On what principles are your relationships with other people built?
On control, manipulation, expectations — manifestations of a horizontal type of relationship? Or on trust, freedom of choice, and respect — vertical relationships?
Horizontal relationships create suffering, while vertical ones lead to harmony.
In this article, you will learn what characterizes horizontal and vertical relationships and what will help you learn to build relationships with people from a vertical standpoint — based on love and trust.
Horizontal Relationships — What Characterizes Them
Before talking about vertical relationships, let’s define horizontal relationships.
Horizontal relationships are relationships with people in the conventional sense.
These characteristics will help you understand what to pay attention to in your relationships and whether elements of horizontal communication are present in them:
1. Relationships based on the principle of “you — to me, I — to you”
It implies that if I did something for you, then you owe me something in return. The emphasis is on the word “owe.”
Or: I love you if you love me, I treat you well if you respect me.
There is a belief that if one person doesn’t like you, then why treat them well.
This also includes the “obligation” to love your parents — after all, they invested so much in you, or to love your children — how could you not love your own child.
Society imposes these “obligations.” But are they always fulfilled by everyone?
I want to emphasize that you shouldn’t take everything literally. I am not calling for you to not love your parents, children, or loved ones.
Look deeper: since we live on a planet of free choice, it means each of us has the right to choose who to love and with whom to prefer to spend more time.
And this love should not be defined by obligation.
You cannot force someone to love, or force anyone to live by your rules.
Also read why you tolerate “terrorizing” relationships with parents and how to fix it.
2. Dependency in relationships and false expectations
Expectations of specific behavior from another person (whether it’s your partner (husband/wife), mother, father, children, relatives, colleagues, friends, acquaintances, or strangers).
Your mood and emotional state depend on the behavior, desires, and actions of another person.
If a person doesn’t behave the way you expect, you suffer.
For example, you have a good acquaintance. You communicate and cross paths periodically, while each of you has your own life and your own circle.
But at some point, you grow closer, and your relationship develops into friendship.
After that, for some reason, expectations are placed on this person: how they should treat you, whether they should help, whether they should come running to your rescue after every request (they’re your friend, after all), whether they should inform you of their plans: “How come they went somewhere and didn’t tell me?! Maybe I wanted to go too.” Or — “Why did they go with our mutual acquaintance and not with me?”
Suddenly, grievances appear, tied to your expectations about what a friendship should be like. Even though before you became friends, the relationship was wonderful.
The same thing happens in romantic relationships. At the stage of getting to know each other and growing closer, there are no grievances. But as soon as the relationship becomes more intimate, expectations appear about how he/she should behave in general, and towards you.
See also: How to Overcome Resentment
7 Stages of Transition from Resentment to Wisdom – A Personal Story
3. Manipulation, Control
Dependence on a loved one’s specific behavior often leads to a desire to manipulate them to achieve the desired effect.
In most cases, this is done unconsciously. For example, parents manipulate their children (and vice versa), pursuing seemingly noble goals — for the child’s benefit.
But in doing so, they grossly violate the spiritual law of free will and the soul’s choice.
An excessive desire to control another person is also a sign of horizontal relationships.
The reasons for control and manipulation are self-doubt, distrust of the life process, distrust of people, and pride.
These are some of the signs of a victim consciousness. Find out what else defines this state.
4. Energy Ping-Pong
When a person is drawn into a conflict, or becomes a participant in a quarrel, people often start a game called energy ping-pong: “Oh, I’m a fool? Well, then you’re a fool too!”
Someone has caused you pain, insulted you, or done you wrong, and you respond in kind.
And so a game begins where each side tosses insults back and forth: you insulted me, and I respond in kind. It turns into a game of ping-pong, but an energetic one. Where the ball is negative energy.
It’s good if the situation fizzles out on its own, but sometimes it turns into a real conflict, a knot gets tied that becomes harder and harder to untangle over time.
Sometimes people have already forgotten the root cause of the quarrel, but they continue to hate each other.
And all because they are acting from horizontal connections. This can go on forever, draining the health, strength, happiness, and harmony from both sides.
And there is only one way out — to stop.
Why You Need to Give Up the Horizontal Type of Relationship
What do you think these signs of horizontal communication have in common?
Such relationships are built from a victim consciousness. That is, others owe me, I depend on someone, I give away my power, I am incapable of anything myself, I am not valuable.
In horizontal relationships, you are constantly suffering, placing yourself in a state of dependence on another.
You cling to a person; it seems to you that if you let them go, they will leave, stop communicating with you, or treat you in a way you wouldn’t want.
And many don’t even suspect that it’s possible to build relationships with people differently.
And even if they do know, they don’t want to change, because it places a great deal of responsibility on them for their own life and decisions. Who then would they blame for their failure, who would they resent?
If you want to move away from suffering, dependence, and manipulation in relationships, there is only one way out — to transition to another type of relationship — vertical.
Even if the choice is one-sided, all participants will benefit in one way or another.
See also Three Types of Relationships. Do Ideal Relationships Exist?
What Are Vertical Relationships and Their Characteristics
Vertical relationships are based on free will and choice; they involve agreements instead of obligations. This is the absence of dependence on a person, on their attitude towards you, on their preferences.
Let’s look at the basic principles of vertical communication in more detail:
1. Relationships are based on free will and choice
You understand that a person fundamentally owes you nothing, and you owe them nothing. Even if they are your family or close loved ones.
You, as well as the person with whom you have a certain relationship, are free in your thoughts, actions, and desires.
Your relationship is voluntary; you communicate, live together, spend time together because you both enjoy it.
2. Relationships are based on trust and agreements
In such relationships, instead of obligations, there are agreements. You are free from illusions about how another person should behave towards you.
If certain issues are fundamental to you — for example, matters of daily life, fidelity, raising children — you openly discuss them with your partner and find a compromise that respects the interests of each.
The option of ending the relationship is not excluded if you cannot reach an agreement on important issues and if this prevents one of you from living according to the will of the soul.
See also Spiritual Growth as a Couple. 10 Rules to Help You Grow Together
3. There is no room for resentment, claims, or manipulation in the relationship
Since you initially accept that everyone has the right to their own life and desires, in such relationships there are no grudges or claims.
There is also no overthinking. All issues are discussed.
If you disagree with a partner’s or friend’s opinion, or don’t understand the motives behind their behavior, you don’t take offense or fall into making claims (horizontal), but instead try to find out the reason and express your own preferences.
If a person prefers to spend time not with you, but on their own affairs, they openly communicate this; you don’t take offense, but instead find a suitable activity for yourself as well.
Since you value and love yourself, know your goals and priorities, and trust the universe and higher powers, you don’t need to make another person dependent on you in order to keep them close.
For this same reason, you also do not manipulate their feelings.
See also: Why a self-sufficient man and woman need relationships. The family budget of two accomplished people
How to transition from horizontal communication to vertical and build relationships with people based on trust and love
It is difficult to completely abandon the old model and dependencies. For this, it is necessary to constantly develop, evolve spiritually, and learn to accept and unconditionally love yourself.
Only when you begin to feel your own worth will the desire to seek confirmation of love and significance from the outside fall away.
Give up the role of the victim who needs the love and attention of others, who doesn’t want to take responsibility for anything, and wishes to solve their own problems at the expense of others.
Review your beliefs, be centered in yourself (not egocentric), and consciously make decisions regarding relationships with other people.
Weigh your choices on the scales of wisdom: what do you want to say, how do you want to act, will it make you happier, and will it make your relationships closer and stronger?
Sometimes it is painful to realize that someone else was preferred over you, that a child doesn’t listen to your opinion but makes a completely different choice, which seems to you stupid or irrational.
But if this happens, look at the root — not at the actions of the other person, but at what hurts and offends you in those actions — that is, at your own attitude towards it.
You cannot influence other people, their lives, or their decisions, but you can change your worldview. And this will lead your relationships to harmony and you to a feeling of inner freedom.
See also: Discommunication in communicating with people. How to communicate with the “sleeping”
What you cling to strongly tends to move away, and what you let go of is attracted.
In relationships, too — by giving freedom and respecting the decisions of loved ones, you create the foundation for strong relationships built on freedom and trust.