Many problems in relationships begin with boundary violations.
And pointing fingers at the other person is useless here:
- It is YOU who did not define the boundaries of your personal space.
- It is YOU who allows others to invade it without consequences.
- It is YOU who does not see the roots of the problem.
In this article, I offer you a simple algorithm for defining and protecting your personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries, or more precisely, the boundaries of personal space, usually exist for every person, but not everyone has explored them. Moreover, they are not static and are constantly changing.
If you feel comfortable in a given situation, then everything is fine with your boundaries. If not, you need to honestly and openly declare their existence by saying a firm “STOP!”
A personal boundary is a clearly defined dividing line between you and the people around you, beyond which you will not let anyone under any circumstances. Behind it lies something intimate and inaccessible to anyone else — your personal space.
What is personal space
Personal space is that set of deeply intimate principles, morals, and rules that you have chosen for yourself and consider the norm of your existence.
When no one violates or pressures you to violate these foundations, you feel balanced.
Otherwise, discomfort is guaranteed.
Personal boundaries are roughly violated when:
- you always go to bed at 11:00 PM (otherwise a headache is guaranteed tomorrow), but your husband decides to watch an interesting movie with you after 10:00 PM that is 2 hours long;
- after 6:00 PM you do not answer calls related to work or business, but your boss calls and asks you to provide urgent data or consult on some issue;
- you always go to the swimming pool (fitness center) on Sundays, but your granddaughter (nephew, puppy…) is brought to you without warning;
- you cannot stand profanity, but your guests speak in no other way;
- you are engaged in spiritual and personal growth, but your husband forbids it, your children criticize it…
Before getting offended that your boundaries are being violated, you need to define these boundaries for yourself and start declaring their existence to others.
But to build clear boundaries, you need to know the entire territory they run through!
See also: Why it is so hard to learn to value yourself
Learn how to cultivate an inner sense of your own worth so you can radiate it in every action, thought, deed, and in any situation.
How to define personal boundaries
To establish personal boundaries, you can use two methods:
Method #1. Individual rules
Sit down and write out all of “your rules” by which you live with yourself.
These will likely include biblical ones: do not kill, do not steal…
As well as other norms you have set for yourself, by following which you feel confident, happy, well, just the way you should be!
Rules are written according to the principle:
What you do and what you don’t do. What applies to you personally, and what doesn’t!
Your rules might look like this:
- I work strictly from 9:00 AM to 6:00 PM; evening time is only for family, home, and myself.
- On Saturdays, I take care of household chores and family; not a word about work.
- On Sundays, it’s only rest: active, passive, recreational, creative. NO social media or computer.
- I don’t answer any calls after 8:00 PM, and I don’t call anyone myself either.
- If I don’t have time for a phone conversation (chatting, discussing topics), I immediately tell the caller and reschedule the talk.
- If I’m the one calling, I first ask if the other person has time to talk.
- I don’t let in guests who show up unannounced (or I tell them they need to warn me in advance next time), and I don’t go anywhere myself without agreeing on a date and time.
- I don’t do my children’s homework or my husband’s coursework for them.
- I don’t help without being asked, except in emergencies when a person can’t ask for help.
- I only talk about topics that interest me (no politics, personal discussions, or criticism)…
Each of you will have your own rules. And they constantly change as you grow.
See also: Why it’s important to maintain personal space in relationships. Dependent vs. healthy relationship models
Method #2: From Discomfort
This method works in reverse:
From serious discomfort to building a boundary!
When, while communicating with a certain person, you experience some kind of discomfort and start to realize something isn’t right here…
When, after heated speeches, requests, and complaints, you feel like a squeezed lemon, or your solar plexus is so twisted you can’t breathe, and you decide…
You say to yourself mentally:
“That’s enough! I’m not discussing these topics anymore, I’m not fulfilling requests, I’m not listening to complaints…!”
At that moment, your personal boundary begins to emerge—one you will no longer let this violator cross, and with them, no one else!
Of course, there will be plenty of people wanting to invade your personal space, and you need to stand firm, regardless of who they are (moms, dads, husbands, children, bosses…), otherwise that feeling of discomfort and energy drain will increase time and time again.
The Universe will stimulate you this way to “BUILD” your personal boundary.
See also: How to protect yourself from energy vampires and preserve your energy
How to withstand the pressure from loved ones
- If your mom keeps trying to meddle in your affairs, persistently giving you advice on how, what, and when to do in this or that situation…
Tell her that you can handle the situation yourself and that you know exactly how to do it.
- If a friend constantly complains about her bad life or wants to discuss unpleasant news…
State clearly: “Let’s talk about something positive” or “With me, it’s only about good things or nothing at all.”
- If your husband or children start manipulating you with phrases like “You don’t care about me (you don’t love me)!” when you’re tired or decided to give some attention to your beloved self…
See also How to stop adjusting to loved ones and achieve understanding
Your response: “Of course I love you, but right now I’m very tired and I need 15 (30) minutes to rest, and then I’m all yours…”
Recommendation:
Write down all the situations that throw you off balance, systematize them, and come up with your own stop-phrases for frequently recurring situations that are present in your life.
To avoid caving in next time, mentally rehearse the possible conversation (based on your analysis) several times in advance, write the stop-phrase on paper, or better yet, memorize it.
That way, it will be easier for you not to hesitate at the crucial moment.
And follow this algorithm every time you feel discomfort in communication!
In the end, you will get your own new set of personal rules.
For example, like this:
- I communicate with people only with those I feel comfortable and interested with, who uplift and fill me;
- I fulfill all requests only if I have free time from my own plans, the energy, and the desire, despite manipulations from loved ones, bosses, or other individuals;
- I am not a “dishwasher” — everyone can wash their own dishes after themselves, or follow the cleaning schedule created and approved by the family;
- I am a Woman, and I only carry heavy loads up to 3 kg; I allow Men to take care of me;
- I work only from 9:00 (10:00) to 18:00 (19:00) on weekdays; after that is my personal time;
- I do not allow anyone to interfere in my personal affairs, and I do not interfere in the affairs of others;
- I am a vegetarian, or on the contrary — I eat meat whenever I want, and I won’t let anyone pressure me with their arguments….
Once your boundaries are defined, all that remains is to follow your own rules and teach others to respect them.
It’s important to understand this
Personal boundaries exist not only for you, but also for the people interacting with you.
A boundary is a line that cannot be crossed, neither by your opponent nor by you directly.
Because beyond that very boundary lies their space, their territory, their rules.
They also don’t want to be called after 8:00 PM, have uninvited guests drop by, or be lectured on what to do…
This needs to be taken into account, right?!
To finally learn to respect both your own and others’ boundaries, it’s necessary to understand the reasons behind what’s happening:
What lies behind the urge to violate others’ boundaries and behind the permissiveness of encroachment on your own?
What feelings do you experience in these situations?
How to protect your personal boundaries
To protect your personal boundaries, I suggest a simple 3-step algorithm.
1. Feel when your boundaries are being violated
By allowing others to invade your personal space, you are thereby giving up your territory, pushing back (narrowing your boundaries), violating them, and “stepping on your own throat.”
Don’t suffocate!
Most often, it’s hardest for us to withstand the pressure of those close to us or our bosses.
As a rule, the moment you decide to focus on strictly personal matters—going to meet friends, visiting a salon, or just sitting in silence and meditating—a situation immediately arises that demands your full attention:
- Mom urgently needs you to come over because her blood pressure spiked, or
- Your child has a fever, or
- Your husband wants a snack, or
- Management suddenly needs you to stay late at work…
And if you are full of energy, in a good state of mind, and this causes no discomfort but only brings joy, then you can certainly give your attention to your loved ones and others.
But if a storm of emotions hits you, your energy is running low, and your body has reacted, then it’s time to put yourself first and say your piece:
“NO! Only after I…”
See also: I Have the Right to Say NO!
Congratulations! You just didn’t give YOUR power away to others!
Recommendation:
Note for yourself (by looking carefully and honestly inside yourself) what sensations you experienced in similar situations (fear, guilt, resentment…).
These emotions are worth working on. More on this a little further down in this article.
2. Find out when you violate others’ boundaries
Are you sure you don’t violate others’ boundaries?
Let’s check:
- How often, out of “the best intentions,” have you advised others to do this or that, because you know for sure it’s right, and even went on to prove you were right;
- How many times, when giving tasks to subordinates and seeing they couldn’t handle it, did you do it yourself (while you’re teaching them…);
- How many times have you cleaned up scattered toys in the kids’ room, even though the children should be doing it themselves (waiting for them takes forever);
- You work tirelessly, providing comfort for your husband on the couch;
- How often have you butted into an argument between neighbors, coworkers, your husband and kids…;
- Your child starts making something, but you urgently need to send them to the store (the crafting can wait);
- Mom is finally meeting with her girlfriends, and you convincingly ask her to babysit the kids.
Every time you act this way, you are VIOLATING (taking over) others’ territory, invading their personal space, and robbing them of their POWER!
It’s fitting to recall the biblical: “Do not take another’s portion upon yourself!”
And the worldly: “Learn to respect others’ boundaries, and no one will covet yours.”
See also: Expressing Individuality Through Boundaries
Recommendation: Remember what you feel when you violate others’ boundaries.
For example: importance, dissatisfaction, superiority… or the same old fear, guilt.
Ask yourself: Who are you putting first in this situation?
3. Determine what drives you
You have already determined what you experience when your personal space is invaded or when you enter someone else’s territory.
Now it’s time to identify what feelings guide you in this process:
Guilt or Shame
It’s quite possible that in early childhood, you were asked to do something, but you didn’t do it, got too caught up in play, forgot… and you felt very ashamed when your mom (or teacher) scolded and reproached you, and you blamed yourself for your mom being so upset, offended, and maybe even crying bitterly.
And now, every time you want to refuse a request but can’t, you experience these feelings again, afraid that mom (or a friend…) will get offended or upset, and it will once again be all your fault.
This feeling gnaws at you from the inside.
The Straight-A Student Complex
Or a hypertrophied sense of responsibility.
If someone asks me, then I must help. I always complete all tasks, and always perfectly. I am simply obligated to ease the burden of others, and I know exactly how to do it.
Since childhood, we were taught to do everything: “Better than everyone, faster than everyone, more than everyone.”
I cannot allow myself not to do what I am capable of doing, even if it is to my own detriment (though, in fact, without even realizing it is to my detriment).
All of this stems from childhood and requires healing, because saying “NO!” painlessly will not be possible without healing your inner child and past traumas.
Pride (an inflated ego)
I have walked my own path, I haven’t “stepped on the same rakes,” I have gained experience, I have read many books, and now I know everything, while you do not. Therefore, “Do as I say!”
You have gained wisdom only because no one interfered with your walking your own path, collecting its pearls, and accumulating your own power. Others also need to walk their own path for their own wisdom and power.
Show your wisdom! Observe from the sidelines; if they fall, support them!
And also, while maintaining your boundaries, don’t forget about mercy. At the moment when you have all the components for help (time, energy, resources…), provide it by responding to the plea of the one asking. Don’t sink into simple 3-D selfishness!
By working through all these feelings and getting rid of them once and for all, you will be able to set your boundaries more easily, and it will be no trouble for you to maintain them, both your own and those of others.
And remember, when you maintain boundaries, you preserve, and even accumulate, your own energy, and you allow others to claim theirs, because this whole process will take place without emotions, painlessly, and even joyfully!
And the ABSENCE OF ENCROACHMENTS on your personal space is not far off!
And how do you set and protect your boundaries?