Some people don’t care what others think of them because they value themselves as they are.
But there are those for whom, to a greater or lesser extent, external evaluation matters. Their self-esteem and perception of themselves as a good or bad person depends on how they are treated, what is said and thought about them.
If a request or suggestion to fix something or do it differently comes from outside, it looks like a criticism to them.
Read on to learn where dependence on external evaluation comes from and why you shouldn’t evaluate yourself based on someone else’s criteria.
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-worth
Self-esteem is how I evaluate myself, self-worth is what I value in myself. Feel the difference.
To evaluate yourself, you need to have certain parameters to understand.
There are grades in school: A’s and F’s. The difference is clear. But what is the difference between a B and a C? What criteria do you use to assign a grade? These criteria are mostly unknown to us.
They exist somewhere inside at the subconscious level, but at the conscious level, these criteria are absent.
Most of it is tied to other people. Who said something, how they looked, approved, disapproved, laughed, didn’t laugh, congratulated, didn’t congratulate. Everyone says in words, “No, no, I haven’t been like that for a long time.” But when you start writing it down, you see it.
See also Self-worth and self-esteem. What is the difference between them
The mind’s filter for criticism
If your self-esteem is tied to external factors, you react to other people’s words and their criticisms.
Someone who never criticizes anyone doesn’t use the word “criticism.” It’s not in their vocabulary.
And those who love to reproach everyone, to be dissatisfied with everything, to lecture, these words always slip off their tongues. They themselves behave this way, but they don’t notice it.
A balanced person does not encounter this in life. They don’t have a system that reads this as a remark.
Perception of remarks. Childhood trauma “I am bad”
Everything related to thoughts and beliefs needs to be written down, and after a while you will be very surprised at what you read there.
Because people have events, they have emotions, everything that spins in the head in between is filtered out, not paid attention to. A blind spot. The emotion seems to have appeared on its own.
But nothing appears on its own, everything appears from thoughts that you do not see. And beliefs sit inside, they are not on the surface.
When you have written down these thoughts, you can step out of them. But to do this, you need to dive inside yourself.
My husband constantly says that I make remarks. But I, rather, sometimes give a kick in the broadcasts. But that’s not a remark. I give a kick to move a person, to try to convey something.
And a traumatized person sees the same thing in everything. They look at everything through their trauma.
For example, if there is a core belief inside “I am bad, I don’t measure up,” then a person looks at everything through this. And then any phrase triggers a furious reaction in them: “you are making a remark to me, lecturing me.”
And there you can see that the person is speaking from the position of a child. That is, there is no adult, next to you is a child who looks at this situation through the eyes of childhood, when their mother scolded and reprimanded them.
But the mother had the right to scold and reprimand. And two adults talk as equals or do not talk. But when one has regressed, what kind of dialogue can there be? Here, next to you is a child.
It is harder to track this moment within oneself, but from the outside it is obvious that there is no point in talking to him now — there is a child sitting opposite him.
See also: Evaluating yourself through the prism of others’ opinions, or How healing of traumatized parts occurs through other people
What the desire to always be right says
Comment: “I had an acquaintance; if you express your opinion in opposition to hers, you run into the phrase: ‘you are arguing with me again'”
There are people who want everyone to agree with them. And inside there sits the belief: “if you disagree with me, then something is wrong with me.”
These people’s entire lives are dictated by making other people agree with them in absolutely everything. Because if not, their self-esteem drops. It is tied to this.
For me to rate myself a five out of five, I need everyone to agree with me. If I am right, I am great. If I am not right, I fail.
This is how our ego works; it is very important for it to always be right. For one simple reason — the principle of duality, confrontation, opposition.
How does it work in this case? If he is right, I am not right. That’s it, a fiasco. The ship has gone to the bottom.
Therefore, we pull ourselves into a state of triality.
The old reality is gone, but dual hooks remain, somewhere mutually exclusive — all or nothing. This is written everywhere for us.
In words, everyone is about unity, about love, but in practice — I want everything to be my way. This dual opposition is everywhere.
And until you pull this muck out of yourself so much that it is completely gone, only then will you be able to vibrate at that frequency where there is truly love, gratitude, acceptance.
See also How to Recognize What Your Emotional Reactions and Shadow Projections Are Saying
To what extent is this dependence on external evaluation manifested in you? How do you react to comments from others? Do you consider them comments or something else?
The article is based on a broadcast from the #conversation_on_the_couch #152 Honesty with Yourself series
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