After a short break, I continue answering questions sent by readers of the Keys of Mastery website.
The question we will look at this week came from Elena Turbina.
I don’t know if my question is burning, but I would really like to understand those reactions of mine towards people that appeared after the flash mob “7 Spiritual Laws.”
A friend, after I told her about it, said that I had turned into a rude person. I’ll share just two rather vivid cases.
After a visit to social security (I was applying for a subsidy for my child’s first grade), I came to work and shared it with the women. At social security, they recommended also applying for a child benefit, but only God knows what kind of line you have to stand in there. One of the women from work started scolding me for not applying for this benefit (300 rubles), saying that I was depriving my child of money, and so on and so forth.
At first, I explained to her that I didn’t have the time or opportunity, but she wouldn’t calm down and kept going on about what a jerk I was, depriving my child of a pittance. After that, I hinted to her a couple of times that she was, to put it mildly, sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, but she didn’t get it. Then I told her outright that she should count her own money first, and I would somehow handle mine myself.
She got very offended and didn’t talk to me for half a day (I can’t say I felt bad about it).
And the second case was at a bus stop. During the rain, a lot of people gathered under the shelter at the stop, including children. Then a man came up, stood in the middle, and lit a cigarette. I have bad bronchi, and I react to it.
Usually (when it’s not raining) I try to find a spot at the stop myself so I don’t have to breathe in tobacco smoke.
Although it’s sometimes very difficult, because there are A LOT of smokers here.
But this time I asked him to step out of the shelter or put out his cigarette, since there were children standing there too. After a brief argument, he did put out his cigarette. He said he lives in a free country and can do whatever he wants.
I was sure I was doing the right thing, but my friend called me rude, and I tried to become kind and fluffy again, as usual. Why did I have such a reaction after the webinar??????????????????
Answer:
Wonderful questions, Elena. I was genuinely happy when I read your letter ))
Because the situation you described is very telling for many…
Let’s start with the most important thing — with your friend’s opinion that you became rude, and why this appeared after going through a transformational program (in this case, the flash mob).
You have changed. Your view of the world and the people around you has changed. You have started to treat yourself differently: you understand that you are the most valuable person in your life, that you need to put yourself and your interests first, only then are you in a resourceful state — harmonious, calm, joyful — and then you can give much more to your loved ones and friends who are mired in doubt, dissatisfaction, and stress.
You react completely differently to events in your life: you don’t get drawn into gossip and criticism, and when necessary, you set your boundaries…
Moreover, you begin to feel that some experiences, even unpleasant ones, are given so that a person has the opportunity to change, which means you understand that sometimes it is worth letting a person go through their own lessons themselves, rather than rushing to solve them for them.
How do those who have known you for many years and are used to different behavior react to this?
With misunderstanding!
They say you have become indifferent, unable to empathize and show compassion, or, as in your case, they slap the label of “a rude person” on you.
This is a normal reaction from someone to whom everything you have been through is alien…
And then you are faced with a choice: continue your own transformation process, regardless of outside opinion, or “give in” and fit back into the usual framework and rules.
Everyone makes their own choice. Often, a very difficult one.
Because this can and does lead to a complete change of your environment, to losing contact with friends and acquaintances.
Absolutely every person who decides to change their life for the better goes through this.
And no matter how difficult it may be, ahead are new friends and partners who value you not for meeting THEIR expectations, but for who you are… today and tomorrow.
Let’s move on.
You provoked the conflict when communicating with your colleagues yourself. Who forced you to discuss your own actions? Why did you do that?
To express your indignation or to get confirmation that you did the right thing?
Essentially, you brought your decision to a public trial. And when pressure started being applied to you, you tried to put up a “wall”…
Look at it from your colleagues’ point of view: they were given an opportunity to gossip, and then you tried to take it away.
Your personal life concerns only you and your loved ones, and no one else. Not even your parents.
If you need support, share it with close like-minded friends who can listen carefully and shed light on what you don’t see yourself.
Not with those you are used to calling friends, but with those who truly understand you…
And the last situation at the bus stop. The scandal flared up because of your internal grievance towards the man who was smoking.
If you cannot stand the smell of tobacco, moreover, it has a detrimental effect on your health, you have every right to remove yourself from that situation. In an enclosed space, it would be a justified request to put out the cigarette.
I myself react in a similar way when I hear someone swearing in my presence. I turn around and explain WHY it is unpleasant for me, and ask them to refrain from it.
I have never once seen anyone become aggressive, even with guys who have been drinking.
Because the request is dictated not by a grievance against the person who allowed themselves to do it — they have the right to act as they wish… but not in the presence of other people. It comes from an internal position on this matter. Without aggression or judgment.
The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, don’t work yourself up: “How dare he?! how could he, there are children here? Is he really such an idiot that he doesn’t understand simple things?!”
Instead, accept that the person is acting as they see fit, and in principle, they have the right to do so.
But you care about a different outcome, so you ASK them to reconsider their actions.
You will see for yourself how much a person’s reaction changes… Most likely, they will respond to your words with an uncharacteristic understanding and approval.
Thank all these people for beautifully playing their role, helping you see HOW MUCH you have changed… And don’t stop at what you’ve achieved!