided that I was so insignificant, so small, that God didn’t care about me.
Many years later, when I grew up and was already working in the field of spiritual growth, it dawned on me that I have no right—by the law of free will—to intrude into the lives of other people.
It is their choice, their relationship. They are the ones building it, not me.
And no matter how much I asked, there was no answer, not because God doesn’t love me or ignores my requests, but because it is their choice to build that type of relationship.
But back then, as a little girl, I didn’t know this, so I experienced deep disappointment.
See also How to create a healthy relationship with a teenage child
If you have successful experience in building a child’s relationship with a former spouse, please share it in the comments. It will be very useful for readers who are going through the separation stage and who want to help their children cope with their parents’ divorce!
The article is based on a broadcast from the #conversation_on_the_couch section “Three foundations in raising children”