In virtually every one of our articles, we talk about self-acceptance, about how important it is to respect yourself and embrace your power.
This is necessary for those who are still afraid to stand up for their opinion, who are used to staying silent and agreeing with everything that happens to them, even if there is protest inside.
But there are also those who hold grievances against people, believing that everyone owes them.
Both of these have nothing to do with awareness. Such behavior and thinking sustain a victim mentality, attract trouble, and lead away from the soul’s true purpose.
Read on to find out what happens when the expression of personal power turns into grievances, what the difference is between these concepts, and how to find balance.
What does “everyone owes me” mean, or grievances against people
When a person believes that everyone owes them, their consciousness is completely controlled by the ego. They think the world revolves around them alone.
They become indignant if something doesn’t go as promised. They demand their due, threaten, and refuse to compromise.
The criterion of “everyone owes me,” or in other words, grievances against people, is a sign of an undeveloped personality. This is how a child thinks, who believes everything is done for them and is not yet able to understand that the world is not limited to them alone.
In books and trainings on self-development and achieving success, the idea is actively promoted that the world exists for people, and we should enjoy all the benefits it offers.
It’s all for us, all people are equal, and everyone has the right to the best.
This is true, but many take it literally, thinking only of themselves and forgetting that this right applies to everyone around them.
Wherever they go, whatever services they use, they carry this truth everywhere — the world is for me.
This often turns into grievances: since it’s promised — deliver, and it doesn’t matter that there are certain conditions. Such people, for some reason, react hostilely to any deviation from what was promised.
Moreover, this deviation often arises from their internal image of how their right should be fulfilled. Sometimes they don’t even try to find out the exact terms of a given deal.
Read about what expectations lead to and why you need to let go of them.
You can often meet such people in various public places: restaurants, stores, and government agencies.
Recognizing only the tip of the iceberg of a proposal, they sometimes demand the impossible, things that were never stated, filling in the rest and assuming how it should work out for them.
For example, a person purchases a product or service, signs a contract with specified terms, often without reading it.
Later, when certain terms of that contract come into effect, the person indignantly approaches the seller, pointing out discrepancies between what they received and their expectations.
The person perceives this as deception on the seller’s part. Concessions are made to them, and they might even be offered the terms they wanted to smooth over the conflict, but they are no longer willing to compromise.
The mindset “everyone owes me” kicks in. I wanted to get this in that form from the start, and that’s it, now I’m going to sue you.
Or a picky customer in a restaurant who wants to squeeze every last drop out of the place for their money.
They have a picture in their head of how it should go: how they should be served, how long it should take for the dish to arrive, what it should taste like, and how it should look.
If even one thing doesn’t match up — a scandal: everyone owes me, I’m paying money.
Perhaps somewhere, at some place, they were served exactly that way, they liked it, they remembered it, and now they project that image onto every other establishment they visit.
The same can be said about relationships. A person has a certain image of what a partner should be like. Maybe they read it in a book, saw it in a movie, one of their parents was like that, or a friend has such a partner.
And now they apply this template to everyone they meet. And if someone doesn’t fit, they don’t hesitate to say so and reproach the person.
See also: Why it’s important to be flexible and how to learn it
What it means to be aware of your own worth and convey that state
When you truly begin to value yourself, your behavior changes:
- You don’t let other people walk all over you, violate your boundaries, deceive you, or humiliate you.
- You calmly and with dignity assert your rights and stop yourself in time if you feel you’re losing your temper.
- You set priorities for what’s more important in a specific situation: proving you’re right or maintaining your inner balance.
In this case, you are in control of yourself, rather than your ego dictating what you do; you are conscious.
- You understand that even though you have the right to get what you want, you may not be given it. And you accept this.
Because, according to the law of free will and choice, a person has the right to do what they want and not do what they don’t want. No one owes you anything.
There are no guarantees that you will get it. You trust the universe and know that you will have everything you need.
- You don’t limit yourself to one specific option for fulfilling a need; you don’t get attached to a specific method or person who might help resolve the situation.
Agreements exist here, but inside you understand there is a probability that the other party may not fulfill them.
Like in relationships: promising doesn’t mean marrying. Today there is love, a man says he loves you, will marry you, and tomorrow the love is gone, and he has changed his mind. In this case, you shouldn’t demand that he marry you.
You assume you are living in the present moment. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, or how conditions and the situation might change, and no one can guarantee anything.
- You realize that you cannot demand more than what is stipulated in the agreements with the other party.
See also: 10 principles of a conscious person
If these principles are not yet fully internalized within you, and you understand you need to act this way but are still held back by fear or insecurity, use the mantra “I am within my rights.”
Mantra “I am within my rights”
At one of Alena Starovoitova’s trainings, the topic of value was touched upon, and as a result, this mantra was born — “I am within my rights.”
This exercise is very effective; it develops the center of power, the solar plexus. And if you have finally decided to accept your power, this exercise will be useful for you.
In any situation where you feel your rights are being violated, or you are not getting what you are owed, repeat this mantra to yourself — I am within my rights.
It acts as a switch from the state of a silent, humble victim of circumstances to a state of confidence.
At first, it will be unusual and scary to even declare it to yourself, but later it will become easier and easier for you to do.
On the path to realizing your own value, when you are learning to prove your point, put yourself first, and speak up for yourself, it is helpful to create situations for yourself where you need to stand up for your right.
Until you feel that in any situation you can express your opinion and demand the best — that which you are rightfully worthy of.
But you shouldn’t get carried away with this or cross the line when pride and ego grow, and you start putting yourself above others.
See also: Why is it so hard to learn to value yourself
Read how to cultivate this feeling inside so you can radiate your own value in every action, thought, deed, in any situation
What happens when a person shifts into making demands
If you have constantly refused what is rightfully yours, silenced your needs and desires to please others for the sake of their good attitude, and then suddenly declared that you are taking back your power, it is important not to fall into the opposite extreme — “everyone owes me.”
A person realizes they are within their rights and starts walking over others, without thinking about the pain they cause. They forget about the feelings of others, about the fact that everyone has the right to choose what to do and what not to do.
People are often prone to extremes in various situations and behaviors. If they have been without something for a long time and then receive it, they do not know moderation.
Sometimes this happens to people who have embarked on the path of spiritual development and realized their own worth. They fall into a trap and think: since I am so valuable, everyone owes me. I absolutely must get what is rightfully mine.
Their right is not canceled if they have been shortchanged. But in such a situation, a person forgets the true purpose of their actions, spits on agreements, and is overtaken by a desire to prove their worth by any means.
They think they are proving to themselves and others that they are valuable, but in reality, they are surrendering themselves to the power of the ego and emotions.
Having grievances against people is an indicator that you are repressing certain qualities from your consciousness. The course “Dance with the Shadow 3.0” will help you figure this out.
You will be able to understand what you are hiding from yourself, accept your behavior, and release the energy you use for your own development.
How to Find Balance Between Grievances and Awareness of Your Worth
When you have accepted the fact that you have the right to all the best, it is important to remain human and not cross the line where you start making demands on people.
In a situation where you feel you need to prove your right, ask yourself, why are you doing this. Do you really need it, or is it a matter of principle?
This question will keep you focused on your goal, and you will avoid unnecessary conflicts and preserve your inner state.
Ask yourself: who is speaking in me, whose desire to prove is this? Is it the ego, which is afraid of not being up to par, which cares about others’ opinions?
Or am I defending myself because it is necessary right now?
Keep your focus on the goal — why you need this — and think several steps ahead — where this decision and behavior will lead.
It is a mistake to think that you absolutely must prove you are right, otherwise you will end up being a weakling again. These are the machinations of the ego.
Know how to listen to yourself. Sometimes it is more important not to do certain things if they are not essential or important to you right now.
See also: Grievances in Relationships. What Space a Woman Creates for a Man
Always choose vertical communication, soul-to-soul communication, be above circumstances.
Sometimes you can not get something, allow others to be right, give in. But in doing so, you will preserve much more — you will preserve yourself.