It is normal to respect elderly people and to help parents financially. But as with many topics, there are also imbalances in our society regarding this issue.
There are situations where elderly parents manipulate their adult children, and those children cannot say “no” in time because they believe they must help, even though they themselves are barely making ends meet.
The reverse situation is also common, where grown children never leave the parental nest and live off their elderly parents’ resources.
We will discuss this and much more in the article. You will understand how to find the golden mean in the financial aspect concerning you and your parents, how to learn to negotiate “from the start,” and when it is necessary to gain independence.
Why the tradition of transferring capital from parents to children is absent in the post-Soviet space
In the post-Soviet space, for the last three generations, parents have NOT been passing their capital to their children.
This historical tradition was interrupted from the time of the Great October Revolution, when the majority of people lost their capital (as a result of nationalization, dispossession of kulaks, etc.).
The following generation experienced the Holodomor and the Great Patriotic War. The next generation (the parents of those who are now over 30-50 years old) lost practically everything again during the default of the 1990s.
Real estate is not capital. Money that is simply stored somewhere is not considered capital. Capital is invested money that generates income.
On the territory of the former Russian Empire, after the October Revolution, investing as a phenomenon ceased to exist.
At the end of the 19th and beginning of the 20th century, wealthy people who could pass something on to their children made up a small percentage of the total population.
In those times, peasant families had 15-20 children, half of whom died. Adults counted on surviving children as basic labor.
There could be no talk of transferring capital to children. It was a “survival existence.”
In some modern countries, the same demographic principle persists. Parents have nothing to pass on to their children, and they themselves rely on their children as capital that can guarantee their support in old age.
In pre-revolutionary Russia, women were dependent on men and had no right to vote. Wealthy women, among others, were dependent on their husbands.
The tradition of that time involved collecting a dowry for the bride. A woman’s attractiveness for marriage directly depended on the size of her dowry. This dowry was transferred to the management of the man (husband).
See also: Why is there no money? The vow of poverty and other spiritual causes of financial problems
Why the older generation tends to save and put aside for a “rainy day”
Older people who have experienced at least two defaults and lost all their savings naturally prefer saving and putting aside for a “rainy day” when it comes to money matters.
The tendency to save is observed in the children and even grandchildren of these people.
Learn to accept people as they are. If a person intrudes into your space and disrupts the course of your life, you figure out why this is happening. But if a person does not violate your boundaries, you have even less reason to blame them.
The lives of older generations were spent in survival mode (Holodomor, war, economic crises, etc.). Naturally, parents of that era tried to pass on their developed survival mechanisms to their children.
If your older relatives are transmitting a survival mechanism to you, the choice is yours what to do with it – whether to adopt it or not. But you are fully capable of understanding why your older relatives have such an attitude towards money.
“Peace of Life Fund”
In the new energies, you do not save for a “rainy day.” You create a “safety cushion” – for unexpected expenses.
In matters of money for yourself, you define your own paradigm, which is clear and acceptable to you. This is your paradigm. It is formed based on your meanings, your motives.
For a person whose life was spent in survival mode, the motive for saving money might be “for a funeral, a coffin, and a wreath.” Your motive for creating a “safety cushion” might be “for a spare tire for the car during an extreme trip.”
If you don’t like the name “safety cushion,” create your own “peace of life fund”.
See also: How to switch from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset
How to help parents with money without compromising yourself
Help from a place of fullness and by choice
You help only from surplus, from a place of fullness.
If, due to various circumstances, you cannot do this right now (you are not in a resourceful state, barely making ends meet, etc.), you are not obligated to take crumbs from yourself to give to someone, including parents or adult children.
Parents come in different types. There are those who are used to living well or getting things easily, who take advantage of this, even extort.
Watch out for a possible role reversal, where you imperceptibly become a parent to your own parents, and they become your children.
You share with another person from a state of abundance/fulness — you share because you HAVE it. Moreover, you share with another because you yourself have the DESIRE and urge to do so.
See also: Who and when you can help. Motives and principles of helping others from a spiritual perspective
Agree on your own “rules of help”
When you share, you clearly define the rules of this “game”.
Unfortunately, people often do not know how to negotiate or adhere to established agreements (they look for loopholes).
A common situation: you come into some money and want to help (an adult child, an ex-wife, a parent, etc.). After a while, you come into money again and help again.
The third time — the person you helped — already considers you obligated to help them. They have gotten used to including this money in their comfort zone and expect it as their due.
As a result, you, who initially felt a noble impulse to help, now feel “obligated.” And if you choose not to help anymore, instead of gratitude, you receive complaints and insults directed at you.
Return to the agreements. State it literally out loud: “This month I have the opportunity to help, so I am helping. But this does not mean I will continue to help in the future.”
Learn to negotiate not only with strangers but, first and foremost, with those close to you.
See also Family, money, relationships. What rules to follow when building relationships with loved ones regarding money
Give your parents proof that you have succeeded as they wanted
Parents have their own understanding of what a successful person is. Your ideas of success and your parents’ ideas may differ.
Demonstrate your success to your parents from the perspective that is important and acceptable to them.
As a rule, it is important for parents that their child is financially successful, can afford leisure trips, has normal family relationships, and healthy children.
Show your parents what is necessary and important to them, leave the rest behind the scenes. In this case, your parents will be calm and satisfied.
If parents believe that your success means eight-figure numbers in your bank account, that is their right. In such a case, you could spend your entire life trying to prove your success to your parents.
The choice is yours. Every coin has two sides, and even more. Seek balance.
Independence and help from parents
If you declare your independence and want your parents not to interfere in your life, you will have to refuse help from your parents.
If you are an independent, successful person, you do not need financial help from your parents.
If you want to become a financially independent person, you will take actions in that direction yourself, even if your parents are millionaires.
You build your own life. You are not a child waiting for handouts from your parents.
If you deny yourself independence, you give your loved ones the right to interfere in your life and dictate their terms to you.
Independence, among other things, implies living separately from your parents. Don’t you want to become the master of your own home, even if it is a rental property?
See also Relationships with parents from a spiritual perspective. Acceptance as the foundation of relationships
Financial independence from parents
Among the audience of “Keys” there are no young people under 18 who can afford to be physically and financially dependent on their parents. If you are over 18 and dependent on your parents, it is beneficial for you.
The only way out is to become an adult, including financially. There are no other options.
The issue of living space (cohabitation on shared territory) is a separate matter. You can live in the same space but still be financially independent.
You can live with your parents, but at the same time you independently provide for your own food, pay your share of utility bills, etc. This is an adult position.
When grown children continue to live with their parents, the issue of their domestic and financial separation arises. For separation to be successful, it is important for parents to discard all limiting beliefs and behavioral patterns.
If you “have to” help your parents with money
“Having to” help mom/dad is not part of an adult’s vocabulary. You help your parents when you have the opportunity and desire to do so.
Your parents raised you and invested in you. At a certain point, it becomes your turn to give something back – out of gratitude. Gratitude and “having to help” are incompatible concepts.
If you use the word “have to,” think about why you perceive helping your parents that way. Perhaps you believe you owe them nothing?
Write in the comments: have you found your solution on how to properly help parents with money?
The article is based on a broadcast from the #разговор_на_диване (Couch Talk) section titled “Helping Parents.”