One of the core values of the Keys of Mastery project is taking full responsibility for everything that happens in your life.
We encourage you not to give away your power, to seek answers within yourself, to learn to solve problems on your own, rather than shifting them onto others.
But there are situations when it is simply necessary to ask for help:
- to ask a pressing question about something you are not competent in,
- to request a favor or a promotion.
For some people, even small requests cause inner discomfort; they find it hard to ask others for help.
They think: “I’d rather do without it or figure it out myself than ask someone.”
If you belong to this category, then let’s explore what lies behind it.
6 reasons why people find it hard to ask for outside help
I have identified 4 reasons why people refuse to ask for help, even when they truly need it. The last two reasons were suggested by blog readers.
1. Fear of rejection
This is why many people are afraid to ask for help. They believe they will definitely be turned down.
Its root lies in childhood, when close people (parents, siblings) refused you or forbade you from something.
Now you don’t ask, not because you fear the rejection itself, but because you are afraid of feeling that sting of pain again.
You have decided that you are unworthy of any help and have learned to manage on your own. This is a very useful skill that develops resourcefulness and additional abilities.
But sometimes outside help is necessary, for example, if you are lost in an unfamiliar city and your GPS is leading you completely in the wrong direction.
Before making a request, come to terms with the possibility of rejection. Let go of the expectation that you will be helped. And then ask for what you cannot do on your own.
If they refuse, you won’t feel intense discomfort because you will already be prepared.
If you are often refused, perhaps it is a mirror. Take a closer look at how you respond to requests for help. Do you help people yourself, or do you turn away indifferently?
Healing your inner child will help you believe that you are worthy of outside help.
2. Fear of looking stupid
Subconsciously, you do not accept the fact that you cannot know and do everything.
It is not scary to ask about something you don’t know. It is scary not to ask and become a hostage to your fear, ending up in an awkward situation.
What we fear and hide from others is usually written all over our faces.
Set your priorities.
What is more important to you: that some stranger thinks you are not very smart and you drag out solving an important issue for a long time, or allowing yourself not to know something, asking others, and solving your problem in a matter of minutes?
Learn to accept yourself in all your forms: both smart and unknowing, using the methods from the article How to learn to accept yourself: 6 ways.
3. Asking for help is perceived as humiliation
If you were often refused in the past, asking for help feels humiliating to you.
You still remember how, as a child, you asked a peer for a toy car and they said no.
You cried bitterly, begged them to let you play — it truly was humiliating for a small child, dependent on their parents and the outside world.
Or you asked your mom to buy you a toy, and she refused. Not because you were bad or undeserving, not to hurt you, but simply because your parents didn’t have the money.
Now you’re an adult and you understand this. You are no worse than anyone else and you have the right to get what you ask for.
There is nothing humiliating about asking for help. When someone asks you for help, does it feel like humiliation to you? I don’t think so.
The meditation My Worth will help you believe in yourself and boost your self-esteem.
4. The belief that asking is shameful
If a child is forbidden to ask or is shamed for asking for more than is allowed, it leads to the belief that asking is shameful and indecent.
The child is not to blame if the parents can’t explain why it’s “not allowed” or that they don’t have the means for their requests.
Not everything parents consider excessive is actually excessive for the child. How is a child supposed to understand if it’s an excess or a need?
In adulthood, this leads to difficulty asking. There is no ability to accept refusal, and a childhood reaction kicks in — resentment, irritation.
A person achieves success as a professional, gains enormous experience, but feels ashamed to ask for a raise. They wait for their boss to figure it out on their own and raise their salary.
A person who knows how to ask understands there is nothing terrible or shameful about it, handles refusal well, knows how to negotiate, assert their opinion, and conduct negotiations.
See also 7 reasons why women don’t want to ask men for help, if you want to look at the issue of asking for help from a different angle.
5. Fear of being indebted
Many are convinced that as soon as they ask for help, they will inevitably be presented with a bill. Life experience tells them never to ask, so they don’t end up indebted to the one who helped.
If you’ve been burned by this in the past, it doesn’t mean everyone will treat you this way.
Before asking for help, clarify the terms with the other party: whether this service is paid or free, given from the heart.
This way, you protect yourself from future claims and accusations that you owe something.
And if they still present you with a bill, you can always return to your agreement and remind the person of the conditions under which you accepted their help.
See also Do Not Make an Idol of Yourself, or Why You Shouldn’t Idealize Your Beliefs
6. It’s awkward to ask
Some people believe it’s awkward to bother others with their requests. “I’m not important; other people’s affairs are more important than my own.”
Such a person goes through life as if apologizing for simply existing. This is a manifestation of self-dislike, an awareness of one’s own unimportance and worthlessness.
In some cases, it really is inconvenient to disturb people. You wouldn’t go ask the neighbors for salt at 2 a.m. Otherwise, this is false modesty.
If you don’t know whether it’s appropriate to ask for help, study the rules of etiquette. Learn in which cases it is acceptable and appropriate to ask acquaintances or strangers for a service or favor. And perhaps this question will resolve itself.