There are different models of family relationships and different arrangements, including the financial question: who is the main breadwinner, a joint budget, or does each person support themselves independently?
If a woman does not work or earns less than a man, does that mean her contribution to the family is less? How does financial dependence on a man manifest itself, and how can the issue of income during maternity leave be resolved if dependence on a husband is frightening?
We answer these questions in the article.
The man is the main breadwinner in the family. Does this mean the woman is dependent on him?
In many families, the model is this: the husband earns more than the wife, runs a business, while the wife is partially employed with a small personal income. Does this mean she is dependent on the man?
Men have a completely different function compared to women. He is a provider by nature. If a woman earns less, it does not mean her contribution to the family is less. The woman is the inspirer.
A man earns money because there is a woman next to him who creates coziness in the home, who inspires him with herself and her feminine energy for all these achievements.
But if a woman is the inspirer, takes care of the home and household, most often also raises children, and still manages to go to work and bring in some income, is this comparable to the money a businessman, even a major businessman, can earn? Is it comparable?
It is not worth measuring everything in monetary terms: just because he earns that much does not mean he is more capable. There is no need to compare incomes. Men have their own responsibilities, women have their own responsibilities, however they are distributed in the family.
See also Family, money, relationships. What rules to follow when building relationships with loved ones regarding money
Male nature and earning
A man, most often, earns more because the well-being of the entire family depends on him. This is traditional.
I have more than once encountered this position in a family, where a woman earns money for her stockings, manicure, pedicure, and so on, while the man is responsible for the family’s well-being.
Now, perhaps for some this seems strange, because during the transition from the Soviet Union to some form of entrepreneurship, these parameters shifted for us.
But if a man is genuine, if a man is strong, for the most part he considers himself obliged to take on the function of providing for the family.
I have seen different positions of men on this topic. It is not always this way. Many men shed this responsibility, not trying to deal with it at all. But the fact remains, if you take away this function of the “provider,” the breadwinner, from a man, he loses his drive, and there is no incentive to develop.
A man feels worthless, his sense of self-respect begins to decline, and gradually he either degrades or gives up. You cannot go against male nature.
Sometimes circumstances develop in such a way that a man cannot earn, but he needs this to awaken the male instinct. The breadwinner, the fighter who protects and provides.
But if the wife earns more, this does not mean she needs to set a block for herself — I cannot and should not earn more than my husband.
You simply need to find ways where to invest this money and what to do with it, how to manage it, so as not to disrupt the established eco-sphere in the family.
The other side of the question sounds like this: if I later break up with a man who fully supported me, while I was living off him and doing nothing, what will happen to me?
Often such women go into a deep deficit because they have no idea how they can support a child on their own. That is precisely when this state of dependence on a man manifests itself.
Therefore, having an independent source of income is necessary to know that if something goes wrong, I can always maneuver around it.
Everything depends on the relationships within the family. There are women who live with their husband as if in the lap of luxury, yet they are independent, self-sufficient, self-fulfilled, and self-expressed.
But if we are talking not just about relationships or marriage, but about the level of partnership, then agreements will always be in play.
In relationships where the wife earns more than the man, and her demands are greater than his income, he may fall out of his fighting, spirited state as a provider.
Because he wants to give a gift but lacks the funds, while, for example, the wife has enough, then it strikes at his sense of self. This is where agreements come into play.
In a partnership, you need to sort out each individual situation and come to an agreement.
See also What is partnership between a man and a woman. What factors determine it
What does support and backing from a man consist of
Everyone puts their own meaning into the concept of support and backing from a man. It is not only a financial matter.
Excluding finances, there are many things in which a man can provide support. For me, when I am having a hard time, I just need to hear: “Listen, everything is fine. We got through that too. Remember, we got through it? And this time we will get through it too.”
In this regard, I am amazed by Maris’s wisdom. He has a signature phrase that he repeats time and again, and it is truly calming: we have already solved this issue, we just don’t know how.
This is again cause and effect. There is a situation somewhere where we have already dealt with this. Now we need to figure it out, live through it, and understand how we did it.
And to live through it means not to be nervous, not to panic, not to fall into doubt, not to let the mind overthink and invent things, but simply to live.
If you are afraid of financial dependence on your husband during maternity leave
Sooner or later, a child appears in a relationship. It happens that a woman is frightened by the prospect of being left without her own source of income, especially if she earned well and had a promising career.
But if a man wants and is ready to provide for you, shed your masculine part. Women are not draft horses who have to carry absolutely everything on their own. Allow him to take care of you.
In general, it is better to prepare for the arrival of a child in advance. This is a conscious approach by two people. One person works to ensure there is more money in the family, which may require sacrificing an old job, finding a new position, and so on.
Not a side hustle, where men usually scramble at the last minute and start running around trying to earn an extra penny, but a serious approach to it.
A woman, if she does not want to be 100% financially dependent on a man, can gradually save money for the necessary support of herself and her child. So that regardless of whether her husband works or not, she can afford absolutely everything she wants.
On the other hand, you can also earn money during maternity leave in a format that suits you. When I had a baby, I worked as a tutor. When my child was a month old, I returned to tutoring, and she slept in my arms. I scheduled lessons during her nap time.
It’s important to understand what scares you: being left without your usual level of comfort or something else. And what financial independence means to you.
See also: For those who dream of living off their husband
What does financial dependence on a man mean to you? Who is the main breadwinner in your family?
The article uses answers to questions from the course “Happy Partnership” (no longer for sale)