Traditionally, women are assigned certain roles, without which it is impossible for a woman to find happiness — to get married, to realize herself in relationships, to become a mother.
If a woman fails to do this for some reason, she falls into anxiety about her future and experiences strong dissatisfaction with herself and her life.
Today we will touch on several programs that negatively affect women’s lives and prevent them from being happy.
Despite the fact that we have long settled into the 21st century, our society has not yet gotten rid of outdated programs regarding female destiny and self-realization.
I have identified 4 programs that, to one degree or another, guide women’s thoughts and actions. Let’s move on to them.
4 negative programs that prevent a woman from finding happiness
«It often happens that a person considers happiness far from themselves, but it has already come to them with silent steps.»
Giovanni Boccaccio
Fear of being alone, being labeled an «old maid», or a woman’s happiness in marriage
The female nature is structured in such a way that we need to realize ourselves in relationships. This is a natural need.
But when it grows into an obsessive idea: «If it doesn’t work out — life is a failure!», then it greatly poisons life.
Women begin to look for flaws in themselves, asking the question: «Well, what is wrong with me?»
Guided by this program, they mistakenly believe that one must be beautiful and perfect in every way to attract a partner. And only marriage will help them find happiness.
Some develop complexes and give up, others improve their appearance — lose weight, get plastic surgery, and try in every way to fit themselves into generally accepted norms and standards of beauty.
But if even after all these “efforts” they fail to find a permanent worthy partner, they think that the men they meet are not right, or they blame themselves for not being good enough.
Read the article Why It Is So Hard to Find a Soulmate, from which you will learn what actually needs to be done to meet a worthy partner and find family happiness.
The belief that a woman should be the keeper of the hearth
Or in other words — to be a good wife. This belief truly hinders a woman’s genuine happiness.
In rare families, girls are taught that the main thing in marital relationships is love and trust. And a woman’s primary duty is to maintain this love, preserve intimacy, which is what it means to keep the family hearth.
But many interpret this phrase incorrectly, considering a woman’s duty to ideally manage the household, cook deliciously, maintain a cozy home, be a good lover to her husband, and always be in a good mood.
Because of this, women take on too much, and if they fail, they consider themselves losers. They blame themselves if a marriage breaks up: “A good wife’s husband won’t leave.”
And how many families are there where a woman performs all these functions, and outwardly the relationship looks ideal, but inside there is neither trust, nor emotional comfort in each other’s presence, nor a sense of closeness and support.
Because it is impossible to preserve love and deep relationships if you care about appearances, if you constantly sacrifice yourself and forget about your own interests.
Listen to the audio recording “Be a Goddess. But How?” Wise sayings and recommendations from Svetlana Dobrovolskaya on what can help improve family relationships.
The Belief That Every Woman Must Give Birth
This program dictates to a woman that she absolutely must become a mother. And if she cannot, it causes immense suffering both for the woman herself and for her man.
Confident that a woman can only find happiness when she gives birth, she often turns her life into a pursuit of someone else’s dream.
Once I heard the phrase “barren flower,” which referred to those who cannot or do not want to get pregnant. It was hurtful because in my life, relationships either didn’t work out, or my partner didn’t want children.
I considered myself guilty, a failure, not a real woman.
And the humiliating word “elderly primipara,” which was used in maternity hospitals for women from the age of 26! (thankfully, this “term” has now been abandoned), forced many to rush into motherhood.
At a time when there was no moral readiness to start a family at all.
A subconscious, deep-seated need not to be worse than others makes women think they absolutely must give birth. And when this need clashes with the true intentions of the soul, a conflict arises.
That’s why the suffering: “It doesn’t work out, I’m not the way I should be!”
See also How to realize your feminine value
Get 10 tips on how to truly start valuing yourself.
Surely in your circle there are acquaintances who, by physical parameters, are capable of having children, but nothing works out.
Based on personal experience, I assume that a number of reasons prevent this:
- self-realization in creativity, career,
- a certain lifestyle that a woman cannot or does not want to give up for the sake of a child,
- dislike of children.
Often it is one of these reasons that is a hidden benefit why a woman cannot get pregnant.
The program dictates to her: “You must give birth,” but the soul says: “I don’t want to!”
If you determine whose beliefs and desires guide you, everything in your life will gradually fall into place.
If the desire to have a child turns out to be genuine, you will definitely find a compromise in which your life interests are not infringed upon.
The desire to be a good mother
There is a persistent belief that a woman’s happiness lies in children. This attitude is especially common among women who could not give birth for a long time or who were deprived of maternal love.
Driven by the desire to have a child, and the second category — to love their child and give them everything, women seem to make a vow to be a good mother, to devote themselves to the baby.
But they do not always realize what they mean by this concept.
If earlier the «requirements» for a mother boiled down to the child being supervised, well-mannered, fed, hydrated, washed, dressed, and walked on time — this was what it meant to show love for a child.
Now, in the age of the internet, there is a huge amount of available information about raising and developing children.
A woman driven by this program cannot choose what is important for her and her child, but takes as a guide to action absolutely everything offered in books and articles.
Added to this are various forums and communities of advanced moms, where they share their achievements as if it were a competition to see who is better. This generates even more complexes and self-doubt among young mothers.
And the original intent of the desire to «be a good mother» — to give love to the child — is lost. The inability to listen to oneself and the baby traps a woman in a snare from which it is not easy to escape.
As a result, we get a tormented mother suffering from feelings of guilt and helplessness because she cannot measure up to something or someone.
See also 8 lessons of motherhood, or How to use maternity leave for spiritual development
If you recognize yourself in this description, stop and try to untangle this tangle of definitions imposed by society.
Listen to your child’s needs, understand what they need. Perhaps not everything considered mandatory is good for them.
The main thing, in my opinion, that any child needs is a mother’s love and a sense of security. And that is exactly what you wanted to give them from the very beginning.
Write down on a sheet of paper the qualities and actions that define you as a good mother.
Study it carefully and mark those definitions that you personally consider important and primary. Also mark those actions that make your little one happy.
Cross out the rest. You are a living person and cannot physically keep up with everything.
Review the list regularly. You and your child change, their needs change, and you become more experienced. Perhaps some needs will fall away or new ones will appear.
See also «The A-student» — a complex or a soul’s task
In the article, we will figure out where this desire to be the best at everything comes from.
It is important not to be a good mother, but to build such a relationship with your little one that you both feel comfortable with each other.
Therefore, put love for your child at the forefront, make decisions based on that feeling. Do not allow society in the form of parents, acquaintances, or medical staff to violate your boundaries by judging your decisions as a mother.
Everyone has the right to make mistakes. There is no school that teaches how to become good parents — this role is played by our life experience, the ability to show feelings, give in when needed, forgive ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them.
I have only briefly touched on these programs. Although each of them deserves a separate article, if not several.
Undoubtedly, a woman’s happiness includes each of these needs and desires, but when this grows into a necessary condition, the woman falls into a trap of beliefs and moves away from what she truly wants.
My goal today is to bring these beliefs to light, if they exist in your subconscious, so that they stop guiding your decisions.
Just 10 years ago, these programs were an integral part of many women’s thinking. It was practically impossible to see your true self behind them.
Now these thought patterns are dissolving, and the motives for behavior stemming from these programs are surfacing.
This is becoming such an absurdity that many are already refusing to follow it and choosing themselves, while others, looking at them, begin to think about their own lives, which is also a big step toward awareness.
In the next article on this topic, we will talk about what it means to be a woman, and you will understand that you can find happiness not only through external self-realization as a mother and wife.