Remember those movies about the invisible man? A person no one can see. Many would love to be in his shoes: you can do whatever you want and no one will see you, show up wherever you need to and remain unnoticed.
But there’s also a flip side to the coin — no one knows you exist, and you’re doomed to loneliness.
This article, of course, isn’t about physical invisibility, but about people who think they aren’t being noticed.
If this sounds familiar and it hurts you, then read on.
Let’s explore what the invisibility wound is, how it appears, and how to heal it.
I’ll say right away that I’m not a psychologist; this article is the result of my self-analysis, personal growth work, life experience, and observations.
What is the invisibility wound
The vow of invisibility — the name itself suggests it’s not about people who don’t notice you, but about your desire not to be noticed, to stay somewhere in the shadows.
It’s a desire that arises for some reason to not be seen or noticed, because being seen causes you pain or discomfort.
Perhaps at some point you experienced pain from intense attention or endured public punishment or blame, when people pointed fingers at you. After that, you wanted simply not to be seen. Being in the shadows, being unnoticed — that feels safe.
The vow of invisibility doesn’t appear out of nowhere; as one possibility, it results from psychological trauma, mostly in childhood.
Some part of you, in order to protect itself, uses this behavior pattern — being quiet, not standing out in any way.
You kind of push yourself out of this world so that no one sees you and, consequently, can’t hurt you.
See also: Ode to Pain, or Why You Need Pain
Use practical recommendations on how to get a resource from your pain and finally free yourself from it.
How the vow of invisibility differs from forced seclusion
Don’t confuse the invisibility wound with forced seclusion.
“By seclusion I mean the desire to stay inside and recover.
All people need some time to be inside. It’s a natural desire. Allow yourself this on a weekly basis. Sometimes you need more time to return to yourself.
If you work a lot, have tons of responsibilities, don’t know how to say no, and rush to help everyone at the first call, sooner or later a moment will come when you want to hide from everyone to return to your original, true self.”
Alena Starovoitova
The main difference is that such forced seclusion is a temporary phenomenon. When you feel full of strength and ready to interact with people, you go out into the world and return to your normal life.
This kind of immersion in yourself is necessary to rethink what’s happening to you and the motives driving you. It’s valuable time. You come out of this state with new thoughts, ideas, and a desire to change something.
Causes of the invisibility wound
Here are several possible reasons for the emergence of the vow or trauma of invisibility. This may not be all of them. If you have this trauma, the invisibility mask, and your reason is not listed here, write about it in the comments, and we will add it to the article.
- Public punishment, reprimand. For example, in kindergarten, a caregiver or at school a teacher could shame a child in front of everyone, thereby inflicting trauma on them.
- Rejection of the child by one of the parents. For example, a mother, wanting to instill in the child that this is not allowed, says: “Ugh, don’t come near me, I don’t love you.” As if to express, you did something bad, such people are not loved, if you behave well, you will be loved. The child develops a trauma of rejection, and they decide to be completely unnoticed, so as not to be rejected, so as not to feel pain.
- Excessive attention. For example, a child studies well, they are constantly held up as an example at school, appointed class monitor, put in charge of certain events, tasks, put forward for competitions, olympiads. An overload from such attention sets in, the child wants to be a child, to be free, and they develop a desire to be invisible.
- Psychological, physical violence.
And so the vow appears: “I don’t want to be seen, because I don’t want to feel pain and shame, I want to be free (insert your own).”
Only the whole paradox is that the more you try to hide something (or in this case, hide yourself), the more it attracts attention, and you appear before people in not the best light, ending up in some ridiculous situations.
And you ask yourself: well, why me again? Why is everything fine with others, while I look ridiculous again?
The situation itself — the root cause is not so important. If you don’t remember it, it’s not necessary to dive into the past, searching for traumatic memories, to heal the trauma.
Below I will share some ways to remove this mask.
How the trauma of invisibility manifests in life
When such a mask is worn, a child initially feels safe. They aren’t seen, they aren’t called to the blackboard unnecessarily, bullies don’t pay attention to them, and so on.
But often the opposite happens.
You are, as if on purpose, called upon to speak at meetings when you aren’t ready, attention is drawn to you when you would least want it, you try to be invisible, but your behavior seems to work against you, you somehow start saying things you didn’t mean to, acting inappropriately.
Yet in the very things where you would like to be noticed, you are not seen, you are overlooked.
I remember in kindergarten at the holiday party, Father Frost was handing out gifts, and he skipped me.
Later, it often happened that I didn’t get something, and it was terribly hurtful.
When my relatives and their children went to the toy store for gifts, they bought for everyone, but somehow forgot about me.
When I raised my hand, but the teacher didn’t see me. In adult life, it’s the same: sometimes a waiter doesn’t see me or hear me, walks right past me, a salesperson serves others even though I’m first in line.
It goes further: when you want to open up, express yourself, show your talents to the world, it’s as if you aren’t noticed. As if what you do isn’t needed by anyone.
A good example of how the invisibility trauma manifests in life is the film «The Invisible Girl», in which a girl suddenly stops being noticed, first by her loved ones, and then by everyone else. And she turns into a kind of living ghost that no one sees.
See also Give to Receive – The First Basic Principle of Transformation
Learn how to give, what to give, and how to let go of what needs to be given, for the sake of the new things you want to attract into your life.
The role of the invisible mask, how it limits you
Any mask is a kind of protection, protection from the outside world. After a trauma occurs, defensive behavior develops.
The Invisible Person, for example, doesn’t like being the center of attention and does everything to avoid it. They avoid communication, new people, and groups, because there you have to talk about yourself. In such places, they behave stiffly and are taciturn.
They are always in the shadows. Often, this person has a friend who is the life of the party. It happens that this friend speaks their thoughts, tells their jokes, and expresses their ideas. For someone wearing the Invisible mask, it’s easier to hand over the initiative to someone else than to speak up or make a decision themselves.
The mask allows them to stay in their own little world; from the outside, the person seems aloof, sometimes arrogant or uninteresting, thereby pushing people away. This is unconscious behavior. Another part of them wants to be recognized, wants to be the center of conversation, to live life to the fullest.
But the mask, which creates protection, simultaneously severely limits a person’s life, makes their behavior unnatural, and deprives them of the right to pleasure.
Many people are okay with this state of affairs and live their whole lives this way. But others want more; discomfort grows inside them, and at some point, the mask stops helping. They want to change everything, to open up to the world, to be noticed and seen.
Here, some fall into another trap: “I’m not noticed, others have everything, and I have nothing. I’m so wonderful, but I’m not appreciated, my merits aren’t seen.”
This is a victim state; this is a little child talking, not an adult.
So what to do? How to take off the mask and gain freedom, expand to receive all the blessings from the universe, to live life to the fullest?
Read below.
How to Take Off the Invisible Mask
1. Grow Up
The tendency to be invisible is partly childish behavior. Inside you sits a wounded child who asks for attention, wants to be noticed, loved, wants approval and praise.
So give them attention and care. Become an adult, love yourself. Don’t wait for it from outside.
Look at everything from a different angle: not “I’m not noticed, how could they,” but “I don’t notice people, I don’t notice their feelings, I don’t notice their desires, I don’t care about them, I’m only concerned with my own suffering.”
Look around and see those who surround you. Start with the dearest and closest people. What are they concerned about? What are they feeling?
Ask how you can help them. Maybe they need support, or just for someone to ask how they’re doing.
See also: How to Get Out of the Victim State
The tips in the article will help you stop expressing dissatisfaction and complaining, heal from the victim complex, and create a new harmonious reality for yourself.
2. Flip the Picture Around
In reality, it only seems to you that you are constantly not being noticed. You are simply focused on this, carefully collecting all the moments when you weren’t seen, weren’t noticed, were overlooked, or weren’t given something.
Learn to notice the opposite: a compliment, a smile, an unexpected gift, a loved one’s care. Collect all of this in your piggy bank, write it down, and thank life and the universe for every little thing.
After a week, a month, look at your list, and you will see that there are far more situations where you are noticed.
3. Reconnect with the Earth
Your invisibility may signify a loss of connection with the earth, with the material world.
When you restore this connection, you will cease to be invisible to those around you.
Pay attention to your body; it needs your care. Do physical exercises, work with the earth (gardening, repotting flowers).
This article describes 10 grounding techniques. Use any of them to restore your connection with the Earth.
4. Allow yourself to take off the invisibility mask
Your mask has served you for a long time. Perhaps it was your only way to live. There’s no need to blame yourself for choosing that behavior once, but you also don’t need to indulge it.
Now you know the truth. And you are no longer a child; you are an adult who can take responsibility, make decisions, and choose a new model of behavior.
Thank that part of yourself which created this mask and protective behavior for serving and fulfilling its function.
Let it go. At some point, you yourself invented an oath of invisibility, you made a kind of contract with that part of you that protected you. Cancel this contract.
You can do this in a meditative state, visualizing the contract and a large stamp on it that says “canceled.”
Or do the same thing on paper, burn this agreement, and scatter the ashes with gratitude.
Write down what will happen when you take off this mask. What is the worst that could happen? Take time for this.
And then write down the most wonderful thing that could happen, what you will now be able to allow yourself, how you will behave.
5. Take an action
Now, when you encounter the outside world, try to behave in a new way, the way you would truly like to.
This is difficult, because for so many years your behavior was different. Think about what action, reaction, or attitude of yours could become the trigger for change, a sign that you are freeing yourself from the trauma of invisibility.
This path to returning to yourself takes more than one day, but what matters is what you do right now, what matters is your current reaction.
One of my most memorable vivid actions was opening my mouth and asking Alena Starovoitova for permission to write an article for the Keys of Mastery website.
And to this day, I am grateful to myself for that act. Important changes require determination, and it is always growth.
What will you decide to do today? What action are you ready to take to step out of the shadows?
P.S. We invite you to the transformation seminar “Dance with the Shadow 3.0”, where you will meet your shadow aspects and become aware of suppressed unconscious urges and motives.
You will gain access to resources that will help you cope with “past traumas”, transform them, and integrate them into your present-day experience.
Follow the link to learn more >>