In this article, we have compiled answers to questions from participants of spontaneous live streams from the #разговор_на_диване section on the topic of “family relationships and money.” Participants asked questions concerning the financial side of relationships with husbands and adult children.
Read about whether you should financially support grown sons, whether a woman should help male relatives with money, what to do if your ex-husband does not pay child support, and more.
Family relationships and money. What you need to know when building a relationship with your husband regarding finances
Joint budget with your husband
Each person builds their life based on past traumatic experiences.
Some women, based on the experience of their parental family, understand from childhood that it is important to be financially independent themselves.
Without education, a profession, or financial independence, having children and depending on their husband, women often doom themselves to complete helplessness, the roots of which must be sought within themselves.
In marriage, the option of separate budgets for partners works well. But this option is possible when the family has money in principle.
If your family is in survival mode, then the option of a joint budget is inevitable. To figure out what works best for you, consult financial advisors.
See also: Why self-sufficient men and women need relationships. The family budget of two accomplished people
Husband earns little
A man (husband) is not obligated to earn a lot. There are no laws or tools that can force him to do so.
“A man must” – these are remnants of an old paradigm. It doesn’t work anymore.
Whatever you can agree upon with your partner will determine how your shared contribution to the joint budget is distributed.
If you believe a man must support and provide for the family, you are looking for such a man for yourself.
In any case, you must realize what you yourself can offer in return to such a man, what you can give him, how well you match him (why would he need you as you are?).
Partners (husband and wife) are two communicating vessels.
See also: Why is there no money? The vow of poverty and other spiritual causes of financial problems
How to inspire a husband to earn money
If an adult man readily resorts to financial help from his parents, he risks depriving his own family of an inflow of money.
A man must have his own financial “wants” that will stimulate him to earn money.
A woman attracts money from her state of being.
A man – to attract money – must have a financial goal he desires and is willing to invest in.
For example, a man wants a new car. At the same time, according to his beliefs, he is categorically against loans. The man will make every effort, will look for all possible financial options (earning, favorable installment plans, etc.) to get his luxurious car.
A disservice from parents in the form of financial help deprives (adult) sons of motivation and desire to act.
If a man lives on his son-in-law’s money
If your (adult) man lives on money from relatives, ask yourself why you need such a man. The issue is not about your man. The issue is about you.
Don’t shift the responsibility onto others’ shoulders.
You are the one who found such a man and live with him. You are in a relationship with a dependent, immature man because you yourself are a dependent, immature woman.
If you are an adult and independent woman, seek adult (mature) relationships.
If a wealthy man does not want to invest financially, even in gifts
A man, even a wealthy one, is not obligated to invest money in a woman.
The older you are and the older you are when entering a relationship, the more actively the issue of money becomes a matter of agreements between you and your partner.
You and your partner may have separate budgets, without reporting to each other on how each of you spends personal money.
But you agree on how you distribute common family expenses.
See also For those who dream of living off their husband
“He left me with nothing”
When entering a relationship, being in one, or leaving a relationship, it is important to understand the legal and financial side of the partnership in advance.
You can always find the necessary information, contacts of specialized specialists on Instagram and other internet sources, for example, Tinkoff Journal, or directly seek a consultation with a specialist.
This is your life, and only you can take care of yourself in advance by arming yourself with the necessary knowledge.
It is important to be a self-sufficient and (financially) independent woman yourself.
If you believe your former partner owes you something, this is a reason to look within yourself and understand what motives are driving you. It is important to figure out why this bothers you, why you react in this way.
See also 7 reasons why women do not want to ask men for help
What to do if the husband you divorced does not want to pay child support
Finding yourself in a situation of divorce and the father not paying child support, distinguish between the legal and the “internal” aspects.
From a legal standpoint, you take all necessary steps to resolve the situation.
From an “internal” standpoint, you start with acceptance (of the situation).
As a mother, it is important for you that your child grows up to be a well-rounded, whole personality.
For this, the child needs to know and feel/sense that you have a normal relationship with his father (meaning you have no claims against the child’s father).
Dad, among other things, influences the child’s future relationship with money.
Having accepted the situation internally and let it go, you take external, legally justified steps.
Inside you, there is a normal, balanced state; you understand that you are within your rights, and you exercise your right on the external plane, starting from this inner equilibrium.
Take the meditation “Gratitude to Men” to thank ALL THE MEN who have been present in your life. For the joys and sufferings, for the victories and defeats that they caused and gave us.
On financial assistance to adult children and male relatives
How to “Make” Your Son Start Earning Money
When a son turns 18, his connection with his mother ends.
The sooner a mother understands and accepts the fact that her caregiving duties are over, the better it is for her son.
Allow your son to experience his own mistakes and become independent.
You must internally decide that you will no longer help your adult son.
If you support an adult son, the issue lies with you, not with your son.
Should You Financially Help Grown Children
It is not advisable to financially help adult children, especially sons.
When you simply give money to an adult, grown person (including your own child), you deprive them of the motivation to do anything to generate that money.
To move forward on their own initiative, such a person must have a sufficiently high level of self-awareness, self-discipline, and motivation.
Most people unconsciously plunge themselves into the abyss, ending up penniless, which motivates them to start moving. Only when they find themselves in a complete mess does the average person start to get moving.
This is how transformation begins. A person ignores other (gentler) signals and can only wake up when they are at the edge.
It is important to separate from adult children. By delaying this moment (starting at age 18), you are doing your children a disservice.
Discuss the need for separation with your child out loud.
If you silently expect the child to start taking care of themselves or even help you, you will only multiply mutual grievances.
Learn to negotiate with each other.
Read also: Cutting Etheric Threads: How to Break Unnecessary Connections with People
Should a Woman Provide Financial Help to Male Relatives
Women should not provide financial help to men. It is a man’s task and function to support and provide for a woman (a father’s task is to help his daughter; a brother’s task is to help his sister, regardless of age difference).
If you are a financially well-off woman and you have a desire to help your relatives, that is your choice.
If you see that your financial help is being misused, you can provide support in another way. For example, instead of money, help with things or groceries.
You are not obligated to financially support your relatives. If you can do it and want to, it is your right. But if you cannot and do not want to, do not do it through force.
With some people, you need to allow yourself to “be a bitch.” Even with parents and adult children.
To accept this idea, you must be free from constraints like “what will the neighbors think, what will the relatives say.”
Look at a relative as if they were a stranger. Would you allow a stranger to behave towards you that way? Would you feel obligated to provide them with help?
The status of an inner circle member does not give relatives the right to demand anything from you and does not obligate you to anything.
When you hesitate (whether to help relatives financially or not), use the “stranger” game as a hint.
In this situation, would you give money to a stranger?
If yes (yes, I can help right now/yes, I want to), do it.
If no (I feel like I am being extorted/I will give because it is my brother), do not do it.
Learn to say no.
Remember: you can always make a different choice.
Financial blackmail is a common phenomenon in families. The person who financially supports another begins to dictate terms to them. This is how the manipulation program works, which can be “passed down” through family lines.
The “victim” attracts such manipulators through their own unresolved issues. A manipulator may behave completely differently towards strangers. But to the “victim” from their inner circle, they impose their own conditions.
How to take a promissory note from relatives and friends when lending them money
Many of you find it difficult to “step over yourself” and start applying the same approaches to loved ones that you use when dealing with strangers.
Train yourself to take promissory notes from relatives and friends when you lend them money.
If these are large sums, draw up notarized documents.
There is nothing shameful about this. It is a natural practice throughout the civilized world.