“How much easier it becomes to live and breathe when you free yourself from attachment to others’ opinions, from the need to be good, to be recognized by someone.
You wonder: ‘Why didn’t I do this before?’ After all, it’s not fatal! On the contrary, if your true essence comes out of the shadows, there’s usually no judgment at all. And even if there is, it no longer matters.
And it feels so good! You celebrate this freedom – you’ve liberated another aspect of yourself!”
Natalia Prokofieva
In the first part, you learned what causes dependence on the opinions of others and how it harms you.
Today, I’ll share what actions will help you break free from it.
The process of liberation will require awareness on your part and regular review of your own motives for behavior.
But the result is worth it — you will increase your self-worth, strengthen your inner spiritual core, and free yourself from the fear of judgment that holds back the unfolding of your potential.
How to Overcome Dependence on Others’ Opinions
#1 Forgive and Accept Yourself
Realize that you are exactly as you are. Understand that you have the right to make mistakes. At every moment, you are doing the best you can.
If you cannot forgive yourself for some action, you will constantly see its reflection in the eyes of others.
You will feel that they all know and judge you.
And, as a rule, you will find yourself in situations where your shortcomings are pointed out.
Fear of judgment from others is a sure sign that a person feels guilty about something, feels they are not as they should be, or does not accept something in themselves.
Pay attention to what exactly you are afraid of, what you react to. In the presence of what kind of people do you feel out of place, as if they are about to voice the very thing you fear so much?
What a person carefully tries to hide is usually what stands out the most.
If you cannot yet accept a quality or action in yourself that bothers you, come up with what you will say to people who point it out to you.
Don’t make excuses; acknowledge what you are being “accused” of:
- “It’s your right to think that. Think whatever you want.”
- “Yes, I did that on purpose. I have my reasons.”
People will lose the desire to attack you. Usually, those who look for flaws in others have a whole load of them themselves.
When you can forgive and accept yourself with all your spots and bumps, you won’t need to prepare special phrases.
The opinions of those around you will become irrelevant. You will feel relief and find freedom.
#2 Give Yourself What You Need — Support and Praise
The sweetest prize a person dependent on others’ opinions wants to receive is approval and praise.
And what’s more, the more people appreciate your work, the more pleasant it is. But your worth won’t increase from this, because it’s an inner state.
You can’t fill yourself from the inside with something external, no matter how much effort you put in. So it’s better to take a different path.
Instead of wasting your energy chasing approval, direct it straight back to yourself. Praise yourself.
Focus on your positive qualities, acknowledge every single one of your victories, stop judging yourself for the slightest mistake or inaction.
If you’re feeling down, don’t rush to seek support from those around you, even if they’re close. In moments like these, as if on purpose, everyone disappears: the subscriber is unavailable, or everyone has just gone away.
Support yourself. Say everything that’s been weighing on you out loud to yourself, cry if you need to, write a letter to the person who hurt you and tear it up. Pour yourself a delicious cup of tea and wrap yourself in a blanket.
In the meditation “At the Peak of Your Potential,” you will travel back into the past, to those moments when you needed support and attention. You yourself will give yourself everything you lacked back then.
Try not to spread your bad mood to others. Perhaps the most valuable time is time spent alone with yourself.
You can receive powerful revelations that are incomparable to any advice from the outside.
I’m not saying you should completely stop sharing what’s on your heart with your best friend.
Just learn to give yourself what you usually seek from outside.
You will see how valuable one-on-one communication with yourself is. Your friendships will only benefit from this.
See also: The Trauma of Recognition. The Secret to Its Healing
#3 Allow people to judge you
You cannot forbid people from discussing you, judging you, or silence those who lecture you.
That’s their choice. Allow them to do it. They have their reasons. They are also going through their lessons; they need this.
You can only accept this fact, even though it’s not easy, let it go, and allow people to do what they want.
In the booklet “How to Free Yourself from Judgment,” we offer to explore the reasons for judgment and what happens when you judge. You will receive recommendations on how to free yourself from judgmental behavior and from spiritual pride.
It’s harder to detach from the attachment to others’ opinions if it’s your close ones or people whose regard you value.
Sometimes your life paths may diverge, but in most cases, truly close people will not turn away from you.
In my time, a phrase I came up with for myself helped me: “If he doesn’t want to love me the way I am, then we’re not on the same path. Someone will come along who won’t try to change me.”
Stop seeking support and understanding from people who are unable to give it to you.
If your mom doesn’t understand that you need rest and sees it as laziness and pointless idleness, let her keep thinking that.
Allow her to think that way. You won’t get understanding from her because she doesn’t allow herself to rest either.
But that doesn’t stop her from being your mom.
Stop playing the role of the perfect student who has no mistakes and can’t have any.
Why pile extra tasks on yourself just out of fear of being misunderstood by loved ones or colleagues?
You won’t get an A+ for this… And no medal either. And even if they gave you one, your life wouldn’t get any better because of it.
So choose yourself.
See also The Good Girl Complex — A Soul Task or a Problem
At some point in life, you realize that striving to do everything perfectly becomes an impossible task.
You’ve already loaded yourself up with so much that you simply don’t have the strength to handle it all.Is this a soul’s protest or temporary powerlessness?
Allow people to think whatever they want about you. You won’t die from it.
Back in childhood, you depended on your parents and their authoritative opinion. Now you’re an adult and fully capable of deciding what’s best for yourself.
#4 Step over your fear
You give up on your desires, comfort, the level of service you deserve, and the realization of your ideas and plans simply because you’re afraid of others’ opinions.
- “What will the neighbor across the hall or my boss think of me?”
- “No, I can’t go to salsa. I’ll look out of place there — I don’t know how to do anything, and I’m not the right age anymore.”
- “That’s an expensive boutique. It feels awkward to go in there. I won’t buy anything anyway, and the salespeople will judge me.”
These are some of the phrases people who depend on others’ opinions often tell themselves.
Even if you’re misunderstood, judged, or laughed at, it’s just a tiny fraction of a second in their lives. The rest of the time, people are thinking about themselves.
No one cares about anyone but themselves.
Sometimes, when I’m scared to do something, I tell myself: “Five minutes of embarrassment won’t kill me, but I’ll get what I want.”
Step over your fear and let people think whatever they want, but do what you truly want.
See also The Echo Chamber Effect. Why People Fall into the Trap of Agreement
Practice: “I Choose MYSELF”
I suggest doing a simple exercise that will show you how you limit yourself and how interesting your life could become.
Write a list of desires you keep putting off precisely because of your dependence on others’ opinions.
You’ll be surprised at how many pleasant, useful things you’re depriving yourself of.
Place on one scale your current life without all of this and the presence of your fear of others’ opinions, and on the other — everything you wrote down.
And now determine, using your personal indicator of truth — your heart, which side outweighs.
What is better — the old life with fears and limitations? Or is it still worth taking a risk and following the call of your soul?
The most effective way to fight any fear is to do the thing you are afraid of.
Remember that the universe always supports those who are brave, who move forward toward their goals despite fear.
Do it right now, without delay — the first thing you wrote on your list, or at least a real step in that direction.
Your task at this stage is to launch the energy, feel the flow, the drive, the faith in your own strength: Hey, I can do it! Everything is within my power! I just have to want it!
And move forward, don’t look back at your yesterday’s mistakes, errors, shortcomings, or still-unfinished things.
Take your destiny into your own hands and become the master of your life. Watch the broadcast “Exit from the Matrix. Your Own Game.” And the meditation “Journey to the Heart of Life” will help you fully embrace your power.
Check in with your wish list often and bring them to life, and forget about others’ opinions.
What good is approval to you if you have to limit your own life?
Choose your dreams, not others’ opinions!