Several generations have grown up with the beliefs that you need to help people and take care of your neighbor.
That giving away your last and being left with nothing is normal, and being selfish is bad.
But when you act this way, are you always doing it sincerely? Or deep down, do you want to throw it all away and think about yourself first?
If you recognize yourself, then this material is for you.
Read on to understand the reasons why you sacrifice your time and resources, and how to stop this behavior.
Why people sacrifice themselves for others
Many of us grew up on movies and books about heroes who performed feats to save other people. It’s better to sacrifice your life than to be a traitor.
Remember childhood cartoons where you need to give everything to a friend or come to their aid at any time, and if you don’t, you’re a bad friend, an egoist.
Along with the moral principles instilled in childhood, false beliefs were also born in us that thinking about yourself and acting in your own interests is egoism, selfishness.
The very concept of helping your neighbor deserves deep respect. But is the principle of “give everything to another” always appropriate in everyday life: in the family, in a team?
Parents sacrifice themselves in the literal sense (just so the children are fine) when it is no longer needed or appropriate.
Specialists who don’t know their own worth work tirelessly for the common good at the expense of their family, losing their health.
Women forget about their own self-realization to please their husbands.
Is sacrifice always justified
In all situations, do you need to fulfill the requests of relatives, acquaintances, managers, colleagues?
If the circumstances are critical — a loved one is in trouble and asks for help — then you need to do it.
In such a case, you can set aside your own interests. But in other cases, think about whether this request violates your boundaries.
If you don’t know how to define personal boundaries, use the algorithm from the article Personal Boundaries. How Not to Lose Yourself.
When you allow friends or grown children to manipulate your feelings, think about why you put others’ interests above your own.
A woman takes on a significant share of family responsibilities so that her children and husband are fed, clothed, warm, and in a clean home.
She herself has a list of various illnesses requiring medical attention. She has no time to take care of her health.
The daily trip for groceries, a six-course dinner, laundry, and cleaning are more important. And all this in her free time from work.
And if, God forbid, she falls ill and ends up in the hospital, who will take care of the family?
If you want so badly to be needed and help others, learn to balance your strength with your capabilities.
The following tips will help you gain an understanding of why it’s important to consider your own interests and put them first.
How to stop self-sacrifice
1. Find out the reason why you sacrifice yourself
What guides you when, once again, you forget about yourself, your plans, and rush to help with your last ounce of strength?
To find out the reason, answer the questions honestly:
- Are you afraid they will turn away from you?
- Do you want to feel needed and significant?
- Don’t you know how to say “no”?
- Do you want to appear to be a responsive person?
- Or do you genuinely want to help selflessly, and you have nothing else to do at the moment?
Help should be given only if it is your true motive, and not because you are afraid of seeming selfish in your own eyes or in the eyes of a friend.
If you are constantly solving other people’s problems, then who will solve yours? Who will take care of you?
The point is not to stop helping, but to reflect — what place you give yourself in your own life.
Alena Starovoitova talks about how to stop living for others and start living for yourself in her video.
2. Choose yourself. For your own sake
The Bible says: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
This means — love yourself first, and then your neighbor… as yourself.
By forgetting about yourself and ignoring your desires, you devalue the gift the Universe has given you — to live with pleasure.
Sooner or later, a moment will come when self-sacrifice pushes you to your limit, and you will realize that things cannot go on like this any longer.
Then the true motives for such behavior will surface, along with your own needs.
When you choose yourself, you restore your connection with Spirit. You rediscover the value of what has been given to you.
You are already thinking and acting from a vertical alignment, in touch with your higher aspects.
This is not selfishness — it is saving yourself.
Any circumstances can shift into a completely different perspective, where you won’t need to play the role of a rescuer or a victim.
You will see a solution for how to act, what help you can offer without harming yourself.
3. Set your priorities correctly
Often people act automatically, out of habit. They don’t think about why they behave in a certain way.
After you realize that you are making an unnecessary sacrifice, try to catch yourself in moments when you give up on yourself in favor of tasks that can wait.
- If there’s a crisis at work and you’re feeling unwell — choose yourself and go get treatment.
- If you are tired, dinner isn’t ready, and you need to feed the family, don’t stand at the stove; instead, buy dumplings or other convenience foods, or order food from a restaurant.
- If someone asks to borrow money, only give an amount you can easily part with.
See also: Who and when you can help. Motives and principles of helping others from a spiritual perspective
4. Give a person a fishing rod, not a fish
“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach him to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”
Chinese Proverb
Learn to see when your help is truly needed, and when you need to say a firm “NO.”
If you’ve been feeding someone fish, maybe it’s time to give them a fishing rod and show them how to use it?
These situations happen to you precisely so you can assert your own interests.
Who knows, maybe after this a karmic knot will be untied, and the person who constantly needed you (as you thought) will be perfectly capable of handling their own problems.
Accept all the blessings the Universe gives you, even if you think you don’t need them. Perhaps tomorrow they will be needed by other people who turn to you for help.
For example, you were offered a job, but you don’t need it. However, this position would be perfect for your acquaintance, to whom you regularly lend money.
By recognizing yourself as the main character of your life, you will find solutions that will help you preserve your energy, health, and time, and help those in need.
And this help will come from free will, not because you are afraid of being misunderstood.
Learn to assert your rights with dignity: “I have the right to say NO!”
5. Allow people to judge you
If you start respecting your own interests and desires, it doesn’t mean you will become selfish.
If you are afraid that your loved ones will turn away from you, that won’t happen. On the contrary, they will start to take you into account.
From a state of fullness and self-respect, you will give them much more than when you are forced to do it. They will feel it.
Who you can expect judgment from:
- From people who sacrifice themselves and don’t allow themselves even basic self-care. Allow them to judge. Perhaps, looking at you, they will also want to change.
- From people who are used to your inability to say no and believe that this is exactly how it should be.
This type of relationship suits them, until one day they are told: “That’s it, enough! From now on, you’re on your own!” That’s when the deep resentment begins! Think about whether you need such relationships.
See also Weak Personal Boundaries — 7 Signs
Determine how strong or weak your boundaries are.
I hope I have given you enough compelling reasons why you need to give up self-sacrifice and put yourself first.
In the next article, we will look at how selfishness differs from self-love.