In this article, you’ll find answers to questions from some of our listeners on the topic of how to part ways with a man when being together is impossible:
- why people from the past, former partners, and husbands come back
- why it’s better to leave past relationships in the past
- can you make your husband stop flirting on the side
- how to end a relationship if the kids are drawn to their dad, and more
Why People from the Past Come Back
Comment: “A loved one from the past, we communicated for many years, disappeared for three months. Then he popped up on WhatsApp asking to meet. I automatically blocked him, and my mind started blaming me.”
The feeling of guilt most likely came from being afraid of stepping on the same rake again.
But I usually answer other questions, like: “An ex showed up and is singing praises again, love songs. What if we have a future?”
People from the past come back so you can take back your energy, if you haven’t let them go yet. No matter how many years have passed, it’s not always easy to release people.
Especially when there are unresolved issues or, say, no understanding of why things happened, what went wrong, and so on. Plus, how long you fed on hope that maybe everything would return.
There are so many little untied knots that need to be undone.
I, on the contrary, think it’s a healthy reaction to block them, because if you know you’re easily infatuated, get drawn in, and invest in codependency, how else can you protect yourself?
First, hit that button, then, once you’ve come to your senses after the shock and balanced yourself, write a ready response: “Not interested, I don’t want to, but I’d be curious to know where you disappeared to back then? But I’m not ready for contact, I’ve rebuilt my life.”
We Just Can’t Seem to Break Up with the Man
Comment: “We just can’t seem to break up with the man, even though we feel there’s no future together.”
Call things by their name — that’s one of the most important steps. “I’m freaking out, I’m emotional, I’m angry, I want to break up.”
As long as it’s all vague and roundabout, the result will match.
Learn to think internally so that you are always the main character.
To do this, write it down, spell it out, and you’ll see how vaguely you’re dancing around it. In key places, instead of “I,” you have “we” or “they.”
See also: Divorce Through the Lens of Spirituality. How to Get Through It While Preserving Yourself
The Past Should Stay in the Past
Comment: “I dragged it out for a long time, my ex and I were friends to each other, and it was energetically draining. We decided to finally and irrevocably end the relationship, and it got easier. The past should stay in the past.”
It should, but many people just aren’t ready, especially women.
There are many women who are internally codependent on men: “I can’t handle the kids alone.”
You can devalue yourself as much as you want, but if you don’t start preparing a safety net, laying the groundwork that if it ever happens, you could manage, then it’ll hit you like a bucket of cold water later.
If you’ve been in a situation where you were left, divorced, or left with a child — meaning you went through a critical situation where you were the injured party — it should have become a big challenge and a colossal stimulus for change for you.
I got my power back through this because there were no options; I had to hustle, move, and do everything myself.
How to make your husband stop flirting on the side
Question: “A year and a half after the birth of our child, my husband starts flirting on the side: texts, dating chats. Before this, our relationship was affectionate, tender, and caring. How do I stop this behavior?”
No way. Accept it, be ready that he could leave at any moment.
I gave the example with a glass: when you hold it so tightly you’re shaking, it’s impossible to take it from you. You’re also being tossed around because you’re tied to another person.
But when your glass simply and freely rests in your open palm — it’s there, good; it’s not there, also good — that’s the state of neutrality.
What’s good about it is a separate question. But when you’re clinging to something, and in those moments feelings of possessiveness and fear of loss kick in, you start holding on with all your might and working yourself up.
Right away, the broken record starts playing: “I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I did something wrong,” or it shows up as blaming your husband: “jerk, parasite, all men are bastards.”
As long as you’re holding on with all your strength, the situation follows a well-worn path, and there will be no improvement.
So no matter what you’re holding on to, it’s always helpful to loosen your grip. If it leaves — good; if it doesn’t leave — also good. This is an inner stance: stop grabbing, stop clinging.
And immediately your mind will respond: “three kids, one is little, I can’t handle it.”
Write down all these beliefs and attitudes, and little by little, untie all these knots until you feel good.
Because the time when we held on to partners just because we could only survive together is over. We’ve become more self-sufficient, more mature, wiser, and basically, a partner isn’t needed for survival. Especially if you’ve let go of society’s judgments.
You have the strength to handle everything — three, five, ten kids. And this isn’t the end of life. Women with three kids get married again; you can re-enter a relationship. But all of that comes after you’ve let go.
And there can be different surprises, different twists. There’s no guarantee the person will come to their senses; it’s just that you will stop creating the tension that you’re generating now. And the tighter you hold on, the more tension you generate, the more you create.
See also: How a love triangle arises from an energetic perspective
How to make a choice. The illusion of choosing between two options
Comment: “I need to decide whether to stay with my husband or move to another country with three children. My eldest daughter is entering university, and I need to choose between an institute in Kaliningrad/Moscow or staying in Kazakhstan.”
I once picked up a really cool trick from financial analysts.
When you’re choosing between two elements, it’s not a choice; it’s an illusion of choice. A real choice begins when there are three positions.
When you walk this path (dualistic thinking), choosing between two options, you are focused on either this or that.
One option excludes the other. I need to either do this or do that. When this kind of thinking appears in your head, know that you are not seeing the third, fourth, fifth, and many more options. And they are almost certainly there.
Furthermore, few people actually write down the pros and cons, and it is truly important to write them down.
Write down the advantages and disadvantages of each choice in a column: option one, option two, option three. Otherwise, it is not a choice.
Then again, you haven’t written down “stay with my husband or move.” Again, you could move without your husband while still maintaining the relationship; there are too many variables.
Stay with your husband long-distance, live in different cities, or divorce your husband and leave. It is important to add specifics to each choice and determine for yourself how balanced or unbalanced it is for you.
See also: Why you choose between bad and worse and how to move to multi-option choices
How to completely break off a relationship if the children are drawn to their father
Question: “How do I completely break off a relationship if the children are drawn to their father?”
Your task as a mother is to preserve the children’s relationship with their father. If you do not support it at all and put him on ignore, you will be ensuring your children need therapy for decades.
I would ask myself a different question: what is it that you cannot let go of, if you are trying to do this?
For children to grow up healthy, if there is a living parent who communicates and interacts, it is advisable to maintain that communication. If there is no living parent, bring in grandparents so they are present in the child’s life.
This is not about the ancestral system, but there must be a balance of masculine and feminine.
Unfortunately, women most often turn children against their father, and as a result, psychologists and psychotherapists will have job security for many years, thanks to those hysterical women who take revenge for their own complexes.
See also: A child grows up without a father — What to do?
This article is based on broadcast #17 Ask KM