More and more people are striving for spiritual development and seeking to understand how to apply spiritual knowledge in life, in communication with loved ones, particularly with children.
In this article, we have gathered some questions concerning responsibility for a child and their upbringing.
What is responsibility for a child from a spiritual perspective
From a spiritual and metaphysical point of view, parents cease to bear responsibility for their children at age 18. After 18, you wish your children well on their path and stop interfering in their lives.
Adolescence now begins somewhat earlier.
When a child becomes a teenager (no later than 14 years old), they already take on part of the responsibility. The older the child, the less responsibility the parents “cover” for them.
While the child is small, parents bear all the responsibility, creating a space for them to grow.
Separation from adult children does not in any way mean an emotional break with them.
Separation can be defined simply as “stop meddling in the child’s life.”
Your grown child is an adult who has the right to make their own choices, even if you disagree with them, and to make their own mistakes.
If you are raising a boy, you need to prepare him in advance that from age 18 he begins to take care of himself.
This does not mean that when your child reaches adulthood, you will not help them. Depending on the situation, you continue to support the child.
Children differ from one another. If your adult child makes unreasonably high demands, you are not obligated to satisfy them, especially to your own detriment.
See also: How to protect a child from trauma related to parental divorce
Fear that the child will grow up to be a loafer
Think about it, do you know anyone in your circle who grew up to be a loafer?
In my time, my parents forced me, and I did it. I was a teenager and said “no” to everything.
But when I had a boy, and he started coming to my house, the first thing I did was start cleaning the house – as best I could.
I wanted my house to be tidy when the boy came in. Before that, my parents forced me to clean, but I didn’t want to.
It’s not about idleness or laziness. The issue is the program that sits in your head: what family, relationships, the role of men and women in all of this are.
You broadcast this same program to your children. And this does not depend at all on whether you managed to teach your child to clean the house or make the bed.
See also Modern children and social adaptation
In the article, we will consider models of development of modern children.
How not to overload your child with studies and activities
Why do homework with a child? It makes sense to teach a child self-organization; to check that he hasn’t forgotten to do his homework; sometimes to nudge him to find out the assignment if he didn’t bring it from school, etc.
If you are tempted to help, ask yourself: why, who was this assigned to? What will happen if you don’t do it?
On the contrary, you should be concerned if your child has developed a “correctness” (straight-A student) complex, if he is afraid of being scolded for an uncompleted or poorly done task.
It’s normal when something doesn’t work out. Getting a “D” is also normal.
Open up space for the child to ask for help. The child should know that if they cannot figure something out on their own, they can always turn to you for assistance and support.
Examine your own motivation—why are you doing your child’s homework for them?
The most important thing in parenting is to nurture what is already in the child from the start, to strengthen it, rather than to crush it.
See also: Is there value in today’s education for children, and what can we give them as parents?
How to accept a teenager
If you have lost authority with your children, you cannot forcibly regain it. You can only gradually build trust.
To do this:
- stop interfering in your child’s life;
- give them the opportunity to make choices;
- allow them to make their own mistakes;
- accept them in all situations (this is key).
It is easy to accept another person (including your child) when you agree with their choice or decision. But few are capable of accepting another person when they disagree with their choice.
By accepting your child in all situations, you are thereby offering them support. Your acceptance equals your support.
Teenagers need to be loved unconditionally—with all their quirks, regardless of how they behave toward you, among other things.
Your most valuable gift to your child is your support and acceptance of them in any situation. If you are ready to give this to your child, your relationship will develop.
In life, the opposite often happens. Parents strive to remake their children, to make them convenient for themselves. Parents want their children to understand them, rather than caring about understanding their own children.
See also Why it is important to build trusting relationships with your teenage child
Child’s disrespect toward a parent
When you encounter disrespect from your adult children, you need to understand: you reap what you sow.
It is normal for a child to show preference for one parent (for example, choosing mom or dad after a divorce).
If you spent many years in a marriage that did not satisfy you, you were thereby “cementing” possible future difficulties in your relationship with your child.
If you had left a destructive marriage with the child’s father earlier, you could have raised him less influenced by his father.
Since you endured all that time what did not suit you (including for the sake of the child having a father), accept responsibility for your past choices.
The apple does not fall far from the tree.
If your child grew up in a family where disrespect was shown toward you as a mother and a woman, naturally the adult son will convey the same attitude to you.
Disrespect toward a parent is “cultivated” equally for both women and men.
If in a family adult women show disrespect toward men, grown daughters will act the same way.
If in a family adult men convey disrespect toward women, grown sons will act in the same manner.
If a girl grows up in a family where the father devalues the mother, at a certain stage of adult life she will attract similarly devaluing relationships (on the principle of “trauma to trauma”).
If an adult child shows you disrespect, accept it, accept your responsibility for what is, – for what you have created.
The desire for your child to understand you just because you gave birth to them is an illusion.
Your honest inner acceptance of what is (created by you) will serve as a factor that helps turn the current situation for the better.
The first step is always taking responsibility.
Nowhere are we taught to be parents when we become them; we go through this school in real conditions. We are not immune to mistakes, nor are our children immune to their consequences.
But we have the opportunity to correct them, and we have the choice of how to act at any given moment.
See also: A child grows up without a father – What to do?
Write in the comments: did you recognize yourself in the described situations or questions? What conclusions did you come to?
The article is based on a broadcast from the section #conversation_on_the_couch “Three foundations in raising children”