In the first part, we shared the goal of raising children and explained why it is important to have trust between you and your child.
In this part, you will receive recommendations on how to build such a relationship.
As mentioned in the previous part, the traditional goal of raising children was to raise convenient children, with behavior that would meet parental expectations.
In this article, you will not find such recommendations.
A healthy relationship with a teenage child involves respecting the law of your child’s free will and choice, accepting them as they are, providing support, and creating conditions in which they can comfortably develop and unlock their potential.
How to build a healthy relationship with a teenage child. 8 principles
1. Accept that children are different
Accept by default: your children are different.
The notorious generation gap is related to the fact that children are by definition different from the adults they come to.
The new children who are coming now are not just different – in a sense, they are children “from another planet.”
Every child comes with a unique vibration of love. Children come improved and tuned to the energies of the current moment.
Even twenty years of intense self-work do not guarantee that an adult can match the vibrations/consciousness of a newborn child.
To “grow a little” to the level of your child, it is necessary to heal trauma after trauma for years and tirelessly expand your consciousness.
An adult does not mean wise. Children are many times wiser in many aspects.
Adults often perceive children as naive souls who first need to be taught “how to live.”
In reality, children up to the age of 7 maintain a direct connection with their Higher aspects.
Today, the hormonal surge experienced by a teenager in most cases disables the activity of the pituitary gland and the pineal gland.
But humanity is moving toward a time when, during adolescence, the functioning of these glands will be preserved in a child.
Such children will be capable of showing the world much of what is currently perceived as “miracles.”
See also Should you worry about the future of children. The role and influence of the new generation on current reality
2. Treat your child as an adult
From birth, look at your child as an adult.
Regardless of their age, test yourself each time: would you act toward a stranger the way you act toward your child.
Most parents cannot answer this question affirmatively. The reason for this is the desire to fit their child into social norms.
Parents persistently continue to squeeze children into social frameworks — they are driven by their own unprocessed traumas.
3. Respect the child’s personal boundaries
A mature person knows their own boundaries and knows how to set them. They are able to independently determine what they want to do and what they do not want to do.
Often, the ability to establish one’s own boundaries is perceived by others as a manifestation of ill will.
Matrix 3-D thinking calls a person benevolent who agrees with everything they are told.
Children have personal boundaries built in by default.
Starting from the age of two, children may violate your boundaries and demand their own way, but you will not be able to force them to do what they do not like.
At best, you can negotiate with the child, but not force them.
Representatives of the older generation are only learning to set boundaries, while each time in a situation involving “boundaries,” they doubt their rightness or feel guilty.
See also: Personal Boundaries – How Not to Lose Yourself
We offer a simple algorithm for defining and protecting your personal boundaries.
4. Earn the child’s trust and respect
New children do not recognize authorities – just because someone “appointed such authorities.” For example, children reject the notion that “an adult must be respected.”
If you want a child to respect/listen to you, you must first earn their authority, that is, their trust. Until this happens, you do not pass the “friend or foe” test.
The older generation, on the contrary, values hierarchy by default.
If you live according to the principles you preach to your children, you will become a role model for them.
An empty declaration of “how it should be” does not replace real life. For a child to hear you and believe you, you must live that way yourself. Act as you speak.
Live daily as you proclaim. Only in this way will you demonstrate to the child that there is no gap between your words and your life.
Love is not a built-in default parameter. Parents may not love their children. Children may not love their parents. This must be accepted by default.
Just as you must accept responsibility for the fact that through your own actions, you may have contributed to your child not loving or respecting you.
If you want to maintain a relationship with your teenage child, you need to talk to them – including about what worries you as a parent.
For example, you accidentally found out that your teenage child smokes. Talk to them about how this worries you, because you wish them health and well-being.
At the same time, let the child understand that you respect their decision, their choice. This way, you motivate the child to openly discuss all their choices with you.
Openness and safety in communication are the foundation of a trusting relationship.
Accepting another person’s choice does not mean that you completely agree with that choice.
See also Spiritual practices as a way of life, or How to follow life principles
5. Do not force children into the framework of your traumas
Stop forcing children into your traumas.
Instead, learn from them (for example, how to react correctly in a certain situation, how to express yourself freely).
A child cannot help doing what they like, what they want. At the same time, children refuse to do what they do not like. This is the fundamental difference between children and adults.
Ask yourself, do you (as an adult) only do what you like, without forcing or compelling yourself, for example:
- going to a job you dislike;
- listening to people you do not respect;
- communicating with relatives you cannot stand, etc.
As a “responsible” adult, do you allow yourself the freedom to be yourself and live the way you want?
Your child does.
A child freely expresses themselves and their desires because they do not carry the traumas that their parent has. If the parent understands this, they are able to protect the child from experiencing similar traumas.
The frameworks of your traumas limit you and make you unhappy. So why do you try to force your children into frameworks that do not even serve you?
New energies call you to shift your consciousness from a bipolar world (struggle, opposition) to unity (a single general line of love, creation, well-being, harmony).
Align every choice you make with this single general line. In any situation, learn to see both sides of the same coin and unite them.
Support has nothing to do with “do it the way I want.”
A child must sense, feel your support.
To start, ask the child themselves for their opinion – how your support would feel to them.
See also How to morally support a person in a difficult situation
6. Expand your worldview as a parent and as a person
You cannot accept or reject within yourself what you do not know about. First, you need to learn about it.
To do this, you must constantly expand your worldview – learn new things (read, explore, study).
In the age of the internet and social networks, you are literally swimming in a sea of accessible information that serves to expand your consciousness.
Now you can easily find information from specialized professionals, including experts in the field of parenting.
The current, older generation of parents frankly does not understand what it means to take the child’s position (protect them, advocate for their interests, talk to them, negotiate).
These parents grew up in a completely different environment. As children, they had no experience of support from their own parents.
For this reason, it is difficult for such parents to convey to their children what they themselves lack.
The only way in this case is to broaden your horizons and exchange experiences with others.
Be selective in choosing information and your social circle. Draw from “sources” that lead you to a new level of consciousness.
Learn to learn. Love to learn. Learn every day.
Some people who did not like to learn as children begin to learn with interest and enthusiasm when they become adults.
If you have a goal, one way or another, you are forced to gather the necessary information “for the goal” and learn in order to realize your dream.
See also How to go beyond the limitations of the mind
7. Do not force children to learn
As a rule, children do not like to learn when adults force them or prod them to do so.
Until now, the educational system has not taught children how to learn. Instead, children are taught to cram and get grades.
There are children who, from an early age, firmly know what they want to be. They are focused on their choice and move step by step toward it.
These children are relatively aligned with the education system. But most children are not like that.
If your child is passionate about something (for example, spending time on the computer, social networks), channel their passion in a constructive direction.
See also Modern children and social adaptation
The article proposes three models for the development of new children
8. Adhere to rules and agreements
From the very beginning, you and your child establish certain rules.
By adolescence, these rules have time to become entrenched and “internalized” within the child.
Rules can cover a wide variety of agreements — from the amount of screen time on a phone to the time to return home from a party.
To understand where to go in parenting, you need to gather the necessary information.
You cannot rely on treating your children the way your parents did or the way your acquaintances do.
In a typical environment, there are usually no great “Makarenkos,” “Sukhomlinskys,” or “Montessoris.”
In matters of upbringing, modern parents are left alone with themselves.
Whether they get answers to their questions depends solely on their personal initiative and willingness to broaden their horizons.
Write in the comments what of this was new to you, what you will apply in your relationship with your teenage child, and what you are already applying?
The article is based on a live broadcast within the rubric #разговор_на_диване “About Teenagers”