In today’s world, without self-love, you can’t become happy, build harmonious relationships, or achieve self-fulfillment without losses.
Many people refuse to love themselves because they confuse the concept of self-love with selfishness (self-centeredness, self-admiration).
The phrase “I love myself” often provokes judgment or mockery among people. And all because in our society, the concepts of selfishness and self-love are equated.
Some still believe that loving yourself means being selfish. Let’s separate these concepts.
How a selfish person behaves
A selfish person does what they want and when they want, without caring how their actions affect others. They always and everywhere put themselves first, wanting everything to be their way.
And at the same time, they don’t care about the feelings or discomfort of others. They rudely violate other people’s boundaries to achieve their goals.
A selfish person skillfully manipulates others’ feelings. They put themselves above others, comparing themselves, constantly proving to themselves that they are worth something.
A selfish person acts from a place of lack, which is why they need everything more than anyone else. They take from the outside, they consume. It follows that a selfish person does not love themselves. Their heart, the source of love, is blocked.
Selfishness is immaturity, trauma, and this concept has nothing in common with the expression of healthy self-love.
A selfish person may and does put their own interests first, may and does take care of themselves, but their thoughts, words, and actions are misaligned. This kind of “self-love” always has some hidden nuances. There is a lack of consistency.
For example, in a family, a person eats all the best food without thinking of others, or spends the lion’s share of the family budget on their own whims, leaving their household without necessities. But at work, they allow their boss to treat them disrespectfully.
Based on my personal observations of myself, relatives, and acquaintances regarding manifestations of selfishness, I want to note that the more selfishly a person behaves, the more serious the psychological trauma that causes such behavior.
Such a person tries to get love, attention, and benefits from external sources, often at the expense of others. It seems to them that if they get this and that, they will feel better.
Society has developed a stereotype of a selfish person as an evil tyrant. And even if they appear that way, inside they are an unhappy person suffering from childhood traumas.
Does this phrase sound familiar? “You damn selfish person! You only think about yourself!” Yes, they can only think about themselves because they simply don’t have enough love for others.
Selfish behavior can manifest in each of us under certain circumstances. And by realizing this, we can change it.
The “Release from Pain” meditation will help release negative emotions associated with the past.
How a person becomes selfish
To understand how egoism arises in a person, let me give you an example.
A girl grows up in a family where her parents divorced almost immediately after her birth. The girl is surrounded by the attention and care of her mother, grandmother, and grandfather. They look after her and spoil her because “she’s so unfortunate, her dad abandoned her.”
She gets used to having everything she wants handed to her on a silver platter at the first request. But inside, she already carries the trauma of abandonment, which her family unconsciously instilled in her.
They meant well, wanting to give her everything so she would never need anything. But they loved and cared for her while feeling guilty. And where that feeling exists, there is someone who manipulates it.
The girl looks happy; she has everything. She takes care of herself and seems to love herself. But it’s not love—it’s egoism.
She never has enough of what she has. She needs everything. She cannot accept that someone else has something she doesn’t. She absolutely must take it away.
There is also another side of egoism.
A person looks after their loved ones, giving all their strength to care for them. They sincerely believe that’s how it should be, that there’s no other way.
But inside, they expect something in return and get offended if their help isn’t appreciated. And what’s worse—they demand that their loved ones live according to their views on life.
This is egoistic behavior. If a person loved themselves and helped others from an overflow of love in their heart, they wouldn’t have complaints about them but would accept them as they are.
Self-love begins with accepting yourself and recognizing your own worth. These 10 tips will help you on this journey.
How self-love manifests
A person who loves themselves trusts themselves and the Universe. They know that all blessings exist in abundance and are enough for everyone. They believe they deserve the very best.
A person who loves themselves doesn’t take anything from anyone and doesn’t manipulate, because they live by universal laws.
They don’t cling to people and don’t attach people to themselves, because they are filled from within.
And people are drawn to them, because they radiate warmth, kindness, and love.
A person who loves themselves values their own and others’ time, knows how to say no when necessary without feeling guilty, and without offending people.
They focus on their strengths and acknowledge the virtues of others.
A person who loves themselves is balanced and harmonious, knows how to protect personal boundaries, and respectfully honors those of others.
Each of us, at different moments in our lives, transitions from a state of egoism to a state of self-love. And the more often we show love to ourselves, the less often the need to act egoistically arises.
See also: The process of returning to wholeness, or How to use your gift of love
What is the difference between egoism and self-love
Svetlana Dobrovolskaya:
“Every person, at different stages of development, has their own picture of the world.
And until there is an inner feeling of oneself not as a separate individual, but as a part of the beautiful divine light, a part of this world, oneself as a spark of the creator—until this love manifests only in relation to the shell, there is a temptation to use someone else’s resource.
But it’s easy to check:
- If self-love adds to your love for others, then you are on the right path.
- If self-love, as you think, makes you feel that you’ve been shortchanged, it is fear disguised as self-admiration.
Because any single particle has no resource. It must steal it from someone else, take it from somewhere outside.
You and I are cells in a living organism, embedded in a vast world.
The one who feels themselves to be a part of this world has an unlimited resource, because it is through the point of the heart that the strength, generosity, and beauty come, allowing you to transmit outward all the wonderful things we came here with.
In this case, self-love is love for God, love for creation. It is the love of love. It cannot be something that violates the rights of others.
If your self-love, in the opinion of others, violates their rights and boundaries, that is a lesson for those people.
They must learn to feel their own boundaries, acknowledge their own worth, their own embeddedness in this Universe.
Therefore, do not rush to judge.
When you judge something, you narrow your vision, you become a separate particle, you lose your resource. And then you are left with only a horizontal connection, which is never equal.
In horizontal exchange, there is never a constant balance. Exchange happens when you give vertically. When you receive from your essence and give to the essence of another person.
True love is not indulgent. It is a love that awakens virtues in others and preserves virtues in us.»