When a person grows up, psychologists believe that their success, fulfillment in life, and ability to make independent decisions are influenced by separation from their parents.
On the other hand, something else is just as important. When your children grow up and fly the nest, are you able to let them go, to separate, so you can live your own life instead of being consumed by their questions and problems?
In this article, we’ll talk about the importance of separation from adult children. Also read about the main gift of childhood that is important to cherish while your parents are still alive.
Carefreeness — the main gift of childhood
Comment: “I noticed that when I was in my mom’s field, I started going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, even though I’m a night owl. I left her field and returned to my usual routine.”
With our parents, we fall into a childlike state.
While they are still alive, make the most of these moments. Sometimes these states cause irritation because teenage things break through, like rebellion. For me, for example, a growl would break through.
In reality, these are precious moments.
After my mom passed away, I lost this childlike state. Within two days, I automatically shifted into the role of head of the family, even though I hadn’t planned on it.
I later mourned that childlike state very deeply because my relationship with my father is different.
The main gift of childhood is carefreeness, when adults solve all your problems for you.
The farewell to childhood comes when you realize that you have to solve adult problems and questions on your own.
But still, somewhere deep down, that part remains that hopes an adult will come along and solve everything.
Some people spend their whole lives trying to delegate this function to a man. A prince on a white horse will show up and solve all your financial issues, pay off your debts, and so on.
But all of this ends when your parents pass away, unless you’ve delegated it to someone else.
So cherish such moments, even if you’re arguing and fighting right now, because a very serious shift comes afterward.
See also: Relationship with parents from a spiritual perspective. Acceptance as the foundation of relationships
Unresolved teenage rebellion or insufficient separation from parents
Comment: “Around my mom, anger and rebellion come up.”
This is connected to the teenage part, an unresolved teenage rebellion. And then, parents trigger our unprocessed states.
Psychologists would probably say this is insufficient separation. But for me personally, separation is when you make your own decisions independently of other people’s opinions, regardless of whether your parents agree with you or not.
I am the main authority in my own life. That’s one of the consequences. And the question here is: do your parents agree that you make independent decisions?
I was shocked when I talked to one young lady who said she talks to her mom for two hours every single day.
This constant rehashing of everything — you will never become an adult, because all your decisions are dictated either by an attempt to break free from parental control or by doing things out of spite.
But that’s just my perception of separation and its absence.
Living separately is also not an indicator of separation, because we have a huge number of 40-year-old women and men who still live looking over their shoulder at their parents.
See also The Sovereign Self and the principle of personal autonomy. How to determine what is acceptable for you
Obstacles on the path to the self
No matter how spiritually advanced we may be, in personal transformation, we still have a long, long way to go to reach the self.
You cannot reach it as long as you are dissatisfied with yourself, criticize your mistakes when something doesn’t go the way you want, and everything falls apart.
Separation from adult children
Question: “How relevant is separation from adult children?”
When a child is one year old, and mom says, “we peed, we ate,” that’s normal. Those of you who have had small children, you remember this state. You identify yourself and connect with the child.
But when your kid is 25-35-40 years old, and you say the same thing, you are living your children’s lives. This becomes very apparent when parents are over 50.
You either live your own life or the life of your children. You know all the details of what is happening with them, you worry about everything.
In fact, this is a signal that you yourself have not separated from them, and on the contrary, you get offended if they put up a wall: “don’t come, don’t help.”
I see the flip side. I had separation from my parents, but my brother did not. Dad is completely involved in the process of his life. He doesn’t take such an active part in my life. My brother has that opportunity, so he gets involved.
When a person retires and stops applying their talents and gifts in work or various projects, they try to compensate for this inner emptiness with the life of their children.
Therefore, parents also need separation.
What to do if an adult son does not detach from his parents
When a child turns 18, it is advisable to stop coddling them. This is especially true for boys. The sooner a boy becomes independent, the better.
With girls, the period of separation may take longer. For example, parents may support their daughter while she continues her education after school.
It is never the case that an adult son cannot detach or separate from his parents. Rather, the parents themselves “feed” him and, in doing so, do not let him go.
If this is your situation, stop giving your son money and you will see how much changes.
Sometimes you need to put a person in a difficult and critical situation so that they finally take responsibility for their own life.
As long as you leave room for maneuver for your adult child, they will not do anything on their own.
And would you refuse such “gifts”?
The one who doesn’t have everything handed to them on a silver platter is the one who bends over backwards trying to achieve something in life.
See also Vertical Relationships. What they are and how to build them with people
The illusion of a close relationship with a grown child
There are parents who claim they have a close relationship with their child. Perhaps this is an illusion.
Most often, parents confuse excessive care and heightened interest in the lives of their adult children with closeness, and they don’t want to admit this to themselves.
Or they listen to the opinions of “advisors” who themselves don’t have warm relationships with their children, and they disorient them in the same way.
By and large, close relationships with children are a rare phenomenon.
Write in the comments what separation from parents of grown children means to you. How much have you yourself detached from your parents, and are you living your children’s lives?
The article is written based on the broadcasts #15 Ask KM, #65 Punishment or Choice of the Soul, #13 Three Foundations in Raising Children, #22 Helping Parents