It becomes easier without parents. Self-confidence appears because parents constantly worry about money, about health, about me. Their attitudes influenced my development of this insecurity in myself and in life!
But eventually, parents will return, and why do I need their worries. How can I preserve that inner state that has just, just been born?
This is a serious question. In general, everything related to relationships with parents breaks down into several components.
Parents are the closest people, even if you had some problems, but it is very difficult to interact with them for several reasons.
One of these reasons is that as soon as we change something in our lives, a feeling arises inside us that we need to share this with other people.
And we start sharing with colleagues, close friends, and parents, leading to many arguments and conflicts because close people do not react to it the way we want.
One of the main principles is not to share anything with people
Do not share what you have learned, do not share the realization that has occurred, with those people who do not understand what you are doing.
Because for them, for example, it will be a waste of money, leading to great doubts and great worries.
And their thoughts and doubts still affect you. And the less information people have, the fewer thoughts they project toward you, the fewer worries, less anxiety, less negativity of all kinds.
This works very well with parents.
See also Why it is so difficult to free yourself from the influence of others’ opinions
Since childhood, our parents’ opinions have been authoritative for us. Often, little changes as we age. In this article, you will learn what reasons prevent us from freeing ourselves from the influence of others’ opinions, including those of our parents.
Step one: accept that parents are who they are.
They gave birth to you, they lived their own lives, they have in any case lived much longer than you have, so leave them alone.
If they have a desire to change, they will change; if they have no desire, they will not.
The hardest part is accepting them as they are: with their attempts to save a ruble instead of buying something quality. Saving on trifles, then once again realizing they shouldn’t have saved.
These are their quirks, their right to live that way. This is the hardest step — to accept.
With all their cockroaches, they have earned the right to live as they wish, they have earned it so that children do not interfere.
Imagine that your own children are growing up and start teaching you: “you should have done it this way,” they start nagging you, bossing you around.
Would you find that pleasant? Do you want such a turn of events in your life? Most likely, no.
So, the first step is to accept them as they are. They have the right to live as they want.
A different approach to relationships will help you accept and understand your parents. Read about what vertical relationships are and how to build them with people.
Step two: shield yourself from their influence
To do this, you need to clearly define your territory, set your own rules of communication specifically with you.
If you have ordinary parents who
- communicate with grandparents,
- who sit on benches,
- watch TV,
- gather a bunch of diverse information from all sides, especially those stories that happen to relatives,
- and try to dump it all on your head,
you just need to explain clearly, not in a way that offends them or harshly gives them an ultimatum: “Don’t talk to me about this topic,” but by all means show that you are not interested in it, you live by different rules.
You must have your own, clear, clearly expressed position on this matter, so that they know about it.
On any negative topics about what went wrong with someone, what parasites there are, what a bad government it is, you say: “I don’t talk about these topics!”
I had a period when my mother called and said: “You know, they showed it on TV! And in Oryol this or that happened. And you know, they killed so-and-so there?”
I replied: “Mom, why are you telling me all this? Do you want to support me, do you want to cheer me up, do you want to ask for advice? What is the point of this conversation?”
The first time she was very offended and cried, saying “I can’t talk to my daughter about what interests me.”
To which I replied: “That’s great, but the topic of conversation should also be interesting to the daughter.”
After several such unobtrusive steps, everything became normal. There were no more attempts to talk about these topics.
The less parents know about what is going on inside you, what you live by, the better for you, for your strengthening.
I love to use the metaphor of an island:
Everything that happens in your life, the reality that is being formed in your life, is an island.
But while it is still afloat, while it is an invisible haze that has not yet solidified into a stronghold, keep your inner space for yourself.
Let it be sacred to you, so that you do not feel such external influences to the extent that you do now.
Less information for parents, fewer questions for you, less of everything else.
It is a fine line, but you need to learn to feel it and apply it.
And each time, an unobtrusive little wall, a wall, a wall, a wall, a wall. I do not talk about these topics, this topic does not interest me, you do not need to cross this line.
See also: Relationships with parents from a spiritual perspective. Acceptance as the foundation of relationships
Step Three: Parents Need Proof
Your parents will stop bothering you with their worries and problems the moment they see that everything is working out for you — in matters of relationships, money, social fulfillment, or any other area.
What Matters to Your Parents
If you tell them basic truths from a spiritual perspective or from the standpoint of your transformation, they will not understand.
I faced such persecution regarding my daughter’s upbringing. That I allow her everything, that she is so independent, that she makes decisions at a young age.
This continued until her father received solid proof that this type of upbringing is valid, because there are positive results.
My daughter is 11 years old, and I don’t always know what she’s up to. If she needs to solve a problem and knows that Mom can’t solve it, she takes the phone herself, calls Dad, and makes arrangements with Grandma.
Sometimes I only find out after the fact that the child coordinated a bunch of people to make something happen.
For example, to go somewhere, she needs to arrange with Grandpa to bring the swimsuit that’s at the parents’ house. She needs to call Dad and arrange for him to take her to the performance. Because she knows I have a webinar, Mom is busy.
She presents Mom with a fait accompli: that certain things need to be prepared in a certain way so that she can be in a certain place at a certain time.
Right now, Grandpa beams when he interacts with his granddaughter. And he understands that she wouldn’t have turned out this way if she had been forbidden from doing many things, if she hadn’t been given complete freedom.
This is an example of how it can work.
To speak more abstractly. Every mother, every father wants to see their child’s successes, and these successes are basically the same for everyone.
They need to know that everything is fine in the children’s relationships.
So, you need to show that everything is indeed fine in the relationships
You don’t need to show conflicts if you have them with your husband or children.
They need to see your successes and joys. And they don’t need to know that something might be going wrong. If you need to pour your heart out, find a close friend; don’t involve your parents in this regard.
Because parents remember everything. Their brains are wired differently.
They can easily tell you the names of your childhood teachers, the names of your classmates, what grade you got at a certain age, who wronged you.
Try questioning your parents; most will tell you about it.
For example, I don’t even know half of my classmates by name — I look at school photos and can’t tell who they are.
It was so long ago, it was on a different timeline of life… But they remember.
And all that negativity you shared with them only because you needed support will later backfire on you. Especially if it concerns a husband, a beloved man, or some relationships. They will throw it back in your face later.
Therefore, there should be a certain pretty picture for parents. All parents want social significance and money.
So, you need to show them this, tell them about something you bought, subtly, or demonstrate your other successes.
In my time, when I worked as a translator at the Sofia publishing house, several translated books were released. I gave the first book they sent me to my parents. Parents needed to see that their child wasn’t doing something unclear, not just sitting at the computer for days on end.
Personally, having a few published books doesn’t make me feel hot or cold. It was an experience in life, useful to me. It didn’t affect my vanity or pride at all, but for them, it was an important proof. Therefore, everyone must find what their parents value.
… To meet their expectations.
No, we’re not talking about expectations; we’re talking about the proof parents need that their child has succeeded.
In what exactly — that depends on the parents. For some, career is important; for others, significance is important.
And then they back off from you, they really back off. They may not understand you, and most likely, they don’t understand you.
They remain with their claims, anxieties, and worries. But they see that what you are doing brings you success, brings you luck, and changes your life for the better.
And even if everything is not as you want it, not as good as you would like, your parents do not need to know about it.
Excerpt from a support webinar, February 2013