In a society where the majority does not understand the true meaning of love, unconditional love, the very concept is perceived in a distorted, one-sided way.
In the traditional understanding, love goes hand-in-hand with suffering, jealousy, dependency, and self-sacrifice.
The true meaning of love is a gift and freedom that are available to everyone.
I will share how I came to this realization in this article.
If you do not know or cannot switch from a state of constant lack of love and approval to the awareness that love is your gift, this information will help you.
From the pursuit of love to uncovering the source of love within yourself
Since childhood, I felt like an unloved child, even though my parents and relatives loved me. But I was constantly in a state of lacking love, constantly striving to earn it, to be good for my parents, and later for teachers, acquaintances, employers, and so on.
Like many other children, I was raised in the spirit of: be a good girl, obedient, don’t cause problems, study well, and then we will be favorable to you.
Otherwise, they would turn the other way and not show their love. This does not mean, of course, that my parents stopped loving me in moments when I did something they did not like — I understand this now, but back then it was painful for me.
It was precisely in those moments that I lacked this love and support.
We make the most mistakes when we are children, because we learn, try, and then observe what our actions lead to. This is how growth happens, this is how we gain experience.
And if we have understanding family members nearby who can encourage us and make us understand that everything is okay, then we grow up confident.
This did not happen with me. And I grew up to be the kind of person Alena talks about — with a “hole in the heart.”
In relationships with men, I always tried to be perfect so that I would be loved. But they left me, and I sincerely did not understand why.
I always worked on my mistakes, analyzing: maybe I was not attentive enough, caring enough, maybe I was boring or clingy, or somehow not right.
But I was looking from the wrong angle or in the wrong place.
Not WHAT to do to be loved, but to love myself and unlock this gift of love within myself.
Go through a meditation that will help you attune to your “I am Love in Action,” where your thoughts, emotions, words, and actions are love in action.
One day, relationships reached a point where I finally understood the absurdity of my behavior.
I realized that you can do a lot of things, but it is impossible to be perfect not only for everyone, but even for one person.
And at that moment, I put myself ahead of everyone else, stopped making meaningless sacrifices, chose myself, my health, and my inner state.
Within six months of this decision, I healed emotionally and subsequently physically. The diagnosis that doctors had given me was not confirmed — the heart disease simply vanished as if by magic.
I realized that all those men who left me, the parents who criticized my actions, were simply fulfilling their contracts, made by our souls before birth.
And they perfectly played their roles, showing me what I needed to see and learn. That love is WITHIN ME, not somewhere else, and it does not need to be earned.
All this time, I was acting and thinking from a position of lack of love, while the very source and reservoir was inside me.
Learn what it means to love yourself. 15 signs that indicate you love yourself
Gift yourself with love
Now I can say for sure: when you realize that love is within you, you can and must first and foremost gift it to yourself.
We all had a childhood, not always ideal, and parents were not always able to love and understand you the way you wanted.
Without delving into the spiritual meaning of what is happening, but purely from a human perspective, they are who they are, and what was cannot be changed.
You can change your attitude toward your parents and toward the past.
And since you are now adults and understand that the source of love is within you, not somewhere else, then give yourself the missing love, understanding, and support. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and your imperfections.
And of course, forgive your parents. They did everything they could for you.
See also: How to improve relationships with parents
Love does not equal suffering
When you begin to understand that the source of love is within you, you become someone who can manage this gift.
This understanding will help you get through a breakup. If you love unrequitedly, stop perceiving it as punishment, suffering, or lack.
It is a gift. There are people who are completely incapable of love, of deep feeling, of unconditional love.
Love is a feeling that does not belong to a specific person.
Returning to my story, for me this was a great realization and at the same time a liberation from those tossings and sufferings: “Why isn’t he with me?”
This feeling is always within me, and I don’t need to run after someone to get a crumb of attention, approval, or love.
It is within me, and I can direct it at any person and, most importantly, at myself.
Understanding this brings liberation, strength, and even power. You feel what it is like to be in the vibrations of this feeling, you feel that they emanate from you.
You clearly feel the unity of souls, this invisible connection, and that everything is done for our highest good of all.
There is no suffering here.
The human mind may react to a situation as terrible, but when you look with your soul, with love in your heart, you see all the beauty of the experience, the situation as a whole.
Go through the Unconditional Love Activation through the chakras. This is a free introductory course that will help you let unconditional love inside yourself.
How to switch from a state of lack of love to the realization that love is a gift
Unfortunately, a person is not yet able to switch in an instant and constantly maintain a state of verticality all the time, especially if they have experienced trauma and the wound is still fresh.
If such people exist, they are few.
Inside them, there are still those destructive emotions that need to be released. And often this cannot be done in one go.
If you have not yet acquired this feeling, or have acquired it but have not fully healed, you will periodically return to those emotions and sufferings. Remember that it is your ego that is suffering.
The soul, on the contrary, rejoices that you have finally heard its call and taken a step towards healing.
Therefore, your higher aspects will actively help in healing your wounded parts.
Here is what helped me:
1. Experiencing emotions
After you have realized everything, you only need to take the most important step — to live through these emotions.
Until you accept them and live through them, they will keep returning you again and again to that reality where you are in pain, where there is unrequited love, where you are abandoned and suffering.
If possible, take a vacation, go on a trip to some quiet, secluded place, or stay home and allow yourself to cry.
Emotions usually come in waves. You may think they are gone, but after some time, something may remind you again of what you have lost.
These reminder situations serve as a kind of litmus test; they help you understand whether there is still something inside you that triggers you and causes suffering.
Usually, in such cases, people push their feelings deeper inside. I strongly advise you not to do this. Otherwise, true healing will not occur.
But you also do not need to forcefully squeeze them out of yourself, wanting to live through them as quickly as possible. The physical body has its limits; you may feel fatigue, powerlessness, and apathy.
Simply allow yourself to be alone if you feel the need to release another wave of such emotions.
Use all possible techniques for releasing emotions: violet flame, ho’oponopono, anger letter, farewell letter, radical forgiveness questionnaires.
2. Caring for the Physical Body
Surround yourself with maximum care.
Pamper your body with as many pleasant tactile sensations as possible: soft fabrics, rest, baths, massages, aromatherapy oils, sauna, swimming pool.
Read about other ways you can pamper yourself.
3. Faith That “This Too Shall Pass”
For some time, there will still be a seesaw state, where you fall from a vertical position into a victim state.
Allow yourself to experience this for as long as you need, knowing that you will eventually return to a balanced state. Stay true to yourself and remember that you cannot fall below the floor.
Someone once said that rock bottom is the most stable position of all; you cannot fall any lower. All that remains for you is to stand up.
Gradually, you will clear your consciousness of destructive emotions, and when the next situation arises that could have hurt you, made you suffer from a lack of love, you will realize that you feel no suffering. You feel nothing; only memories remain as a fact that this happened in your life.
Your heart will begin to open, and you will be filled from within with self-belief, with the love that has always been within you. But due to the superficial husk (beliefs), it could not manifest.