There is a joint budget, a separate budget, and an intermediate option.
As the experience of different people shows, maintaining a separate budget is very “saving” during divorces.
In this case, the financial support of each partner is preserved, and there is no need to go through the crisis of dividing shared finances.
The topic of finances always affects relationships. Conversely, the topic of relationships always affects finances, especially if they are not worked through.
Read about which couples a separate budget suits, what its main principles and advantages are.
Main approaches to the budget (using the project’s audience as an example)
Comments on social networks clearly demonstrate the audience’s main views on the topic of shared finances.
Here are a few examples:
“A foreigner asked me to marry him. He said he pays for me only because I am important to him, and he knows my (‘Russian’) mentality. He is ready to support me in the first year, but does not want it to be that way forever. Among Europeans, it is customary for everyone to have their own budget.
I am not a dependent, I never have been. But I immediately felt myself in the position of ‘owing,’ which was very stressful. I will have to pay bills and expenses equally, not knowing now how much I will earn later. It’s poisoning.”
“I really support you. In general, I believe that a woman should work for pleasure. Probably, my husband reflects this belief of mine and also thinks so. As within, so without.”
Here, as you can see, the position of “I must” is visible.
The topic of financial “obligation” and responsibility reflects hidden internal traumas.
Budget and trauma are inextricably linked.
“After my first divorce, I left everything except personal belongings to my husband. With my second husband, we have a separate budget. Maybe I don’t satisfy all my desires, but I know for sure that everything I buy for myself and my apartment is my personal property, and there will be no problems with property division.”
In this case, the choice is made out of fear. Not out of love, not because “I want it that way,” but out of fear.
Do the meditation “Gratitude to Money” to clear the channels of receiving and giving money energy, and to let money into your life with joy and ease.
What is a joint budget and its main drawback
A joint budget is when a husband and wife work, put all their money into a common pot and distribute it by agreement.
Many people in family life repeat the model of relationship with money that their parents had, even though such a model often turns out to be unproductive.
With a joint budget, a lot of misunderstandings arise.
As a rule, a man earns more than a woman. Although recently, women who earn more than men are appearing more often.
The main problem of a joint budget is the issues of “splitting” at the end, figuring out what to direct the money to.
The husband wanted a big desire, the wife did not. The wife wants something big, the husband disagrees. As a result, the wife accuses him of greed.
See also For those who dream of living off their husband
What is a separate budget and its basic principles
A separate budget is when each partner has their own income and expenses (the husband has his own, the wife has hers).
A common opinion regarding separate budgeting:
- a separate budget arises when the relationship is super-good, and the partners have nothing to divide, everything suits them;
- a separate budget can only exist when each partner has more than enough money and they are not financially dependent on each other.
For example, some amount covers all your basic needs. And each of you (as partners) earns twice as much.
Then you don’t have the issue of who pays for what – you simply agree and act as is convenient for you.
In this case, such financial relationships cannot harm either party.
My husband and I had a clear division – what Maris pays for, and what I usually pay for.
This is a division. Maris takes on large purchases and trips. I pay for utilities and the housekeeper’s services. I pay for our daughter’s school, Maris pays for his son’s school, as well as the driver who takes the children to school. This division is roughly equal.
But if someone currently lacks the means, the other contributes from their surplus. That money is there. And there is no quibbling over every penny.
The main principle of a separate budget is from surplus, because the money is there.
Not because you are traumatized and afraid, not for any other reasons, but because you have this surplus, and you don’t have to choose between spending money on shoes or feeding the children.
This is a somewhat different level, and many of you are already at it.
A separate budget is possible if your channel of giving and receiving works well (as much as you give/invest, you receive back), and you have no imbalances.
Spiritual practices often operate with the concepts of “channel of receiving” – “channel of giving.” When there are disruptions in energy exchange within a couple, all the cockroaches come crawling out.
“I washed the dishes twice, and you promised – but didn’t do it.” “I earn more, and you earn less.”
All of this is a consequence of unequal exchange – on the level of energy, money, or anything else.
A separate budget option is for adults, mature, and financially independent people.
I have never been in a relationship where I was supported and there was a shared budget.
Having been burned by the father of my daughter, I stood for financial independence. I carried a childhood trauma from back in Soviet times, when a man (my father) would throw it in a woman’s (my mother’s) face that “you didn’t even earn enough for your own underwear.”
I heard that phrase in my youth and from then on knew that no man would ever throw that in my face. That was my path to gaining independence, and my relationship with Anya’s father proved it.
When we separated, I felt for the first time how much money I had! I can buy this, and I can afford that. Even though I continued doing the same work, we no longer spent it on that “shared” stuff.
It was an enormous freedom – I could spend money on what I wanted. Because at that point, the money was mostly mine, and it was being taken from me to go toward the shared family budget.
So when Maris came along, we didn’t even have questions on this topic. Each of us earned independently, and we naturally ended up with a separate budget. Now I see this as a big plus.
See also: Why self-sufficient men and women need relationships. The family budget of two accomplished people
Advantages of a separate budget
When you have a separate budget, you don’t need to ask or beg for money for your needs, and you don’t need to monitor what your partner spends money on.
Comment from a project listener:
«A separate budget helped me survive after my husband’s stroke – I raised my son and got my husband back on his feet. I believe it helps a woman be independent and maintain a balance between her husband’s wants and her own».
There are also intermediate options. For example, a woman contributes a certain part of her salary to the family budget and keeps the rest for herself.
In this way, a woman can protect herself from potential harm and also avoid the need to ask for her daily needs and small expenses.
Distorted monetary relations as a legacy of the Soviet era
The roots of distorted financial models come from the era of the Soviet Union. In those times, men earned more, even in equal job positions with women.
Much has changed in recent years. Now there are amazing women who run empires.
Nevertheless, imbalances in income opportunities between men and women still persist.
For example, a woman is forced to go on maternity leave or stay home on sick leave with a child.
For these reasons, it is more advantageous to hire a man for some good positions with good salaries. This is the pure logic of the patriarchal 3-D world.
In Soviet times, it was prescribed as a duty for a woman: to go to work, earn her little penny, raise children, do laundry, cook, serve the family, etc.
And if after all that she had time for herself, she could afford some hobby.
At the same time, there was a small layer – a privileged caste (usually the “old” intelligentsia, top professors, or bosses) whose wives stayed at home and did not work.
But this does not mean that respect for women was conveyed. For the most part, in such marriages, the central figure, the center of the universe around which everyone else revolved, was the man.
In those rare cases when a woman earned much more than a man, a mirror model applied – the woman was the main one.
The principle always worked: whoever earns more is cooler.
When the Soviet Union collapsed, a whole galaxy of women began to emerge – peculiar butterflies dreaming of conquering the capital and finding themselves a millionaire husband to solve all their problems at once.
Initially, the system was structured so that a person went to work, most often an unloved one (because they had to earn money and support the family), and for the soul they had to seek something outside of work.
In other words, pleasure and work were in no way connected to each other.
For the common budget to work as truly common, it is necessary to remove the “trauma to trauma” type of relationship from the “formula,” where people mirror negative qualities in each other for processing.
And in the 20th century and earlier, only this type of relationship was possible. Only isolated cases were “about something else.”
People were busy polishing each other – through troubles and processing, including financial ones.
See also Vertical relationships. What they are and how to build them with people
Options for a joint budget
You can also agree on the percentage contribution of each partner to common expenses – depending on each person’s income.
The partner with the higher income covers a larger share of expenses (for example, 70 percent).
Everything depends on your personal agreements. Options can vary.
Prenuptial Agreement as a Tool for People with Adequate Self-Worth
A prenuptial agreement is a good way to discuss your financial relationship with your partner in advance.
This method works well when you understand what you are doing and know what you want, while having an adequate sense of female self-worth.
The fear that you might be deprived of something or have it taken away arises from inner inadequacy. This is how a traumatized feminine part manifests itself, screaming and crying out.
Until you heal your feminine essence, your full, true feminine nature cannot emerge.
See also: How to Realize Your Feminine Value. 10 Tips
How a Budget Can Be Structured if a Woman Is on Maternity Leave
In recent years, the institution of family planning has been developing.
If you are planning a child with your partner, you can together calculate the upcoming expenses and investments related to the child’s birth. It is also necessary to account for expenses during the woman’s maternity leave period.
Financial planning in advance is the norm in the civilized world. For example, Americans start saving money for their child’s future education from birth.
Such an approach is absent in the post-Soviet space. The system that previously existed there did not provide for this.
For this reason, most people lack basic financial literacy and fundamental financial planning skills.
But times are changing. Now such information is becoming completely accessible.
And in your family, which budget option do you follow? What pros and cons do you see in it?
The article is based on a broadcast from the #conversation_on_the_couch section “Separate Budget”