Society takes the side of “good people” and condemns “evil envious people.”
In reality, people experiencing envy are suffering and in need of help and attention. “She has something I don’t have,” “I want that kind of job/wedding/figure too…” — living with the thought that you lack something important and valuable that others have is very difficult.
These are oppressive thoughts, thoughts that drain your energy for living, let alone living happily!
The feeling of being shortchanged, deprived, creates inner pain, anger, resentment, and all of this together we call envy.
If you feel envious yourself and want to overcome it, or if you want to understand what’s going on in the minds of those who envy you, read the article and use the healing power of understanding.
How to Recognize Envy in Yourself
Envy can hide behind anger, irritation, contempt, judgment, criticism, ignoring (deliberate indifference), and devaluation. Envy has a thousand masks.
When you look at a person who evokes any negative feelings or thoughts in you, ask yourself — are you actually envious of them?
Why exactly this way? Because there are only two main driving forces in a person: desire (attraction) and fear (aversion). And any negative emotions are a mask on the Face of Desire or a mask on the Face of Fear.
Here’s an example from one woman:
I was annoyed that my friend laughed loudly on public transport, in groups, and at work.
I thought: “How can she not be ashamed?! She’s not alone here! Why does she allow herself to be so unrestrained!”
I judged her, and from my point of view — justifiably, because I had a strong argument — “what she’s doing is indecent” (society agrees with me).
It took me time to realize what was hiding behind my (and society’s) dislike.
Her laughter attracted a lot of attention to her, both from women and men.
So the real reason for my irritation was that I envied her spontaneity, and even more so that people paid attention to her and not to me, because I couldn’t allow myself to be so bright, free, and natural.
Read how to use negative personality traits for your own benefit.
How to Identify the Cause of Envy
The cause of envy is an unfulfilled desire. It’s a simple formula. Whenever you feel envy, the reason is desire.
Follow these simple steps to identify your desire:
A) Imagine the person you envy. Write down on a piece of paper: “I envy my colleague/boss/neighbor because…”
B) “Because…” — then write down what they have? It could be a thing, an event, personal qualities, a lifestyle, talents, or attitude.
Here are examples from some women and men:
- I envy my friend because she got married (event).
- I envy my colleague because he is more self-confident (personal quality).
- I envy my father because he has money (thing).
- I envy my aunt because she moved to America, works a few days a week, dresses well, and travels a lot (lifestyle).
- I envy my neighbor because she bakes deliciously (talents), and everyone in the building only says good things about her (attitude).
- I envy my friend because she can freely express herself (personal quality).
C) Write down your desire:
- I want to get married.
- I want to be confident in myself.
- I want to have disposable income.
- I want to move to America, work less, travel more, and dress well.
- I want the neighbors to talk about me, I want to be admired.
- I want to express myself freely.
How to transform the energy of envy
Any feeling or phenomenon in our world is dual. This means that any feeling or phenomenon is split into polarities + and -.
And if something comes with a minus sign, it is within your power to draw another line to get a plus.
That is, to shift the feeling or phenomenon into a positive polarity, one that endows you with energy and strength (rather than depriving you of them).
The qualities, events, and things that trigger envy (destructive energy) come from a feeling of admiration (creative energy).
But due to incorrect processing by the thought process, they turn into a minus. Remember: what triggers envy in you actually inspires your admiration!
By recognizing your desire, it will be easier for you to discover admiration within yourself. Admiration will help you cope with envy.
By transforming envy into admiration, you fill yourself with creative magnetic energy, which will attract what you desire into your field.
The next time you feel envy, replace the words “I envy” with the words “I admire”:
- I admire my friend’s wedding.
- I admire my colleague’s confidence.
- I admire my father’s financial freedom.
- I admire my aunt’s lifestyle.
- I admire my neighbor’s sociability.
- I admire my friend’s spontaneity.
Admiration for any talent or quality of another person is a clear sign that a similar gift, trait, or ability exists within you.
You can reclaim and unlock it at the intensive transformation seminar “Dance with the Shadow 3.0”.
Find out more!
How to avoid the trap of envy
The trap of envy lies in the fact that on the energy of admiration, you can rush toward something you don’t actually need.
All feelings and emotions are very contagious. Especially the state of happiness, joy, and fulfillment.
When you see a content person, you almost instantly begin to desire experiencing a similar state and almost automatically rush toward what that person has or does, falling into the illusion that this thing or event is the source of their state.
Admiration (envy) is a subtle tool.
If you look at the root, the people you usually admire have one common trait – they are in a state of pleasure/happiness/joy. And it may seem that you want:
- to do what they do,
- to have what they have,
- to be who they are,
- to live the way they live.
But in reality – you want to be happy, joyful, and satisfied just as they are happy, joyful, and satisfied.
In truth, admiration (envy) is a tool of life that leads you to a state of enjoying life.
The real reason for envy is the desire to experience a state of absolute satisfaction.
The object of any envy (at its deepest core) is a state.
You will never envy a person who is in sorrow, despair, experiencing anger, jealousy, or heartache, no matter what they own or do.
The next time you feel envy, remember this and ask yourself: What am I actually envious of right now? What am I truly admiring right now? What do I really want and desire right now?
Check your desires for authenticity. Three signs can help with this.
Let’s look at what happens to those who fall into the trap and chase after events, things, talents, or relationships.
An example of a girl:
My two sisters are very rich; they married well and had luxurious weddings on the ocean shore. I was terribly envious of them.
We didn’t have that kind of money, but I wanted a wedding just like theirs because they looked so happy! We went into debt, my boyfriend worked several jobs, and we scraped together the needed amount.
It was the worst day of my life! The effort we put in didn’t justify the feelings, because we simply couldn’t be happy, knowing we’d be paying off debts for years.
And my boyfriend was exhausted; he didn’t want this wedding at all – he just wanted to live with me long and happily, and for him, the wedding was a puppet show. It was all for me, and it brought me no pleasure.
Another example:
I have a friend who loves going to restaurants. I like her, and everyone around loves and admires her.
I wanted to be admired and loved too, so I went to restaurants with her for company. I was terribly bored; I felt out of my element.
I would have rather gone cycling or played volleyball.
But I thought, “What would Oksana say? She would definitely choose the restaurant. She’ll look beautiful and get tons of attention, while I’ll be riding my bike alone.”
So I went to the restaurant. In the end, Oksana was happy, but I wasn’t.
The two sisters of the first girl and the friend of the second girl – they followed their true desires and needs, and as a result, pleasure awaited them.
But our heroines followed false desires (not their own), and as a result, disappointment awaited them.
It’s important to understand that you admire a state of joy, and to find the things that bring you that state! Then the traps won’t scare you.
How to Cope with Envy
The good news is that the feeling of envy only arises at a certain stage of human consciousness development.
The deeper a person knows themselves, the less often this unpleasant feeling visits them. Ultimately, it disappears entirely.
In a state where you have come to know yourself and are happy, joyful, and calm, it becomes impossible to feel envy.
But while this feeling appears, use it for your own growth and develop wisdom and understanding with its help.
When you discover a desire (the feeling that you are drawn to something that you think will bring you a state of happiness), test the desire for its truth.
The parameter is simple — does it bring you joy? For example, your neighbor plays the guitar. And the neighbor across the way bakes delicious pies. And the neighbor from the next entrance is a flight attendant.
You will see how much pleasure they take in their activities. And you can start playing the guitar, baking pies, and get a job as a flight attendant.
Then, as a result, you will discover either joy or boredom and disappointment.
Perhaps you will enjoy baking pies and completely dislike playing the guitar. Keep what brings you joy. In the end, there are only two ways to deal with your desire:
- fulfill it (joy and fulfillment or disappointment and emptiness),
- let it go (peace, if the desire wasn’t yours; dissatisfaction, if the desire continues to live deep in your soul).
How to stop living by other people’s standards and start living your own life? The answer is in this article.
Imitation is normal. By imitating the actions and emotions of other people, we find what resonates with us and incorporate it into our lives. And what doesn’t resonate with us, we exclude from our lives.
If the desire is too large, but you feel that your happiness lies in its fulfillment (for example, becoming a flight attendant), ask yourself a few questions:
- Why do I want this?
- What will I have to do to fulfill this desire?
- What will I have to give up to fulfill this desire?
- Am I ready to give that up and make such an effort to experience joy?
- Do I realize that this might not bring me joy, and I will face disappointment?
- Am I ready to give up what I have now and make such an effort to experience disappointment and understand that I didn’t need this?
- What will I do if this doesn’t bring me joy?
By asking yourself these questions, you will prepare yourself for different outcomes of your decision.
However, the most important thing to remember is that the state of happiness is contained within you — it is a natural state of consciousness.
A child is happy simply from existing, and only later does it learn to want, and along with that, to experience dissatisfaction about what it doesn’t have. But more on that another time.
For now, it’s enough to remember: whatever you do, have, or feel — it is temporary — the joy from external things, sensations, and emotions is impermanent.
True joy is always here and is connected to nothing — your being always rejoices in the fact of existence, in the fact that it IS, ALIVE.