In our series of broadcasts and articles on relationships, we have not yet touched on the aspect of dissolving into a partner and the right to personal space in relationships.
Judging by the number of questions on Instagram, this topic is very relevant among our subscribers.
In this article, we will address this issue and also examine models of relationships between a man and a woman, identifying which one is codependent and which one is considered healthy.
Are you familiar with the situation where you dissolve into another person and start living by their interests?
I have gone through this many times, and what saved me was that Maris himself is very self-sufficient and has his own interests. From the very beginning, there was no opportunity to crawl inside and dissolve into him.
Judging by what women write in response to my Instagram stories, I realized that this topic is inexhaustible.
It manifests in various symptoms, for example, when someone else’s life (neighbors, acquaintances, relatives, pop stars) is more interesting than your own. And all because a person does not have their own fulfilling life.
Three models of relationships between a man and a woman
1. Relationship model where a woman dissolves into a man
Dissolving into a partner is a relationship model that has been glorified in our songs, films, and literature. Dissolving into a man is supposedly happiness.
A woman envisions a shared happy life as complete dissolution into the man, as well as the man dissolving into her. Complete dissolution into each other, a 100% overlap of her life and his.
Have you encountered this?
And if earlier this trend was observed among women, now a new generation of men has grown up who allow themselves to feel, and they dissolve into women.
But this is a dependent position and the most unsustainable relationship model. At the same time, it is the dream of a huge number of people.
Dissolving in a partner — a growth point in relationships
Higher powers say that we grow very well through relationships.
Each person had their own life, their own interests, they started living together and decided, either both or one of them, that they should dissolve.
Society, based on this model, assumes that now there should be no personal interests separate from each other, only shared ones remain. We are either together or not at all.
And it is more or less normal when both are ready to dissolve, but usually people are attracted trauma to trauma: one is self-sufficient, the other wants to dissolve.
For example, one person is overly self-centered, they love themselves so much, they think they are the center of the universe, and everything should happen for them. And next to them is a woman who, on the contrary, is ready to give herself entirely, without valuing her own interests and needs.
This is an ideal complement to each other within the framework of a “trauma to trauma” relationship. They were attracted by the principle: one has an excess, the other has a deficit.
He has everything only about himself, and this woman will give him everything only about him. For her, this is a good growth point to finally understand what self-love is, to declare that she also has her own life, personal space within the relationship.
And growth occurs on this conflict of interests.
Perhaps the man’s heart will open, and he will begin to notice someone besides himself. And the woman, through pain and unmet expectations, can grow and say that this does not suit her. And then either they will try to exist as equals together, or their paths will diverge.
Another situation. A self-sufficient woman meets a man who is not as self-sufficient, who wants to do everything together. She will feel clinginess, intrusiveness. His growth point is to learn to create space for himself and give space to his partner.
See also How to stop sacrificing yourself without being selfish
Read to understand the reasons why you sacrifice your time and resources, and how to stop such behavior.
2. Healthy relationship model
Let’s call it the Olympic rings model.
It includes the life of one person and the life of another. They intersect only in small parts. They intersect in what unites them. This is a model of family, marriage, a model of productive relationships.
If you look at your life through this model, you can get many answers where you are acting unproductively.
Oddly enough, it is men who take care that their part remains inviolable, preserved unchanged. Someone goes hunting, fishing, they may or may not take their family.
In such a couple, people follow their friendships, interests, so that their hobbies remain. For men, this is often a sacred zone, and when a woman tries to intrude there, that’s when defending their interests begins.
A man very simply puts up a wall, while a woman easily dissolves, gives up her interests, and tries to make her husband’s interests her own.
A balanced person, in this case a man, does not demand that a woman give up her interests, does not demand that she completely switch to the family.
The woman gives them up of her own free will. Do you recognize yourself in this?
A woman thinks she has found what she wanted, and she needs nothing more, she dissolves.
Usually, women with a weakened solar plexus behave this way.
And therefore, such a woman often meets a self-sufficient man. They fit into each other like puzzle pieces. This is a point of growth for both, especially for the woman.
When you step over this, scars, “ears,” and a periodic desire to dissolve in a man still remain. If you have your own fulfilling life and interests, you can already restrain yourself, but when you don’t, you start living the man’s life.
A mature, conscious person understands what drives them. But there are many adults who never left childhood.
But maybe it’s time to find out what these internal driving motives are that lead to unclear situations and learn to understand yourself and what drives you?
See also What is partnership between a man and a woman. What factors determine it
3. Lemurian relationship model
I was translating the book “Telos” by Aurelia Louise Jones, and one chapter was dedicated to relationships.
Imagine you live not 50-60 years, but 10 thousand years. Do you think you could stay with one person all that time?
In Telos, a 5th-dimensional city, there were relationships where young couples moved in together and tried themselves in relationships. And only after some time, when they were ready to say they were prepared to spend eternity next to each other, they entered into a kind of marriage, a union.
And only after that could they conceive a child. Because before that, it was a temporary relationship, without any derogatory meaning.
Temporary relationships could last about 50 years, and then a separation would occur because the people did not feel that inner readiness to continue being together.
1+1 is not 2, but much more
When a person becomes self-sufficient, they stop needing someone.
The word “need” comes from the word necessity.
The question arises: why are relationships needed if I don’t need to be complemented, if I can complement myself?
I found an answer for myself — because together we can do many times more than one. Two is not one plus one, but much more and stronger.
When two equal partners enter a relationship, the result is not a two, but at least a ten.
Many people lack an example of happy relationships between a man and a woman, because they may not have had them with their parents or in their surroundings. But now there are a huge number of movies and books where you can observe other people’s models and gather what resonates with both of you.
Or go by the method of contradiction, write down what doesn’t suit you and replace it with an equal but opposite.
See also How the state of your chakras affects relationships in a couple
When 1+1 = 1000, but he is married
Lately, such questions come up. And I ask: why do you love yourself so little?
When two people decide to be together, it doesn’t matter if there are wives or husbands; they get divorced, break off relationships, and start living together.
That’s how it was with us. When Maris and I met, he was in a relationship, and he ended it.
I urge you to be honest. When the songs start about a man not being able to get a divorce — one is lying, and the other allows themselves to be deceived.
And then this formula sounds not like “1+1”, but like “I am for you”, because you are being used.
Why it is important to maintain personal space in relationships and respect the space of your loved ones
Respecting the partner’s right to space
It is important to establish space for yourself. If you don’t have it, work on creating it.
Every medal has two sides. Therefore, when you assert your boundaries and do not want to be forced to do something, realize that the same applies to your partner as well.
If you have a conflict and the person takes a long time to come out of it, give them space for themselves.
That this space should exist is one thing, but that it also needs to be respected is the second part.
When you demand that your personal space in the relationship be respected and that you be given the opportunity to have it, respect the other person’s space.
People who grew up in an environment where they had their own space will strive with all their might to defend and preserve it.
See also Personal Boundaries – How Not to Lose Yourself
In this article, I offer you a simple algorithm for defining and protecting your personal boundaries.
Whether children need to be given space
Children must have their own space as a necessity. Many parents do not even realize how they intrude into their children’s space, violating their personal boundaries.
For example, a situation. A teenager has their own room, their own space, and the mother constantly appears there, trying to teach the girl or boy to be tidy.
Their space is a place where they are the master, and no one has the right to enter without permission.
Negotiate, set rules. But if you yourself did not have such a space in childhood, it is difficult to pass on this model. At the same time, if you saw that you did not have it but wanted it, from a sense of defiance you can give it to your children.
See also How to create a healthy relationship with a teenage child
How to help a mother after a divorce from the father find her own space
If a woman did not have her own space, it will be hard for her to go through a divorce.
If she was deprived of the opportunity to immerse herself in her husband, she will strive to live by the interests of her adult children. Here it is important to help create her own space so that she does not “intrude” into yours.
Ask your mother what interests her, help her create a hobby, introduce her to the internet, to social networks, add all relatives, her friends, acquaintances there, let her start communicating little by little.
Show in social networks those parts of life that you consider necessary, let your mother see that everything is fine with you.
And how is it with you regarding personal space in relationships? Do you allow yourself to have it? Your loved ones?
The article is written based on a broadcast from the section #conversation_on_the_couch “Space for yourself”