Communicating with elderly parents is not always a pleasure for both sides.
In modern times, it is often complicated by mutual misunderstanding due to age differences, accumulated grievances over a lifetime, and the expectations and ideas parents have about who you, their children, should be.
In this article, we will discuss why this happens. You will learn how to communicate with elderly parents in a way that brings joy to both you and them.
Read about how communication between you and your parents occurs on an energetic level, and what to do to ensure this communication does not destroy you.
Elderly Does Not Mean Wise by Default
In olden times, elderly people were associated with wisdom. Younger people would seek advice from the elderly. Those times are long gone.
In the last few generations, age does not mean wisdom.
In the past, wisdom accumulated over the years. The entire system of upbringing linked the line from ancestor to parent, from parent to child (for example, from grandmother to mother, from mother to daughter, etc.).
The connection between generations was strong – worldly wisdom (knowledge and observations about life, valuable skills and abilities) was passed down from generation to generation.
On one hand, the connection between generations has been lost. On the other hand, a generation of new children is arriving.
The new generation is always more advanced, more prepared for the era in which it is born. Your parents (those over 70) can barely master a button remote control. Meanwhile, new children are born “with a phone in their hands.” The technological breakthrough is evident.
The difference in mentality creates the eternal problem of “fathers and sons.”
The older generation no longer means “wise.” On the contrary, a trend is becoming increasingly noticeable where a conservative view of life strengthens with age.
Moreover, rigidity of thinking and a tendency to criticize can “get younger” – there are people who begin to display such inclinations already in middle age.
If you are a wise person, pass your wisdom on to others. Do not tie wisdom to the expectation that another person will change.
Parents expect you to change when they nag you, express grievances, live in negativity, whine and complain, try to control you (regardless of your age), and interfere in your life.
When you change, your parents can also change.
Are parents always your mirrors
Parents are not always a “mirror” for you. Mirrors work up to a certain point. For approximately 30% of the audience of the “Keys” project, the mirrors have already stopped working.
The mirror principle is fundamental for the dual three-dimensional world. The mirror allows you to see what you refuse to see of your own free will, through awareness.
When you have accepted yourself and honestly look at yourself, you no longer need mirrors.
Now you know yourself. You have returned to your true self, so the mirror has nothing more to reflect, it stops working.
At a higher level of consciousness, there is no need for mirrors.
For this reason, depending on your level of consciousness, your parents may serve as mirrors for you, or they may not.
See also Five mirror principles and five mirrors of relationships
Energy exchange between you and your parents – to communicate or not
Parents can live off the energy of their children. This is what old people do who sit in negativity, scold and blame everyone and everything, provoke and push to get an explosion of someone else’s energy, vampirizing.
This behavior is typical of deep old people who are already physically exhausted and in need of replenishment.
At the same time, there are people who behave in a similar way throughout their lives, regardless of age. These people live by destroying others.
This category of people is divided into two main types:
- those who constantly provoke until they get their portion of energy;
- those who constantly complain (so-called “lunar vampires”).
If your parents belong to this category of people, you yourself decide what to do with your energy. If you are ready, you can periodically replenish your parents by visiting them, communicating with them.
But if you do not want to, you have every right not to communicate with your parents, regardless of “what others will say.”
If you do not communicate with your elderly parents, remember that your children may just as well not communicate with you. By asserting your right NOT to do something, you grant the same right to another.
When you are in a resourceful state, full of strength, in a state of grace and abundance (pleasure, joy, bliss, etc.), you engage in benevolence and help your parents.
Benevolence and helping parents are concepts that are much broader and greater than just financial support. The main condition is that you share with your parents from fullness, from surplus.
You call your parents, visit them, communicate with them, while remaining in the position of an observer, that is, without getting involved and allowing them to live as they wish, without reproaches or moralizing.
You share your attention, time, and energy with your parents.
If you are geographically far from your parents, transmit your love/gratitude/appreciation to them from your heart. This way you will replenish your parents, keeping the source from drying up.
In any case, this is your personal desire and your choice.
See also How to protect yourself from energy vampires and preserve your energy
Personal boundaries in communicating with elderly parents
If you constantly have to listen to negativity from your parents, first accept: your parents are negativists. Further, in this situation, the topic of boundaries inevitably comes up.
You can come up with rules by which you want to live and state them (to loved ones, relatives, any other person). For example, “I don’t talk about these topics” or “I don’t participate in this.”
For older people, topics for conversation are limited. The elderly live through the lives of others.
Most problems in relationships with aging parents are related to the fact that parents live the lives of their children. They live your life because they don’t have their own.
These are representatives of the “Soviet era” generation, one of whose main values was considered to be living for the sake of another (husband, children, party, country, etc.).
If you let such a parent into your life, you risk losing your “personal sovereign space.”
The main rule of an adult is the less parents know, the better for you. Share with your parents what is important to them, what you want to show them.
Share your victories, successes, good news, etc. with your parents.
You should not broadcast negativity, your problems, and the like to your parents. You are not a little child in need of a pacifier.
If you have a problem, first you solve it and only then tell your parents about how great you handled it.
If you have loving parents, they will support you. If you have unloving parents, they will only multiply your problems with their anxieties, fears, and worries.
Never tell anxious mothers anything.
Remember the main principle: what you broadcast (radiate), you receive.
If you yourself are in a state of agitation or fear, an anxious mother will multiply your own fears many times over. Why do you need someone else’s amplification of negative scenarios?
The state of being in your “vertical” is everything. Use any methods that allow you to stay in your vertical.
If you do not want information about your affairs to spread uncontrollably, do not share this information with your parents.
Share your successes with your parents — the things they consider successes.
For example, usually any mother wants her child to be happy in marriage. Therefore, when communicating with your mother-in-law, share with her those moments in which her son shows himself in the best light.
For many parents, it is important that their child fulfills themselves in life. Show your parents evidence of your social fulfillment.
These should be confirmations that are meaningful to the parents themselves (for example, a published book or praise from your boss).
See also Personal Boundaries – How Not to Lose Yourself
We offer a simple algorithm for defining and protecting your personal boundaries.
Become an adult – be a “parent” to yourself
It is impossible to “just endure and ignore.” Finally deal with the traumatized parts of yourself. If you are enduring, you are enduring — that is, this story is about you, not about them. These are your traumas.
Inside you sits a little child who still believes that mom didn’t give enough, didn’t love enough. Such a claim is fair and justified for a little child. How old are you?
If you want something in life, give it to yourself. Give yourself love.
If you are still in a state of “mom didn’t love me enough,” you have a hole in your heart. Because of this, you attract the “wrong” partners (men/women) based on the principle of “trauma attracts trauma.”
This will continue until you close that hole – until you fill yourself with love on your own.
In this sense, women have a greater chance of success. It is more difficult for men if they were not loved enough by their mother.
Separation has not been canceled. Once you turn 18, your parents no longer owe you anything: not to babysit your children, not to take care of you, not to help you with money or support.
Imagine that your parent is a stranger from the street. Do you expect anything from such a person?
Remove false beliefs about “obligations” between parents and children. As long as you hold onto these attitudes, you are always in a disadvantaged position.
When you extract all the damaging “musts” and “endurances” from yourself, you begin to communicate with your parents from a different position.
You pay them a tribute of gratitude: you understand that you came into this world thanks to them. You communicate with them from the position of an observer – without getting emotionally involved.
Building relationships with parents also includes issues of personal boundaries and financial dependence.
If, as an adult, you choose to live with your parents, you refuse to be the master of your own life and your own territory, preferring to be under someone else’s authority.
See also: How to allow yourself to be yourself if loved ones are pressuring you
If parents “love” one child more than another
If it seems to you that your parents always paid more attention to your brother or sister than to you, look at the situation from the other side.
It’s great that you were less controlled; you have more freedom.
According to interpretations of the mind, you feel inferior because your inner child feels it did not receive enough attention and love, as more love went to another.
Children come to one parent. Opposite-sex children usually come to different parents. If a son comes to his mother, she has a closer bond with him.
Boys are usually fussed over more than girls, especially from the perspective of the old matrix approach. A girl must be able to do everything. A son is a value, an “heir.”
If you are suffering, heal your wounded part. Rejoice that being “under-loved” helped you become an independent person. Whereas a “pampered” child risks turning into a selfish and helpless adult.
Expression of Parents’ Love for Your Children
A person shares with another what is most valuable to them, but for another person, completely different things will hold value.
For example, your mother-in-law very rarely sees her grandchildren and limits her involvement in their upbringing to a small amount of money, which she gives them each time they meet.
As a mother, you may be dissatisfied, because in your view, involvement in raising children involves active communication and shared leisure time.
Consider that the grandmother gives her grandchildren what, in her coordinate system, is the highest value—money. You simply have different values.
If you have a difficult relationship with your husband’s parents, you have every right not to communicate with them. But for your child, the opportunity to communicate with grandparents should be open.
A bird has two wings, and both must work. For a child to have a full life, it is important for them to communicate with relatives (grandparents) from both sides.
Do not worry about your little ones. Young children quickly grasp the rules of the game and easily adapt.
You broadcast to them the general line of conduct and release your fledglings for a while to communicate with their relatives. Your children return to you.
What principles help you communicate with elderly parents in a way that does not destroy, but rather fills both you and them? Do you use anything written in the article?
The article is based on broadcasts from the rubric #conversation_on_the_couch #118 End of interference in the world