The ability to let go is a fundamental principle of mindfulness. To create space for the universe to maneuver, you need to release your grip on control.
In today’s reality, this skill has become critically important because, if you don’t let go, you won’t be able to move forward.
But here’s the problem — we’ve somehow learned to let go of the past and grievances, but what about the good things in our lives? How do you let go of something you don’t want to part with?
Letting go is not the same as abandoning, parting with, or throwing out of your life. Letting go means not holding on. Read on to learn how to do it.
Why it’s hard to let go
It’s easy to let go of something unnecessary or bad. If you have to let go of something good, some opportunity, it’s hard to do; we feel regret. The mind needs to logically understand why you should let go. And so it starts inventing reasons, looking for flaws in that good thing. Because that’s easier.
But in the end, you fill yourself with negativity, poisoning yourself, because your thoughts go in circles. Deep down, you know you’re letting go of something good. And that makes it difficult. Like, am I being stupid?
But you can let go with gratitude, guided by your heart, knowing that now you need to go in a different direction. And what you’re letting go of doesn’t need to be turned into something bad; it’s simply not what you need right now.
Similarly, we sometimes find it hard to let go of bad things, like grievances or certain actions taken against us.
Like, if I let go, does that mean I agree that the other person was right, that they did the right thing by hurting me? Does that mean they won, and I’m a weakling, a loser in their eyes? And even in my own eyes, I’m a loser — or at least from the perspective of the mind, the ego, logic.
But when we take all the value hidden in that situation, that experience, it turns out you’re not a loser at all. You received a lesson, you gained precious experience that allowed you to reclaim another piece of yourself, to get closer to your true, authentic self.
Another time it’s hard to let go is when we try to control everything. When we’re afraid to release our children into independent life, not letting them get bumps and bruises or gain their own experience; when we cling to our husbands, controlling them. But if I let go, he’ll cheat or start behaving badly, right? How do you know?
We hold on with a death grip to something that’s important to us:
- This is the only job I have; I won’t find another; I can’t work anywhere else (this applies to both a bad job and a dream job).
- This is my husband, my man, the only person who loves me. I have to hold on to him.
- This is the only place I can live. I won’t be able to settle anywhere else; I’m too old, and anyway…
- These are my children; how can I let them go? Does that mean I don’t need them? (as if you only let go of what you don’t need)
- These are my things, these are my relationships, these are my desires; how can I let go of desires? Does that mean I don’t want them?!
That’s how our mind works. It’s either bad or good. If I let go, it means it’s not needed, so I have to hold on until the very end.
But saying goodbye to something or someone in your life and simply not holding on are two different things.
See also Letting Go — An Important Skill for Our Times
How to Loosen Your Grip in Relationships
“My relationship with my husband is falling apart, I have no strength to hold on, so I’ve let go for now.”
We hold on until the very end. Remember that picture that used to circulate on social media, of an ant hanging onto the edge of a cliff? And the caption said: “Let go!”
In relationships, knowing how to let go is a very important skill. The problem is, we tend to swing between extremes. Here’s how it’s wired in our heads: “If I let him go, he’ll leave. And how will I manage without him?”
But the principle of action is completely the opposite: it’s precisely my clinging to him that creates turbulence, conflicts, and explosions. In relationships, trauma meeting trauma is a common occurrence — the attempt to latch onto a person, to hold them by force. And that very thing is what fuels the unfolding of all these programs and lessons, until you finally let go.
I’ve given the example of a glass before: either you’re gripping it so hard your hands are shaking, or you’re simply holding it in your open palm. The difference is obvious.
And when you answer the question of why you can’t let go, a lot of things come up:
- I’m nothing on my own!
- Where would I go with the kids?
- How would I support myself?
But letting go, not clinging, doesn’t mean it will disappear. It means that space opens up where each person can express themselves, and perhaps reveal what couldn’t be revealed before, precisely because that iron grip was in place.
See also Triggers for Re-evaluating Contracts and Three Topics for Letting Go
How to Let Go of Limitations and Outdated Beliefs
The issue of letting go applies to everything, including your beliefs and limitations.
These limitations are falling away right now, and it’s important to observe what’s happening to you.
A good practice is to review your day in the evening: look at the experiences and situations you lived through today. Because many people really do bang their heads against certain things.
At that moment, it’s important to start unraveling it — where did this come from? Because the circumstances were such. Check in with reality; maybe the circumstances have changed. Take note of the new circumstances and act differently. This is an endless process of reviewing throughout the day.
This is clearly seen in the example of living in one country with one set of laws, and then moving to another country with different laws. You have to readjust and give yourself time to go through every area of life, every everyday matter. It’s a massive restructuring.
Think back to ourselves during the pandemic. In Russia, there weren’t that many restrictions, but in other countries, there were a lot. And how much time did it take to adjust to those restrictions, and then to adjust back, to realize that now everything is allowed again?
This is an endless process of tweaking and restructuring. It’s impossible to stay in the old; everything is changing too dynamically.
The more you cling to something, the more painfully it leaves. But when you’ve let go of everything and choose the best, the highest, the most graceful, the most beautiful, it gradually integrates itself.
But the problem is that all of this sounds great in theory. But who’s actually going to apply it in life? You still have to remember it in the right moment, and it doesn’t work the first time either. And you need to have the persistence to do it over and over until it becomes so ingrained that you start living that way.
A man once wrote to us: “This is all great, of course, but it’s a lifestyle, you have to live this way.” Yes, you do have to live this way. And then your picture of the world changes, your worldview changes, your interaction with everyone changes. It becomes a way of life.
What have you already let go of or are ready to let go of? And what is hard to let go of?
This article is based on a live stream from the #couch_conversation section “Autumn Eclipse Corridor 10.14.2023”