The topics of grievances in relationships and accepting men remain relevant for many.
The project materials contain a huge number of broadcasts, as well as articles on this subject.
It is best to start delving into the topic with materials dedicated to three types of relationships. In this article, we will talk about hierarchy in relationships and what kind of space a woman creates for a man.
Relationships Based on the Principle of Hierarchy
When you think someone is criticizing you, nagging you, making remarks, or reproaching you, it is not about the criticizer – it is your personal trauma.
You live in a hierarchy. In a hierarchy, there is always someone above and someone below.
If this concept is close to you in relationships and you accept these rules of the game, be prepared that you may not participate in decision-making.
If you choose someone older and higher in the hierarchy (as in cases of “I want to be in daddy’s arms”), be prepared for the other side of the coin, where the one making decisions for you may walk all over you.
In raising children, it is assumed by default that the adult is wiser, smarter, and more reasonable. In reality, this is not the case.
For example, many adult children still hold grievances against their elderly parents, wondering why they are so narrow-minded.
You do not always see wisdom, humanity, kindness, unconditional love, and support in difficult situations from those who are older and “wiser.”
From the perspective of vibrations and spiritual level, children are always more advanced than their parents because they are tuned into the new energy of the current moment.
It is adults who need to strive to catch up with their children.
The best position for a parent is to look at their child, even a newborn, as an adult, spiritually mature little person.
A parent simply performs the function of an educator who creates a safe space for the maximum realization of a child’s potential.
It is an illusion that you can teach a child something or somehow raise them. The only thing you can do is implant your limitations into the mind of a more developed being.
Many parents do exactly that.
The program “I am an adult, therefore automatically an authority for the child” has long ceased to work. For you to be treated as an authority as an adult or parent, you must earn that authority.
Note that in communication with another adult, you do not automatically grant authority to another adult.
First, you establish contact, get acquainted, and when you find something for which you can respect that person, you begin to treat them with respect.
Or conversely, when you discover that for some reason you do not like this person, you do not interact with them. Thus, in the adult world, this approach is considered normal.
But for some reason, as soon as it comes to a child, this approach stops working.
Do you think your partner/husband/wife is an adult or a small child?
In classical psychology, an adult is defined as a psychologically mature person who is responsible for themselves, makes their own decisions, and bears responsibility for them.
See also Adulthood and responsibility. How to boost responsibility in different areas of life
Relationship “trauma to trauma”
When your partner considers themselves entitled to criticize you, teach you, or make remarks to you, their trauma is manifesting. This trauma was most likely received in childhood, from parents, in particular, from an authoritarian mother.
In other words, this is the trauma of the parent who was above the child in the family hierarchy.
A man is a reflection of your attitude toward yourself. If you do not love yourself, men beautifully mirror back to you your lack of self-love.
In this sense, a man is a good litmus test that calls you to pay attention to yourself and to what is happening inside you. But this is no longer a mandatory phenomenon for the current moment.
Previously, people were drawn to each other on the principle of “trauma to trauma,” showing those imperfections that require work in relationships.
Being in a relationship or family is the best way to change, grow, and overcome. In this sense, relationships (including family/kinship) served as a kind of “correctional colony” for self-improvement and growth.
Now there is no longer a need to dig into your traumas for years, harshly and regularly working through them. Now everything is much simpler. You can simply decide for yourself that you will not look at the world through the eyes of your traumas. Period. It is a matter of your choice.
Choose the option where, thanks to the experience gained through trauma, you live as if the trauma never happened. You have become wiser, more mature, more experienced, but your traumas no longer control you.
See also Codependency in relationships: how it manifests and the path out
Codependency in relationships
You are codependent when you have someone in your family or close circle who is addicted (gamblers, drug addicts, liars, philanderers). In this case, you are all in a codependent relationship.
The main sign of codependency is when you adjust your behavior to the actions of other people. You do not live by what is important to you, but you live with an eye on the other person.
At one time, my mother and I were afraid to wake my father. Mom always said: “Quiet, quiet, better let him sleep than have him start raging or something else..” There it is. That is codependency. You suppress yourself, you suppress your child, for what?!
See also [Interactive Article] Books on Codependency
Partnership for Enhancement and Bliss
Now we live in a somewhat different reality, in different conditions, in different energies.
Now, the more wounded parts you heal and fill with light, love, and self-acceptance, the more self-sufficient and whole you become.
And then a partner appears next to you who is similarly more whole and self-sufficient. Then there is no longer any point in rubbing your rough edges and corners against each other to smooth them out.
Instead, you can enhance each other’s great qualities. You can choose partnership because together you feel more blissful than alone.
Together you can achieve more. Together your light shines brighter.
You stay in the relationship as long as you both feel good in it.
See also What is partnership between a man and a woman. What factors define it
What kind of space a woman creates for a man
In a relationship, a woman creates a space for acceptance and enhancement.
If you do not accept your children and do not admire them, the children turn their backs on you and start being rude and insolent, which is very noticeable during adolescence.
The same is true for husbands/men. There are many examples where a woman begins to admire her husband and believe that he can do anything, and he actually demonstrates this.
A woman creates the space. A woman is in a state of acceptance if she accepts her man with all his quirks.
If you do not accept even the slightest aspect/manifestation of another person, it means you do not accept that person. In that case, the question to you is: what are you doing next to someone you do not accept?
By continuing to stay next to someone you do not fully accept, you create a constant simmering point for conflict. This point may be hidden “under the hood,” and then it manifests as irritation, sudden complaints, and so on.
As soon as you accept some “quirk” in your partner, your next step is you choose an action. First, you accept, acknowledge (this is how they are), and then your action follows – reinforcement.
If you do not accept, you reinforce all that “negativity” which you do not accept. If you have accepted, then you reinforce – but not what you dislike, but what you like.
I recommend reading the book by Karen Pryor, “Don’t Shoot the Dog.”
Karen Pryor is a scientist who studied dog behavior. Based on her research and experience, she wrote a book on how to interact with children and men.
When you train a cat or a dog, you reward the behavior you like by giving the pet a treat. But you withhold the treat when the behavior displeases you.
Surprisingly, what works well with animals also works well with men.
This happens because most men (those with predominantly masculine energy) have strongly expressed animal reflexes.
Excerpt from the book: “The bus driver is rude, and it makes you angry. Don’t pay attention to the driver. Take your ticket and forget about it. Why? Because you need to learn to separate spoken words from actual behavior.”
Often, men in a state of anger may throw a harsh word at a woman that wounds. Learn to separate what a man says from his actual behavior.
What a man gives to a woman
A man gives to a woman what he himself is filled with.
If a man is greedy, he gives greed. If a man is full of aggression and crap, he dumps it on the woman. If a man is full of love, he gives love to the woman.
If he is full of gratitude, he gives gratitude to the woman in the form of all kinds of gifts and more.
When talking about a man in a relationship, a natural question arises: who fills the man and amplifies certain of his manifestations?
Think about what space you create for your man. What does the man give you?
In the next part of the article on this topic, you will learn how to free yourself from grievances in relationships.
The article is written based on a broadcast from the section #conversation_on_the_couch “Men. Relationships. Grievances”