In the previous part of the article, we discussed how relationships are built on the principle of hierarchy and how a woman creates space for a man.
In this article, you will learn how to free yourself from grievances and what lies behind them.
How to free yourself from grievances in relationships and what lies behind them
When you feel a desire for something from within, you have a need for it. Name this need – what need is gnawing at you inside.
If your husband did not give you flowers (and you wanted them) – what does that mean? That he does not love you, does not value you, does not respect you, does not give you time? Decipher your need.
People are used to looking at the foam on a pot of broth, but they do not look inside.
Look at what inner need is hiding under the foam and screaming: “give, give, give!”.
If you yourself are unable to understand what exactly you want and give it to yourself, another person will not be able to give it to you.
Inside you, something hungry is sitting and demanding your attention, while you are looking at the external (others).
You have a desire for him/someone else to do it. The desire is yours, but you do not want to fulfill it yourself.
You do not take responsibility for fulfilling your desire. For some mythical reasons, you want another person to fulfill this desire.
This is where grievances are born, because the other – as a normal man (woman) – does not want to fulfill your desires. Others want to fulfill their own desires, and that is logical.
In any situation where you yourself or someone else (towards you) experiences grievances, there is always a desire that the person – for certain reasons – refuses to fulfill themselves.
With women’s grievances, the situation is even “more complicated”. A woman not only wants a man to fulfill her desire, but also expects him to guess it himself.
If you want your husband to give you flowers, you need to train him to do so. You have a specific skill you want to teach a man. Work on it.
From the perspective of gifts, a person gives another what they themselves like, what is valuable to them, what they want to receive for themselves. If you want something different, voice it.
See also: Why women suffer on Women’s Day, or how to get rid of stereotypes associated with March 8
Templates and programs. Whom you perceive as a man
It is about the templates and programs that are written into you. These templates contain a tolerance that men can behave this way (drink, raise a hand against you, criticize, etc.). This is codependency.
Adequate normal men do not behave this way.
For me, for example, it is unequivocal – a man who raises a hand against a woman is not a man. For me, a man who borrows or begs for money from a woman immediately falls into the category of “non-man.” I have certain criteria for what a real man does NOT do.
My inner man is so powerful that many men look like mere weaklings compared to him. I do not perceive them as men.
Programs of codependency can be passed down from generation to generation. If codependency stops manifesting in your current relationship, it means you have worked through this issue.
If there is a mentally ill person next to you, this is also about codependency.
Another perception of a man — A man is a warrior, protector, guardian. This is not a person who saves you as a woman or wipes your nose. But this is a person who will be there, if you ask and call.
Women have a huge problem with calling and asking. If you sit and wait, but it doesn’t happen, and then you fall into complaints, that’s not about a protector and guardian. It’s about you – about the fact that you are silent and do not voice your needs.
And you don’t voice your needs because you have codependency and you believe that your needs are not worth satisfying.
Go through the meditation Meeting with the Inner Man, where you will gain a reliable and loving companion who will stay with you for life.
How to work through your shadow aspects. A personal example
In relationships, people often lack the ability to empathize with pleasant moments, to share another’s joy.
I know how to observe and was able to track this shadow aspect in myself.
Once I ran to Maris to show him what a cool thing I had “whipped up,” and instead of rejoicing with me about how great it was, he started coaching me – this needs to be finished here, fixed there. And I suddenly realized that my joy from my own achievement had evaporated – it got to me.
But why did it get to me? Because I do exactly the same thing. I remembered those moments when he came to share something, and my mind immediately started generating: let’s improve this, let’s tighten that up there.
A very beautiful mirror – you yourself are such a Starovoitova. Okay, now what am I going to do with this?
To start, I told my husband: “I’ll go finish and redo it now, but I won’t show you anymore. You don’t know how to rejoice with me. You bring me down, pull me back, and there’s always something that needs to be perfected.”
We invite you to the basic course “Dance with the Shadow 3.0” to recognize and release your shadow aspects, and along with them, the energy that was previously spent on hiding suppressed aspects.
Learn more >>
Is it important to you what others think of you?
If it matters to you what others think and say about you, then any “unflattering” opinion will affect you.
This primarily applies to older generations, that is, those who grew up in a society where everyone watches others and lives according to what others want from them.
Many people “close off” (stop sharing their joy with others) from childhood as a result of trauma.
This is caused by non-constructive criticism from parents, when adults unconsciously steal a child’s joy by focusing on their shortcomings.
If others are not yet ready to share your joy, do not share it.
For example, I do not share any of my new ventures, I do not tell anyone about my plans, not even my husband, because I know his tendency to bring me down.. In some cases, I understand that it is better not to tell, and I accept that as a result I might also not know something. But I am okay with that. I do not believe that a husband and wife must share everything.
Similarly, there are some things that are valuable only to me. Another person is not obligated to share my values. For example, my husband and I never compare our worldviews. Even though we work in the same field, we often have completely different opinions on many things.
Speak directly about what you want
Complaints are about the person making them. Learn to voice your needs.
Listener’s question: “If my husband doesn’t know how and doesn’t want to give compliments, and it bothers me, I make complaints—is this about something in me?”
And why do you evaluate yourself based on compliments?
I have no complexes. I come and say: “Darling, I need to be praised, I’m great today.”
Often on March 8th, women obsess over the idea “but I want him to give me flowers.” Right now, I have pink chrysanthemums in a vase—I wanted fresh flowers, so I bought them. I don’t want my husband to give them to me. Because my sense of worth and completeness doesn’t depend at all on whether my husband brings me that bouquet or not. If I want fresh flowers, I get them.
Why should it bother me? Because I didn’t get attention?
Why—based on the attention a man gives me—do I draw conclusions about my own value?
Why should that “jerk” evaluate me? Today he’s in a great mood, he achieved something; tomorrow he fails and considers himself a loser. Why should I evaluate myself through the prism of his successes or failures, his good or bad mood?
A man can be taught to give flowers. Understand that many men have traumas about flowers, when the first flowers they gave to a girl in their youth were thrown away or ignored.
Don’t be infantile. If you want a protector man who will easily “go and kill” for you, realize what lies behind that strength.
If you want a compliment, ask for that compliment. If you want flowers, say it directly.
See also: 7 reasons why women don’t want to ask men for help
Please write in the comments whether you have learned to satisfy your needs and state your desires to others?
The article is based on a broadcast from the #conversation_on_the_couch section “Men. Relationships. Complaints”