In the previous article, we examined what facets of resentment can manifest in your life.
In this article, you will learn how to overcome resentment and use its energy for your own development.
I especially want to note that the story described in the article is not an example to follow. On the contrary, I strongly urge you not to repeat the experience I will share with you today.
But it, like a mirror, will show where and in what moments you yourself still fall into a victim state.
By looking at my situation from the outside, you will be able to assess your own journey. And how far you have progressed in your ability to cope with resentments.
In the events that happened to me, I clearly saw and defined for myself a personal algorithm — the emergence of resentment, working with it, and overcoming resentment.
Your algorithm may differ somewhat, but once you define it, you will be able to recognize the emergence of resentment in its early stages in the future.
And then consciously decide whether to let resentment into your life or not.
How to overcome resentment. 7 stages of transition from resentment to wisdom
From my experience, I derived 7 stages that I went through myself and that you may be going through in your life.
Let my clear example help you recognize in time which stage you are at.
And move as early as possible to a conscious exit from a state that destroys you and those around you, gaining wisdom and inner balance.
Stage 1 — Unmet expectations
When a person counts on certain behavior, the attitude of other people, or creates an “ideal picture” of how events will unfold in their mind — reality may not match.
When their expectations are not met, dissatisfaction arises.
That day, my family and I decided to get out into nature — to the forest for a barbecue. The weather was unseasonably hot for spring, and our goal was to find a spot in the shade, but closer to the river.
This proved difficult, and we had to choose: settle by the river in the scorching sun or in the shade, but in the forest.
However, I didn’t want to choose, because I had already created an “ideal picture” in my head of how everything SHOULD be.
The sun was unbearably hot, so my daughter and I decided to go for a swim. My husband didn’t want to swim and didn’t want to wait for us, deciding instead to walk along the bank in search of a suitable shady spot.
He told us to catch up.
No one could have imagined how this would all turn out.
Stage 2 — Loss of control over the situation
When a person realizes they cannot control the course of events, disappointment arises, which provokes the emergence of negative emotions.
That’s exactly what happened to me.
My daughter and I cooled off a bit and went to look for dad. It was hot, we were thirsty, hungry, and wanted to sit down and rest as soon as possible, but no such luck…
Dad was nowhere to be found. And the worst part was that he didn’t have his phone with him.
We circled along the bank fruitlessly, first one way, then the other. My daughter was whining, the sun was mercilessly beating down on my head, and inside me, slowly but surely, irritation was rising: “Is this the kind of vacation I dreamed of?!!”
See also Transformation of hatred into love. How to heal this destructive feeling
The recommendations from this article will help you overcome resentment.
Stage 3 — Emotional outburst
The more reality differs from the “ideal picture,” the stronger the emotions and the faster the explosion occurs, the consequences of which are impossible to predict.
Feeling helpless to change the situation, I was boiling over. Accepting my position was extremely difficult, and attempts to calm down proved unsuccessful.
My ego got out of control and only added fuel to my inflamed mind, with one thought spinning in my head: “How could he abandon us?!! Why didn’t he wait?!!”
And the emotions burst out. I hadn’t had such an outburst in a long time. My daughter, although she herself was confused, tried to calm me down.
But I was shouting and complaining about my husband’s actions, occasionally resorting to profanity. I no longer wanted barbecues or relaxation. I wanted to drop everything and leave.
See also Negative emotions: anger, rage, outbursts of aggression. What causes them and how to cope with them
Stage 4 — Shifting responsibility from oneself
It often happens that a person wants to be right but does not see a clear solution. And they realize the situation is too overwhelming for them.
Then they tend to shift responsibility for what happened away from themselves and find the guilty ones externally.
Here is how it was in my case:
I couldn’t leave because I knew my husband would also be running around looking for us until dark if we didn’t show up.
And I decided to walk straight along the shore until the river ended. I wanted only one thing — to find my husband and tell him everything.
Because at that moment, I was sure that he was the one to blame for everything. And me… innocent and pure. 🙂
And when we finally found him, the scene was unpleasant…
See also The dangers of resentment and anger from the perspective of the laws of the universe
Stage 5 — Choosing the victim position
When a person refuses to admit that they created this situation themselves, they fall into a victim state: “It’s not me! I’m not to blame, it’s all them.”
Thus, they voluntarily give up control of their inner state to other people.
The situation changed, the family was together, we returned to the forest, but I had no intention of stopping my self-torture and continued to play the resentment game.
I wanted to punish my husband for the inconvenience caused to us and for my ruined mood, completely forgetting that only I am responsible for how I feel.
My husband was busy with the barbecue, and I stubbornly, with the passion of a masochist, continued to suffer, now also refusing to eat.
Why did I do this? Something inside me wanted to watch this film to the end, to play this role to the fullest, in order to fully experience the “delights” of my choice.
Find out why people play the victim role and how this state manifests itself.
Stage 6 — Awareness and exit from an unpleasant experience
Next comes a turning point. Someone decides to continue tormenting themselves with resentment, making the situation even worse.
And someone reaches a breaking point and chooses to go a different way — to overcome the resentment.
By shifting their attention from thoughts to sensations, a person gains the ability to feel the multidimensionality of their soul and unity with the world.
If you are currently in a state of resentment, maybe this is exactly the moment to stop and step out of it?
At that moment, Alena Starovoitova’s words were already persistently echoing in my head:
“No matter what happens — return to the vertical… Pull yourself out of the victim state by your own hair… You no longer have any moral right to linger in this state for long…”
I felt as though I was both playing and observing what was happening from the sidelines, and I realized how ridiculous and absurd the role I had chosen was 🙂
Listening to the birds singing, watching the rustle of the leaves, I felt a complete shutdown of thoughts and emotions. It was as if I switched to a different wave — moving from pondering to feeling.
This brought me back to a state of “here and now,” in which everything that had happened seemed so insignificant and distant that thinking about it or discussing it no longer made any sense.
See also: How to truly learn to forgive offenses
Learn how to transition from a state of self-pity to liberation, gaining strength and inner harmony.
Stage 7 — Extracting wisdom
A person comes to the realization that they themselves created this situation and made the choice to take offense. They extract a pearl of wisdom and begin to see the deeper meaning in the experience they received.
And if that’s the case — then there is no one left to blame.
Our picnic did take place after all, and my daughter, wise beyond her years, chewed on meat and explained to me that dad was not to blame for me deciding to take offense at him.
Yes… I DECIDED. And every time it is my choice, which I decide to live through.
My human part is accustomed to evaluating everything from a negative or positive perspective, reflecting the duality of our world.
But for the soul, any experience is valuable, and each one contains a deep meaning. It is important and necessary.
Why did I need this? Perhaps so that in this article I wouldn’t flaunt my achievements, but instead show through a personal example where and in what situations you also make similar choices.
And even if you have made it, you can always step out of that state, out of the experience that does not suit you, and return to yourself.
For this, you have many opportunities and ways that you know about.
Also, on the website «Keys of Mastery» you will find tools and practices tested by thousands of people that will help you overcome resentment and come to a resourceful state.
The main thing is to DO IT!