Sometimes among female listeners of live streams, questions arise like: “Why am I attracted to married men?” or “How do I get out of a relationship with a married man?”
In reality, the question should be framed slightly differently: “Why do I attract married men?”
In this article, we will try to understand the reasons. We will consider a relationship with a married man as an example of counter-dependence. You will also learn how to get out of such relationships.
To answer the question posed at the beginning of the article, we will explain what codependence, counter-dependence, independence, and interdependence are as stages of human development in relationships.
Codependence and Counter-dependence
Codependent relationships are relationships in which “one partner, through their behavior, contributes to the self-destructive behavior of the other person” (Wikipedia). In such relationships, you are completely dependent on your partner, their mood, and their behavior.
All your actions are directed outward: you try to compensate for what you lacked in childhood from your parents or from those who raised you.
The state of counter-dependence can also originate in childhood. Or it can transition from codependence to counter-dependence, where you act as a rebel and keep people at a distance. This also occurs as a result of trauma.
See also [Interactive Article] Books on Codependence
Manifestation of Independence
The next stage is learning about your independence. You have already experienced either codependence plus counter-dependence, or just one of these stages, and you begin to learn how to set boundaries.
Learn to be individual, unique, learn to accept yourself, and at that moment you gain complete independence from other people, from others’ opinions, from what they might think or say about you.
Another person’s perspective ceases to dominate you.
This stage is very important. If judged by the development of a person’s chakras, it can be equated to the development of the solar plexus chakra in a child. When we take our power and learn to be individuals, to see that there is not only unity, but also me as a unique, precious being who is not connected to other people.
Interdependence, complementarity in relationships
When you have gained your own independence, learned to be independent, after that you move to the next stage, to a state of interdependence, or mutual combination, mutual complement, that is, trusting partnership relationships.
When you have worked through your traumas, by the law of attraction you attract to yourself an equally independent, in this case, self-sufficient person.
And two self-sufficient people learn to preserve their individuality and self-sufficiency, independence in these terms, and at the same time learn to negotiate and interact on a completely different level.
Sometimes it happens that something occurs in a partnership when you realize that the relationship does not satisfy you. Then you leave it, find the next person. And in this way, growth occurs from relationship to relationship.
See also What is partnership between a man and a woman. What factors determine it
What happens when you get stuck at one of the stages, particularly the counter-dependence stage? When there is a trauma inside and a fear of intimacy, as an option, you enter into a relationship with a married man.
Relationships with a Married Man as an Example of Counter-Dependence
Counter-dependence — you are afraid, or more precisely, your inner wounded child is afraid to let someone get too close to you.
It all starts as flirting, then the relationship develops. Sometimes a woman accidentally finds out the man is married, sometimes she knows from the start. This is no coincidence. Note that this way of reacting comes from a state of counter-dependence.
You do not let a person get close to you. Unconsciously. That is why you choose the wrong partner, one who cannot enter into a long-term relationship with you, which your inner child is panicky afraid of.
That is why you choose and attract a married man, with whom there is essentially no prospect of building a family.
Look in this direction. Which specific part of you is afraid of close relationships? And the next question: why is it afraid, what caused this fear?
No matter how many situations we have analyzed on this topic, where a married man repeatedly comes into play, this is exactly what you need to look at.
I am not talking now about women who consciously try to take a man away from his family: “let others suffer, as long as I feel good.” We do not even consider such options.
Everything we do at the Keys of Mastery is aimed a little differently, it goes in a different direction.
See also: How a Love Triangle Arises from an Energy Perspective
How to Get Out of a Relationship with a Married Man (Counter-Dependent Relationship)
But how do you get out of such a relationship, since it only brings pain and suffering?
The main point. If you are or have been in a relationship with a married man, ask yourself: Am I willing to settle for less? Even despite a warm connection, despite a deep inner resonance.
Am I willing to accept that he will always be leaving, that he will never be in the kind of relationship with me that I would want? Am I willing to waste myself on this, or do I deserve more?
If I do deserve more, and I understand and see that, then I preserve the warmth and love for this person, but I make room for something else in my life.
Otherwise, this cycle will repeat: one married man will be followed by another, and so on.
Nothing prevents you from loving a person from a distance, nothing prevents you from having feelings for them, but it is important to energetically clear the space so that another partner, a person who is worthy of you and whom you are worthy of, can enter your life.
Even if you feel him, the married man, as your man. Most likely, it is just a delusion that “my man” can be only one.
Each level has its own man. If you feel him that way now, you change, you say that I deserve more, you feel it from within, and another person comes to take his place.
Or there are other situations: you change, transform, and then meet this person again in a new capacity, in a different state. But hoping for that means stopping your own change.
Do not forget that many people develop through relationships. In order to grow, they need to attract a man who is one step above them each time.
See also: Stages of a woman’s evolution through relationships
Development through relationships — is that your way? What stages in relationships have you gone through?
The article uses answers to questions from the course “Happy Partnership” (discontinued)