This is the final article on the topic of “what hinders self-discipline.” In it, we will continue our exploration of the core fears that stand in the way of achieving success.
If you haven’t read the first part, be sure to do so.
In this one, we’ll talk about the fear of lowering the bar, the fear of responsibility, danger, envy, the fear of being disappointed in yourself, and the fear of disappointing your parents.
At the very end of the article, you’ll get a list of questions to bring these fears to the surface. For those who want to dig deeper, it will be very useful.
Get ready, it’s going to be interesting!
“Fear of Lowering the Bar”
When an outstanding result is achieved, a fear may arise that next time you won’t be able to do as well. This problem often plagues artists, musicians, and writers. That is, people whose work involves releasing one creation after another into the world.
For example, a writer achieves fame. If the fear of lowering the bar lives within them, they will start to worry that their next work won’t be as captivating as the previous one. They are afraid that readers will pass a verdict: “they’ve lost their touch” or “they’re not what they used to be.”
The fear of lowering the bar becomes a problem if the uncertainty about the next success paralyzes action. By the way, people in non-creative professions are also susceptible to this fear. For example, athletes whose results need to get better every time.
Like any other fears, this fear serves a protective function. It protects us from the unpleasant feelings caused by the disappointment of others. What are these feelings? They are different for everyone. Some feel guilt, some feel shame, and some feel dejection.
In general, the fear of lowering the bar doesn’t really exist either. There is only the fear that, because of poor results, those who admired our previous victories will stop loving us. It is the fear of losing love, of being abandoned, and of reliving the whole range of negative feelings.
Across the expanse of the former USSR, the practice of instilling the fear of lowering the bar was widespread. It was often used by parents when they scolded their children for getting a B or motivated them with encouragement like: “you could have done better,” “why not an A?” or “you didn’t try hard enough this time!”
This fear was instilled by sports coaches, expressing their dissatisfaction with words like: “I don’t like your results today. You were doing so well before! What’s wrong with you?”
Modern parents understand that old parenting methods are unacceptable because they traumatize the child, destroying their self-confidence. It’s better to support the child and let them know you believe in them.
Have you discovered the fear of lowering the bar? Write down the emotions that arise when a new result is worse than the previous one. Write down the feelings that the disappointment of others in your results evokes.
Think and write down what unpleasant things could happen if the next result really is worse than the previous one? Later, you’ll need to work through this thoroughly.
“Fear of Responsibility”
There is a great multitude of variations on the theme: “Why does a person avoid responsibility?” As you might have guessed, everyone expects their own consequences and their own troubles.
One person is afraid that failing to fulfill their obligations will cause disappointment in their loved ones and they will stop trusting them. Another is afraid of punishment from those to whom they are responsible. A third will say they will lose their reputation in people’s eyes, and then people will love, value, and respect them less.
Everyone has their own expectations. Everyone has their own story. And for clarity, I suggest looking at a small example from real life.
To cultivate obedience and responsibility, some parents demand that a child take on certain obligations and, under emotional pressure, insist that they verbally promise to behave in a specific way.
Understandably, the child doesn’t need this at all. In reality, parents often impose their personal interests under the guise of instilling the best qualities in a young, growing… communist? A robot that will humbly follow the instructions set by the state?
Why is obedience instilled in children by ignoring their personal desires and feelings? Isn’t this a veiled preparation for a compliant, weak-willed citizen who is convenient for the state?
But let’s return to the example. As soon as the child breaks the promise made ONLY to escape parental pressure, they are immediately punished, with the words: “How could you? You promised!”
But the limbic system doesn’t sleep! It remembers all the negativity from the punishments, draws its conclusions, and in the future signals with fear. And the longer parents do this, the greater the child’s resistance, and the greater their surprise: “Why are you so irresponsible?”
End of story.
To understand the causes of the fear of responsibility, it’s necessary to find out what a person expects will happen if they drop the burden and stop adhering to their promised actions?
By repeating the question: “And what would happen then?” (from Clean Language), it’s necessary to identify the most emotionally unpleasant probable outcome and write it down in a notebook to work with later.
“Fear of Danger”
Would starting your own business turn out to be dangerous for your loved ones? Won’t corrupt authorities take my profits? Won’t my children become victims of extortionists? What if I go bankrupt? What if there’s no income? How will I feed my family? Will I end up on the street?
All these thoughts are dictated by the fear of possible danger and the fear of unpleasant consequences from an unsuccessful attempt to reach a new level of self-realization and income.
Where does fear come from? There are many sources: mass media, personal experience, parents’ warnings, friends’ stories. You yourself know plenty of examples.
To explore the fear of danger, it’s worth asking the question: “What unpleasant things could happen if I were to…” and write down all the possible answers that come to mind. For each answer, it’s worth developing the chain of events with the questions: “And if … happens, what unpleasant things would happen then?”, “And what would I feel then?”
If you notice that the fear of danger is really throwing a wrench in your productivity, you should study it in more detail and make the appropriate notes in your workbook.
I hope this fear is clear, because the principle is the same as with the others.
“Fear of Disappointing Myself”
When a person is firmly convinced that they are talented in a certain area, another trap of the mind may be waiting for them — the fear of being disappointed in their own abilities.
For example, back in third grade, I noticed that I liked writing funny stories. People around me often said I had a talent. Over time, this thought firmly settled in my head, and each new piece strengthened my confidence: I am a writer by nature.
I don’t know how it happened, but one day I inflated the importance of this statement. It became my fixation, which began to need reinforcement ONLY with outstanding results. The text had to be written brilliantly. Otherwise…
Well, you get it, right? 🙂
I fell into the trap of inflated importance. A fear of falling in my own eyes was born within me. This became the reason for the desire to write quickly, easily, and straight into a final draft. But that doesn’t happen every day!
So in moments when writing came to me with great difficulty, I got upset. How could this be? After all, I’m a natural-born writer! 🙂 And my blog, meanwhile, suffered from a lack of new topics…
“The famous blogger Ivan Pirog,” if you will. Found myself a big shot. The sense of self-importance and the desire to maintain this image played a nasty trick on me, friends. But in reality, I’m an ordinary person with a bunch of my own quirks. No worse and no better than you.
It’s even funny to recall now. But it was a good lesson for me! And a very clear example of the fear of being disappointed in one’s own abilities.
As with the examples of other fears, first and foremost, you should pay attention to the negative emotional experiences that the brain wants to avoid. What feelings would disappointment in your talent evoke? What is the most unpleasant part about it?
By the way, did you notice that the fear of disappointment is similar to the fear of failure? One signals that others will criticize you, and the other signals disappointment in yourself and self-criticism. Both are united by failure on the chosen path. Both are dangerous traps scattered on the road to success.
Be careful!
In short, if you resonated with the topic, don’t forget to make notes in your workbook.
“The Fear of Disappointing Parents”
We’ll talk about this fear briefly, because the name speaks for itself. If parents place expectations on a child that they absolutely must become this or that, it can become a significant obstacle in their self-realization.
Especially if the path chosen by the child goes against the parents’ views.
The fear of disappointing parents, which leads a person away from their right path, is generated by statements like:
- “What kind of dancer are you? That’s not serious! Go to university.”
- “What kind of artist are you? They don’t earn much.”
- “Stop howling! You’re not singing, you’re howling.”
- “Oh, don’t make me laugh…”
- “Well, well, we’ll see, we’ll see…”
- “We are upset that you decided to…”
- “Why do you need this?”
- “A writer’s work is difficult and thankless…”
- “You’ll start again, not finish, and quit. Better to…”
- “You must become a doctor.”
What feelings could your parents’ disappointment in your choice evoke, if the chosen path contradicts their expectations? This is the first question to ask if the unwillingness to upset your parents is hindering your success.
The principle of fear is standard: a person avoids unpleasant experiences that MIGHT happen IF the parents get upset. In reality, the fear might be a pure illusion and the probability of parental disappointment is zero. Or, maybe not.
The limbic system isn’t interested in that. It silently performs its function — it signals fear that such a situation is possible. And it doesn’t care that childhood is long gone, and that an adult has the right to make decisions independently.
Write down the fear if it’s present. If not, send thanks to your parents! 🙂
“Fear of Envy”
Achieving success can make a person a target of envy. Those who have experienced it know what unpleasant consequences the actions of envious people can bring.
Why is envy dangerous?
- Envious people may mock and devalue the results of your work;
- They may spread slander, destroying your reputation with their gossip;
- They may demonstratively organize a boycott;
- They may take away the results of your work;
- They may do all sorts of nasty things;
Personally, I find it hard to understand people who rush to throw mud at the object of their envy. And do you understand the motives of such people?
But let’s get back to the brain. If a person achieves tangible results and, at the same time, often becomes a victim of envy, their limbic system may establish an emotional defense against the recurrence of such situations.
What kind of defense? It will start sending a fear signal if it decides that success might provoke envy. It will quietly whisper in your ear: “Hey, you’d better not do this! It could end badly.” And the more unpleasant experience you have in the past, the more diligently the protective mechanisms of the limbic system will inform you of potential danger.
Life situations that strengthen the fear of envy can be very diverse. The variety here is truly vast! But for clarity, I’ll still give an example.
Imagine a family with three children. One child is more outstanding and noticeable. They show success in various areas, for which they are often praised. They receive more parental love and attention than the others. They are held up as an example, and others are compared to them.
But the other two receive less parental attention. They find it very unpleasant when they are compared to the third child. Over time, they develop a dislike for the gifted child, which gradually turns into hidden hatred. And when the adults aren’t around, they start to conflict with the parents’ favorite.
So year after year passes, and the number of bumps and bruises the outstanding child gets steadily grows. Anything can happen in the future, but one possible outcome is the birth of a fear of envy in the third child, which will one day manifest in adult life.
If the words “fear of envy” resonate with you, I recommend recalling and writing down several related situations. Try to understand what is most unpleasant for you in these situations. Write down what feelings and emotions you experienced in those moments.
Think about what other unpleasant situations could hypothetically happen if someone were to envy your successes.
“What Questions Are Used to Explore Fears?”
There is a great multitude of such fears. They block the self-realization of great minds and hold them back from great achievements. And if you don’t deal with them in time, you may suffer a great defeat.
There.
Studying personal fears is an important step on the path to freeing yourself from laziness, self-sabotage, perfectionism, and procrastination. But it’s worth remembering that this is only part of the work. From recognizing fears, you must move on to working on overcoming them.
To identify fears, I recommend the following set of questions:
- “What unpleasant thing could happen/occur if I start to actively act, move toward achieving my goal/dream?”
- “What troubles might await me then?”
- “What will I feel during this?”
- “What will happen next?”
- “What emotions will this trigger?”
- “How will I feel about myself?”
- “And what will happen next if this does occur?”
- “What is the most unpleasant thing for me in this situation?”
You can combine the questions and ask them repeatedly. In skilled hands, they work wonders. I highly recommend it!
“Conclusion”
I believe that one day there will come a moment when people learn to transmit vast layers of knowledge to each other in mere seconds. It’s a shame that such an opportunity doesn’t exist today.
So I have to work within the limits of an article and wrap up the narrative somewhere…
Well then. We’ve covered a fairly large topic of protective fears. Look for information on how to work with them in modern psychotherapeutic methods, and also check in on my blog from time to time. I’m always glad to see you.
Thank you to everyone who stayed until the end. See you soon!
Ivan Pirog