A person is made unhappy or happy only by
their thoughts, not by external circumstances. By managing
their thoughts, they manage their happiness.
Friedrich Nietzsche
A victim mentality destroys a person’s soul and life. While in a state of victimhood, a person moves away from the possibility of being happy. They allow resentment, anger, and fear to control their life.
For the signs to recognize the victim in yourself, read the article Why People Play the Victim Role and How This State Manifests.
Today you will learn how to get out of the victim state and fill your life with love and joy, where there is no room for complaints, regrets, anger, or judgment.
The ability to become a victim depends on character and the habit of reacting to situations.
Everyone ends up in unpleasant circumstances, but everyone reacts differently. In the same situations, people show themselves differently.
If one person, having lost their job, sees new opportunities in this and reveals their potential, another will fall into panic and feel like a victim of circumstances.
Or another example. A relationship ends. A creator-person will consider that the relationship has run its course, while a victim will see it as being abandoned.
This happens because the victim has become entrenched in their role, gotten used to behaving in a certain way, and doesn’t realize that other behavioral options exist.
To stop being a victim, you need to prescribe a new behavior model — learn to look at the problem more broadly and find a way out of an uncomfortable situation.
The state of a sufferer is a voluntary role, the person’s own choice — to be a martyr.
Becoming happy is not difficult; it’s enough to understand that you are not obliged to suffer.
How to Get Out of the Victim State
The following tips will help you stop expressing dissatisfaction and complaining, heal from the victim complex, and create a new harmonious reality for yourself.
1. Stop Blaming Yourself or Other People
Don’t look for someone to blame for the situation you find yourself in. Neither the people around you, nor especially you, are to blame for what happened.
A feeling of guilt drains your energy. No one is perfect. Everyone has the right to make mistakes.
Don’t judge others for the events that have occurred. You spend your vital energy on resentment, anger, and rage. As a result, you have no energy left to cope with the problem.
Every participant in the situation played some important role for you; you yourself asked for this on a soul level.
Understand, it’s not that you are being offended, but that you allow yourself to be offended. And don’t expect people to live up to your expectations.
You will learn about the nature of resentment by reading the article “It’s Impossible to Offend, You Can Only Take Offense.”
Thank people for pressing on your pain points and thereby forcing you to move towards a better life. And take measures to change your life.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Life and Make a Decision Independently
Realize that only you are responsible for your life and happiness. In any situation that has happened to you, the responsibility lies with you. You allowed the situation to unfold in this way.
Don’t expect someone to come and help you out of difficult circumstances. Don’t expect someone to offer you a solution while you passively accept help and advice without taking action.
Every time you find yourself in trouble, ask yourself: What exactly have I done to resolve and get out of this situation?
3. Stop attracting others’ attention with whining and self-pity
Find another way if you need that kind of attention. Make it so that when people notice you, they admire you, not pity you.
When sharing a situation, don’t complain, just share the information. Learn to express feelings instead of complaining: say “I feel hurt, I’m angry,” instead of “I did so much for them, and they…”
You can also share a state of well-being, talk about it, and infect those around you with a good mood.
Be viruses of happiness. This is much more beneficial and pleasant for both yourself and those around you.
4. Learn to find the wisdom in the situation
The trouble has already happened. You have two options: either fall into victimhood, or find something positive for yourself even in the worst situation.
The most difficult circumstances can turn into something good for you. Look for the positive in challenging situations.
Remember, everything that has happened to you is appropriate and carries its own deep meaning. Try to grasp it.
Ask higher powers to show you the wisdom of the situation if you can’t understand it on your own.
Ask yourself guiding questions that will help you find a way out of the situation:
- What is the purpose of this problem for me?
- In which direction should I move?
- What steps should I take to get closer to the desired result?
Discover 5 ways to find pearls of wisdom in any situation.
5. Live in the “Here and Now”
Don’t live in the past or the future. By rushing into the future, you miss something important for yourself in the present because you are living in fantasies and illusions.
And by getting stuck in the past, you burden yourself with the weight of old events, which prevents you from moving forward quickly and easily.
It’s like a suitcase without a handle – heavy and awkward to carry, but you just can’t bring yourself to throw it away.
To make the right decision and move forward, you need to be in a balanced state, in the here and now.
6. Believe in yourself and your strength
Everything that happens to you does not depend on external circumstances; it is a reflection of your inner state. Start loving yourself and value the experiences you’ve gained.
No one can handle your problems better than you.
7. Stop spiraling
Shift your attention to something else. Ruminating and going around in circles in your thoughts doesn’t solve the problem; it only sinks you deeper into a victim state.
Don’t waste your energy dwelling on negative thoughts. Instead, direct your energy toward solving the situation.
Think of something pleasant for you. This will help you emerge from a painful state and fill you with energy.
Catch the moments when and on whom you complain, over the course of a month. Observe and cut off the urges to feel sorry for yourself.
Having done it once, you will understand and remember the process itself — how to step out of the victim state. And by repeating it more than once, you will easily learn to switch.
As a result, you will completely stop getting stuck in a state of self-pity.
Caught yourself in such a state — analyzed it — grasped the essence — extracted the wisdom this situation revealed for you — smiled and went on to enjoy life further.
Read also: How Assumptions Ruin Your Life. Recipes for Stopping Overthinking
What to do if a loved one is in the role of a victim. How to behave with victims
It is easy to see in the people around you that a person is playing the role of a sufferer. It is harder to help a loved one step out of this game.
Being near a victim is difficult, often unbearable and painful. But until the person themselves wishes to leave this state, it is hard to help them from the outside.
Do not invalidate the feelings of loved ones
A personal story from Dina Utesheva, in which she shares her experience of how to guide a family member out of a painful state without falling into pity yourself.
“After the financial crisis, my husband was in depression for several years. I tried not to interfere, only strengthened myself to counter his blues with something. What helped me?
- He loved to repeat that in two months (two years, two centuries) we would have nothing to eat and we would all die anyway. That’s when I became firm in how useful it is to live Here and Now.
At some point, I stopped reacting to this and getting worked up in response, and simply answered that right now our fridge is full, and we’ll think about “later” later.
- I filled out a questionnaire from the book “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping, where I analyzed this situation from my side and tried to forgive and let it go.
- I gifted him certificates for a good massage, because men’s bodies suffer a lot, and they don’t always feel it themselves.
- When he started to loosen up a bit (and this coincided with the 12th anniversary of our meeting), I bought a photo frame for three pictures.
In two, I put his photos where he is smiling, and in the third — I wrote what I am grateful to him for and that I am very glad we are walking through life together and overcoming difficulties.
I suggested leaving all the problems in the old cycle and entering the new one with a clean slate.
In other words, I voiced my desires to the Universe and shared them with my husband :)))) Now this triptych hangs in our bedroom.
And most importantly, I understood from my own example that you should not invalidate a person’s feelings and say: “Oh come on, it’s nothing, it’ll pass.”
Because if they can cope with it, they will gain great strength, but if they resign themselves, they will live wounded.
You need to help without chewing things over, and you must not invalidate.”
Radiate a state of fullness
Advice from Alena Starovoitova, a fragment from a supporting webinar for clients of the Keys to Mastery Learning Center:
“If you see that your loved ones are struggling, that they are suffering, it’s impossible to get through to them when a person is in depression or a survival state. They won’t understand or hear you.
But you can transmit, radiate the energy of healing and love from within yourself with the permission of their Higher Self.
A state of fullness works well. In doing so, you pass their problems on to the Higher aspects for resolution.
On the other hand, you help and support, not with words and actions, but by transmitting a certain level of energy.”