While recording the “Self-Worth” course, I came up with the concept of a “coordinate system.” It is very visual and answers many questions about self-worth, self-esteem, inner confidence, and the feeling of one’s own value. Most importantly, it explains how and why you slide back into evaluating and criticizing yourself.
In this article, we will analyze this coordinate system in detail and delve into the mechanics of how a shift from one plane to another occurs in the context of feeling your own worth. It is important to immediately distinguish between self-esteem and self-worth: the former relies on results and comparison, the latter on a sense of self regardless of achievements.
You will understand that the feeling of your own worth is not a single moment, not the result of some work, but a process in which you reside from the moment you enter it.
For clarity, I have drawn this coordinate system, so for a better understanding, carefully study the images.
What is the coordinate system of self-worth
The coordinate system of self-worth
Let’s start with the horizontal line — from an external source of what is outside of you, to an internal source.
On the vertical scale, which rises upward, we go from conditional value to unconditional value.
Thus we get four quadrants:
- external + conditional,
- internal + conditional,
- external + unconditional,
- internal + unconditional.
First option of shift in the coordinate system of self-worth
Quadrant 1 — external source + conditional value
In this quadrant, the formula of your value sounds like “I am valuable if…” If I meet expectations, prove myself, achieve, or please someone else.
Here, little depends on you because the source lies outside of you.
This feels like constant tension, comparison, fear of being worse than others, self-criticism, anxiety, and dependence on others’ opinions. Any failure equals I am bad, clueless, or insufficient.
Here, you live in the model “to be worthy, you must earn it, you must prove it.”
The main focus is outside of you. You rely on reactions, evaluations from other people, and the actions and words of others.
A shift from this quadrant begins through emotional burnout, through pain, and devaluation that has become unbearable. Often, the shift starts after a breakup with a loved one.
But not always through pain and suffering. Sometimes the shift begins upon first contact with the idea of inner worth, when you enter the topic that you need to value, love, accept, and respect yourself.
Or through a conscious choice — I no longer want to, I cannot.
In principle, everything we do at the Keys of Mastery at the initial stage is aimed precisely at this — turning the focus from outside to inside yourself.
The shift from quadrant 1 goes into the next quadrant — quadrant 2. On our coordinate system, this is the lower right corner. An internal turn begins: I want to be myself, rather than conform, prove, or earn.
See also: Evaluating yourself through the prism of others’ opinions, or How healing of traumatized parts occurs through other people
Quadrant 2 — internal source + conditional value
In this quadrant, the formula for your value sounds like «I know I am valuable, but… (there are conditions)». For example, I value myself when I am in a resourceful state. Or I value and love myself when I feel good.
As soon as you get sick, on the same scale you slide back to the first quadrant. And then every word, remark, or disapproval hurts, because there are always conditions here.
Note that the condition under which you love and accept yourself remains. But in the first case, it depends on external circumstances, external parameters, while in the second — conditions are still present, but you already know that your value depends on something inside you.
Here, many fall into a trap — the desire to fix yourself, you still need to go to some course, you need to lose weight, and then you will definitely value and love yourself.
In this quadrant, reliance on your own values, desires, and principles already appears, but along with it come new plans for yourself: to be better, kinder, more conscious, more spiritual. I can already love and value myself without being tied to something external. Everything is already located inside.
Plus, a feeling of guilt arises for not living up to your own ideals, your own self-image.
How to get out of the trap of conditional internal value
Here, the internal source already exists, you rely on it, but it is still conditional. When everything is great, I feel that I have strength, I shine, I love. But in moments of failure, lack of resources, under great tension, stress, or serious losses, you slide back along the coordinate axis.
The shift from this quadrant begins through fatigue from self-control, even when it is for the good, through the experience of diving deep within yourself, when you spend a lot of time in practices, many turnarounds, and spend a lot of time in nature. And also through the inner feeling — I don’t have to be the best version of myself to be myself.
The shift occurs into the next quadrant, number 3 — inner source + unconditional worth.
Go through the meditation “See, Love and Value Yourself,” which will help you see your true self, so that without fear, without regard for others’ opinions, you can show yourself and everyone around you who you are.
Quadrant 3 — inner source + unconditional worth
The shift from the previous quadrant goes to the upper right. You rise up by removing conditions, and the feeling appears: “I am valuable simply because I exist.”
You move onto the vertical axis. If before your focus was turned outward or inward, now there is a serious shift on the scale of conditions. You move into unconditionality.
The formula for this quadrant is: “I am valuable simply because I exist.”
This is a sequential, step-by-step process. It is impossible, when you are with every fiber of your personality (rather than your soul) focused outward, to jump straight into unconditional self-worth.
You can talk a lot about unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, but the shift will not happen. An important first stage is missed — when you switch from outside to inside yourself, and only then begin to free yourself from the conditions that are written inside you.
And then you shift into unconditional acceptance, into unconditional recognition of your worth, into the feeling “I am. And that is enough.”
This is a systematic, gradual shift from one state to another, first along the horizontal scale, then upward along the vertical scale.
This quadrant feels like calmness, inner clarity, and silence, when value is lived, not proven, when there is contact with oneself, a feeling of “I am,” and acceptance comes not as a result of certain practices, but as a way of being. You begin to live this way.
You no longer set conditions, you don’t track norms or correctness. You genuinely don’t care about norms, standards, or rules.
A natural rhythm emerges that you follow. If you feel like it, you do it; if you don’t, you don’t throw a fit, you don’t judge, you don’t blame — it just doesn’t happen. Your value no longer fluctuates. Even if you fail, you still continue to feel “I am, I am valuable, whether sick or healthy, whether in resource or not in resource.”
I think this is what everyone is striving for. It’s just that before reaching it, they skip important steps that need to be taken.
Why the state of unconditional value is hard to maintain
And it becomes clear why many people stumble, why phrases like “I am, I am light, I am love” sound like slogans. Because the state hasn’t been experienced firsthand. Because they try to jump from the external conditional straight to the internal unconditional.
It is impossible for someone who is turned outward, bypassing the deepest dives into themselves, to transition to the level of unconditionality.
What helps to stay in the Internal + Unconditional Quadrant:
- As soon as you realize you are starting to demand things from yourself again, conditions appear — gently, smoothly bring yourself back to yourself.
- Learn to accept setbacks and failures as part of the path. Remind yourself again and again — I am alive, and that is already enough.
See also Just be and stop being someone. The value of being who you are
The second option for shifting along the self-worth coordinate system
The path described above is the path taken by the average person who has embarked on the path of spiritual development: turning from the outside inward, then beginning to deal with the conditions built inside themselves in order to transition to an internal unconditional level of “I am valuable simply because I exist.”
But there is another option — external + unconditional.
It can be a starting point, but more often it also begins at the external + conditional level.
But the shift occurs through an encounter with a person: a psychotherapist, partner, mentor, or parent in childhood who loves and accepts you unconditionally.
With their unconditionality, they help you move up the scale. For the first time, you have the experience — “I can be accepted even if I am not perfect.” I can be loved with all my quirks. This is unconditionality.
It is not inside you, but such an experience exists. And thus a shift occurs to quadrant 4 — external source + unconditional worth.
Here the formula for self-worth sounds like “I am accepted even when I am imperfect”. Even when I make mistakes, even when I am sick, not ready, don’t clean, walk around in a worn-out robe.
An encounter with a partner in a healing relationship can lead to this, as can a wise mentor, or work with a wise psychotherapist. But one can initially be at this level — I expect that our children start from here, not from the lower part.
Being in this quadrant feels like inner relief, calmness, an experience of being accepted, and for the first time the feeling appears that “everything is okay with me.”
Why This Support Remains Unstable
But this feeling depends on another person. If he or she is nearby, I am okay. As soon as this person disappears or the work with a psychotherapist ends, you slide back.
At this level, trust appears, the ability to be yourself emerges; a space is created for you where you can be anyone, you will be accepted in any state, supported, not judged, scolded, or criticized.
At this level, the restoration of vulnerable parts begins, especially if these are healing relationships, but the fear of losing this external figure persists.
The External + Unconditional quadrant can exist from childhood. I suspect that in children raised by us, the starting point is the external + unconditional quadrant, when we unconditionally supported them, unconditionally accepted them, unconditionally loved them.
See also: Who am I? How to know yourself if you remove external reference points
Shift from Quadrant 4: External Source + Unconditional Value
How does the shift from this quadrant begin, and, most importantly, where does it go?
The shift begins through the realization: “I want to be in this state not only next to this person, but on my own.” Or the question arises: Can I treat myself the same way?
And the transition goes to quadrant 2: “internal source + conditional value,” when you begin to rely on yourself, albeit with conditions.
There is no path from the outside to slide directly into internal unconditional acceptance. First, you turn the external focus and the fear of loss inward.
Why conditional value? Because you have not yet cultivated an unconditional attitude toward yourself. You move to the formula: “I know my worth, but under certain conditions.”
The support gradually shifts inward; there is self-support, but still with a demand to be better, cooler, more spiritual. A new form of self-criticism emerges: “I am not spiritual enough,” along with a desire to earn internal acceptance and internal approval.
See also: Evaluation of the mind as “good/bad” and the feeling of injustice as its consequence
Shift to Quadrant 3: Internal Source + Unconditional Value
When you turn inward, through fatigue from control, through the practice of “I can be myself even when I fall short,” through honesty and understanding that I am human, I can be alive, I can be weak, strong, I can be different—there is a shift back upward to Quadrant 3: Internal Source + Unconditional Value.
When even one condition falls away, the experience is already there, the path is laid, and it is much easier to shift upward than to try to shift directly from an external conditional or external unconditional state.
Here, there is both a feeling within yourself and internal supports that are clear and understandable; you rely on yourself from within. All that remains is to untie yourself from one parameter—to remove the many conditions that are written inside you.
This is felt as calmness, stability, inner freedom; value is felt not in actions, but in presence. The need to prove or justify oneself disappears, and space opens up for genuine choices not dictated by fear.
Summary
Totally shifting the focus from outside to inside yourself is a serious shift, a powerful transformational moment.
Unconditional value is a state toward which we are moving and in which each of you periodically finds yourself, which you have felt during meditation.
I feel that I am valuable, even if I am not coping, even if I make mistakes, even if I do nothing, even if I do not live up to my ideals.
Even if I am broke, even if I have no husband, even if I consider myself fat and ugly. This is unconditional worth! Unconditional acceptance and unconditional support of oneself under any conditions, under any circumstances. That is why it is called moving from conditional to unconditional.
Worth does not require external or internal confirmation; it is preserved regardless of conformity to any standard, existing independently of success, achievement, or approval.
Support yourself without conditions, rely on yourself even when confused and not in a resourceful state!